Which Christmas Movie Character Are You?

First, an admission: I go gaga for Christmas movies. I love everything about them — the majestic depictions of Manhattan during holiday season, the unadulterated focus on love, family and forgiveness, and the suspension of disbelief necessary to accept their fundamentally unrealistic plot lines.

Most of all, I love Christmas movie characters, who, despite their similar “journeys”…

• Disillusionment with current life

• Decision to change life course

• Conflict

• Resolution/forgiveness powered by the magic of the holidays

Are really quite unique.

1. Buddy (ELF)

You’ve never felt comfortable in your own slippers, most likely because they were made for somebody half your size. Nevertheless, you smile through the blisters, the toe chafing and the disfigurement of your pinky. You’re full of Christmas cheer and regularly match with a man named Rudolph on Tinder – which is such a fantastic way to meet people in the BIG CITY! You douse every meal in maple syrup and hard as it may be for your family to admit it, they love your naïve spirit.

2. Prime Minister David (Love Actually)

As charming as you are repressed in matters of love, you’re privy to solo dance parties in your office once all the lights have gone down. If your life weren’t a Christmas movie, there is a zero percent chance you’d still be single. But since it is, we’ll blame the lack of romance on your demanding job and charismatic but elusive nature. It’s why your family is okay with the fact that you never call.

3. Amanda Woods (The Holiday)

WTF, how did Nancy Meyers manage to get a hold of my diary!?, you routinely ask yourself. You fall somewhere in-between numbers four and five on the list of ten archetypal rom-com characters. A live to work mentality has left you little time or energy for love, but your toned physique is the envy of the Seven Kingdoms. You haven’t cried since you were 15 and a slew of failed relationships left you callous and cynical. But even you aren’t immune to the powers of Christmas or the irrefutable charm of a lovely Brit; his only downfall being that he shares a name with a cracker.

4. Clarence Odbody (It’s a Wonderful Life)

You’re surrounded by a level of perfection that seems impossible to measure up to. Your Christmas tree, while…festive, looks like a dollar air freshener next to your sister’s, who had her spruce flown in from Aspen. You’re tired of bearing witness to everyone else’s Christmas miracles: people falling in love, getting that promotion at work, losing those stubborn 5 lbs. Nevertheless, you maintain a positive attitude. Your time will come. And when you do get your angel wings, they won’t be of the Victoria Secret variety.

5. Kevin McCallister (Home Alone)

Whoever said nobody cried over spilled milk has clearly never met your family. The offense got you banished to the third floor (where nothing ever good happens) and cost you a trip to Paris. You use the word “jerk” more times than a Jamaican menu and your only Christmas wish is that your family disappears. Why do you have 25 people living in your house, anyway? Never mind that, you’re more than happy to spend the holidays alone, eating chocolate ice cream and watching black and white gangster films.

6. Willie (Bad Santa)

Your Great Aunt Thelma filed for a restraining order after you got piss drunk on eggnog and urinated on her house plant last Christmas. You’re the X-rated movie that nobody wants their kids watching, the loose cannon at every table and the most likely to puke and rally at your office holiday party. You also pocketed the stuffed stockings from above Grandma’s fireplace; all of yours have holes in them.

7. Audrey Griswold (National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation)

Christmas is just another reminder that you are the only sane member of your family. Visiting cousins (whom you haven’t seen since ’95) means that you’ll be sharing a room with your little brother who, as luck would have it, was just gifted a trunk load of old Penthouse issues from your crazy Uncle Leopold. Odds are you’ll spend the holidays with your hometown best friend, flipping through your high school yearbook, drawing mutton chops and beards on every member of the cheerleading squad.

8. The Grinch (How the Grinch Stole Christmas)

The bright lights, the caroling, the material exchange of love and gratitude…it all makes you sick to your stomach. You’re the first to remind eggnog lovers of salmonella’s damaging effects. The only reason you attend Christmas Eve dinner is for the opportunity to amputate the gingerbread cookies. But despite the fact that you stole all of the presents from beneath the tree, there’s some small part of you that hopes, this year, somebody will meet you underneath the mistletoe.

Feature collage by Emily Zirimis

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