s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§»’s Comments (group member since Nov 04, 2013)

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§»’s comments from the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry group.

Oh... D: Do we? We at least have the platform for the station, but I'll get on that soon. But not right now...

:D

The train is pulling into the Hogsmeade Station. Robes on, students! Head out to the platform, either to get on the boats, or to hop aboard a carriage.

Our Description


—currently N/A—

Hogsmeade Station Platform


The station is located near the Black Lake, and from there a road extends around the lake to Hogwarts Castle. It is actually quite a distance from the village itself, being on the opposite side of the Hogwarts grounds. The Hogwarts Express stops here after travelling from King's Cross Station. At the station is a small group of buildings, the large being a resting place for the conductor of the train. Not far down from these buildings are entrance gates to Hogwarts that are located in a clearing of the Forbidden Forest that leads up to the school grounds. Also at the end of the platform, boats are docked awaiting the arrival of the Groundskeeper and the First years.

Emma, can Loki and Patrick be friends? They're same year and house, and both on the Quidditch team!

Year: "6th" should be '6'

Pet Age: "2 years" should be '2' | Also with that, most people get their pet before their first year, so he should maybe be older.

Relations: "age" should be capitalized.

Background: Spell out all numbers please.

I don't believe she is famous. I'll let Sarah make the final ruling on that, but I think that picture is a pretty safe bet.

Wand Description: Please include what the wood, core, length, and flexibility add to the wand, as far as characteristics and properties are concerned.

Description: In the last sentence, the period should be inside the quotation marks.

Background: "Alaric Jasper Davidson is the oldest of the Davidson children, and while he grew accustomed to the only-child way of life, he did not resent having a new member in the family." | What age was he when he got/did not resent having a new member in the family.

"Actually, quite the opposite; Alaric absolutely adored his little sister." | Adores. Present tense.

"Before Nicolette, Alaric was a rather lonely child, his parents always off at work, leaving him alone with the grouchy Mrs. Nettles, and elderly witch who had a permanent scowl, so it seemed." | 'or so it seemed.' | 'an elderly witch' | You realize he was only six by the time she was born?

"But after sweet, and bubbly Nicolette was born, things changed." | I'm guessing things wouldn't have changed immediately, people tend to be babies for a while after they're born...

"After he went off to Hogwarts, his loving nature never changed. would often write numerous letters checking in on her, but this year will be different as his baby sister will be with him at the most magical place on earth." | Do you see the issue?

"Too bad she wasn't placed in Slytherin...." | You have four periods where there should be only three. | She hasn't been sorted yet. ("wasn't" should be 'won't be')

Pet Age: Venom should probably be at least seven; most students get their pets before their first year.

Thanks doll! I'm gonna give him a look right now.

Would you like me to give her another look? I'm in a good mood and will be extremely positive, I promise.

She's pretty. Sarah, is the face famous?

I can't do any critiquing now, I am in a foul mood from people not following instructions. I will look at him later, once I am more positive. My apologies.

Sorry, I'm on it!


Blood:
"Pure-blood" | The b of "blood" should be capitalized.

Wand Length:
"10"" | This should be "10 Inches" (No quotation mark.)

Wand Description:
"Dalia's wand is a dark brown hue with swirl engravings along the length, and a glossy finish, making it quite a beautiful wand." | You don't need the word "hue". | Delete "making it quite a beautiful wand". Let's not be cliché here. | "swirl" should be 'swirling' | No comma after length. | 'Dalia's wand is a dark brown with swirling engravings along the the length and a glossy finish.'

"It is ten inches long, the wand's wood is holly and the core is unicorn hair." | 'It is ten inches long, made of holly and unicorn hair.'

"When Adalia chose her wand, well, when the wand chose her, she had tried out about 25 different wands already, and the shop owner started to get annoyed at how long it was taking." | Spell out "25". | "...and the shop owner started..." should be '...and the shop owner was starting...'

"He decided to just pick at random, and see what would happen." | "...and see what would happen." should be '...and see what happened.'

"Sure enough her wand finally came to her." | Comma after "enough".

"Dalia and her wand compliment each other very well. The wand's stiff flexibility represents her stiff and withdrawn personality, and the dark stain of the wand is like the darkness that has tainted her heart. The wand loves to learn new spells and catches on very quickly, and it seems to have almost a thirst for knowledge, just like its owner." | Did you read the instruction?? I was very clear. DO NOT make up information, when I have worked for countless hours to provide you all with the information you need. Please read the instructions on the profile again and tell me when you have made the necessary changes. I will do no more critiquing until you have done so.

She's famous. And we decided that famous faces are a no-no.

"As Alaric approached the far right of the shop, a sleek, long, tanned wand came soaring out, smacking right into Alaric's head." | That really doesn't happen...

Wand Description: "To this day, Alaric has never questioned his and the wands affinity, and is glad to have one that reacted so strongly to him." | wand's

Wand Description: "The first time Alaric walked into the dingy shop of Mr. Ollivander's he was twelve years old." | Eleven, sweetheart.