s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§»’s Comments (group member since Nov 04, 2013)

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§»’s comments from the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry group.

NAME missing, and too many blank lines, love. Please check the general profile for specifics.

Love it! :D

:)

Better, definitely! A few issues still, but definitely improved! I just noticed something in Relations. With her parents, the "Was a" is not needed.

"Chessur is a small black cat with dark blue eyes and due to Sofia's constant bathing he has soft fur. He is very adorable, but he's shy and tends to hide from people behind Sofia herself. Only when he really likes a person does he come out."

The first sentence should be too sentences. The "very" and "herself in the second sentence aren't needed. The last sentence is missing an ending, it feels like. "...does he come out" and what?

Aww! A few grammar things (I'm a grammar nut... :/) in that section and I think she'll be good!

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"Chessur is a small all black cat. He has dark blue eyes as well. Due to Sofia's constant bathing he has soft fur as well. He is very adorable and shy, and hides from people behind Sofia herself. Only when he really likes a person does he come out and let them see him."

For starters, you use "as well" three times within these five sentences. Generally speaking, I would recommend trying to avoid using the same word or phrase really close together. "Very" is also another word that is frequently unnecessary. Words have their own strength, so try to find a stronger word to replace the word "very" is modifying, and you won't need to use "very".

Okay, now let's look at this paragraph. The first two sentences are both describing Chessur's physical features. As such, they are easily combined. For example, "Chessur is a small black cat with dark blue eyes." Concise and to the point. "All-black" is unnecessary, because you tell us that he is black, and unless you tell us that he has other colors on him, we will assume that he is, indeed, solely black.

The next sentence, "Due to Sofia's constant bathing he has soft fur as well." Again, "as well" is not needed. (That phrase is rarely truly needed in writing.) As it stands right now, the person who is constantly bathing is Sofia, not Chessur. Play with this sentence. Language is meant to be played with, it demands to be plated with.

"He is very adorable and shy, and hides from people behind Sofia herself." Unnecessary words: "very", "herself". "And" is used twice in this sentence. Play with this!

In the last sentence, "and let them see him" is not needed.

Yeah sure, not a problem.

Why...? If you could include a reason, that would be great.

Sure thing, don't worry about it doll.

I love it. So much.

TROLOOLOLOLOLLLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!

I'll get to updating this...eventually. :/

Kk.

Read my little notes in the original profile? I think that will help clear lots of this up.

Pictures should be on the same line as Appearance. (Following the colon after a space.)

Quidditch: N/A
Position: Student

All good. :)

Gender: Female rather than "F".

Two things:


Why is the pet so young? Did she not get him before/for her first year?

Background should be one paragraph (squish it together, is all).

Aye! ;D

;) This is why I love you. (Well, one reason of many!)