Ornaments or Horoscopes? Who Cares! They’re Here!

Regardless of your celestial fate below, we’re giving stuff away all month.

Congratulations on existing without your horoscopes for the past few days but no need to go any longer. Susan Miller has posted her monthly scoop so I am happy to say that all is well. Now! Hide the poinsettia from your cat, grab a cup of eggnog and spike the shit out of it with your drink of choice — it’s time to see what the galaxy is about to do to your holiday hair.

Sagittarius

HAPPY BIRTHDAY $AGITTARIU$. I’m not decking those S’s with boughs of bills for nothing — thanks to the full moon at the end of the month you’ll receive a huge bonus or win Jeopardy. You’ve also got Mercury doing the cha cha slide through your income sector, so you can call me Al or buy me lunch. You’re having one of those months where you can’t help how charming you are (do you think that’s how Emma Stone always feels?) so there’s a high likelihood that someone falls in love with you like, every five seconds.

Already in love and into the “experimenting” phase of your relationship? Great. The new moon on December 11th is about to receive “a friendly, tight mathematical beam from Uranus.” Whatever floats your boat, as they say. (PS: It means that anything involving pregnancy and children — both literal and of the metaphorical my-job-is-my-baby ilk — will be in your favor.)

Capricorn

Well, Susan starts off by calling you a goat, but I know she means it in a nice way, as in, you’re surefooted in your career. You’re ambitious and moving on up. You’ve also got Mars, the planet of action figures, on your side right now helping you get even further along, so don’t be afraid of a little self-promotion so long as it doesn’t involve hashtagging your social security number on your Instagram posts.

December 10 is dumb, just a heads up. Sleep it off.

The following day will bring a sense of calm, which is great: you need to use the rest of December to get stuff done since Mercury’s going retrograde for the entire month of January aka 100% skiing in Gstaad and doing face masks in fluffy robes. Like don’t even play, Mercury. We follow your ass on Snapchat. You can’t lie to us.

Whatever. The end of the month ends in a giant red bow for you. You might get engaged around the 25th (if you’re single then how shocking will that be?!) and you are guaranteed a good time on New Year’s Eve — now take that and run before I make a Uranus joke.

Aquarius 

Plural of Aquarius, you are not as lucky as the Capricorns but only because they dodged a bad joke whereas I’m starting your horoscope with one right off the rabid bat! Susan Thriller Miller writes that your ruler, Uranus, will “signal the Sun with a thrilling electric beam, and surprises galore should come up.” I’ll say!

While this is a super busy month socially, it’s going to feel a bit slow career-wise — but don’t freak. Enjoy the quiet and get your life in order. January (despite the Mercu-bomb I just dropped in the above ‘scope) is going to be your job’s time to shine. More on that in 2016.

Susan Miller’s daughter Diana has jury duty toward the end of December if you’re curious. I’m curious!

Guess what you have at the end of December? Luxury. Thank Venus the planet and not the razor because she’s going to make your life fine as wine, which you’ll be drinking plenty of, possibly in Gstaad with Mercury.

Pisces

Before I go any further because who knows what day you’re reading this, you might lose your phone on December 10. Be careful. This day is low-key gonna suck for everyone in different ways. Moving on: According to the Suz, the biggest moment of the year for your career will be December 11. “Heavy gates that had been stubbornly closed for you will now open wide,” she writes. Ah yes, the metaphorical equivalent of finally learning to press that stupid exit button next to the door despite the fact that it’s completely pointless if you consider that doorknobs still work better than some annoying button no one can figure out.

Aw man! I got the shitty horoscope! All Amelia did was talk about doorknobs.

Nah. I’d never let you go home hungry. Let’s talk about love: you’ve got a full moon on December 25. It’s great lighting for trying on any gifts you may have received, but it’s even better lighting for your house of s-e-x. And true love! Sorry. Still making up for the doorknobs.

Aries

Susan really stressed travel for your sign this month; it looks like you’ll be racking up miles in the early part of December just as much as on those upcoming vacation days. You may even be spontaneous and go somewhere out of nowhere on the 8th, which gives me anxiety but I’m not an Aries so maybe that’s where we differ. Celestially. Just don’t travel on the 10th or the 20th (you’ll probably get in a fight with your seat mate over their annoying snacking habits if you do).

You’re primed to make money around the 24th and 25th (one check from grandma and suddenly getting mail is fun again!)

Also on the 25th besides Christmas day — if you’re into that kind of thing! — is a full moon that will “shower beautiful vibrations on Neptune.” Normally you’d get yelled at by your mom for showering vibrations on your sister, but since this vibe is about being cozy at home with family, you probably won’t even have to clean up after the mess you’ve made.

Taurus

Do you feel tired? Worn down? Like you’ve been working hard and no one’s recognized it at the office? As though you’re currently in an infomercial? Well stop reading this in an informercial voiceover accent and start blaming the planets, now!

Uranus, planet of butts, has been retrograde since July. Butt Town USA is also the ruler of your tenth apartment of honors, awards and achievement which means that once it goes direct on Christmas day, you will get a blast of energy that’ll scoot ya on up to the corner office with the window you’ve had your eye on.

However, be careful to avoid getting in fights with any coworkers over their loud salad habits on the 10th. Tensions will be higher than Jim Breuer in Half Baked.

If you’re in a relationship, you guys will be in a good, committed place and finally figure out your sleep numbers. If you’re single, watch out, world: Jupiter’s touring our new love sector until September 2016, “bringing the likelihood of meeting your one true love at long last.” Here’s hoping we do more than just meet.

Gemini

You’ll essentially be a really good sharer at the beginning of December, so one gold star to you. You’re going to duck out of the spotlight to let your colleagues or sig-other take Santa’s sled reins for a bit, but it will be a great learning experience for you, or something. Whatever. Let’s party!

For real! Susan just goes on and on about how this is a great time for you to be with friends and celebrate and wear sequins and gold and dress like Cookie Lyon got in a fight with a snow globe. She’s especially excited about your New Year’s Eve festivities, which is promising — is anyone ever excited about New Year’s Eve festivities anymore? No. So take it back and enjoy it like you’re an ironic hipster learning to love Uggs.

You know what else there is to be excited about toward the end of the month? Money. Whether you believe in Santa or not, a fat wad of cash is likely to drop down your chimney around the 25th thanks that sweet new moon.

Cancer

Annoying news out of the way first: avoid the 10th. Just literally avoid it. Mars is gonna piss off Uranus who’s going to shit all over that day. That said, just a few days earlier, on the 8th, the Sun is going to put Uranus in a good mood (that vitamin D) and you’ll have one of those ride-around-on-everyone’s-shoulders-while-they-cheer-for-you kind of experiences. Slay that PowerPoint, girl.

Technically speaking, Susan wants you to avoid traveling on the 19th and 20th but she also once tried to get everyone to stay home on New Year’s Eve, which no one did and everything was fine. Sometimes the baby bird’s gotta fly the nest for the sake of a shindig, ya dig?

We’ve got Venus moving through your true love sector this month creating good vibrations and making it likely that you’ll meet someone totally groovy who isn’t named George Glass. The biggest day for love will be the 24th, so cozy up on the couch, get your home clothes on, grab a smart phone and start swiping. OR just lose a glove if you’re John Cusack in Serendipity. 

Do not, however, give in to the ghosts of exes past. Or do. Maybe the one who got away will send a great GIF or something…

Leo

You will have the most romantic luck out of all the signs. According to Susan, you’re bewitching this month. Spiking your eggnog with pheromones, eh? Good for you.

On the 8th, you should travel. She wants everyone to get out of dodge this day (Thriller, it’s a Tuesday — that’s a school night!) but maybe you can call in sick, take the train for the sake of a ride and meet someone along the way when you’re not too busy looking out the window and pretending you’re in an Adele music video. IDK. Just don’t travel the 10th. Major delays.

Career is looking great for you so no worries there. The 19th in particular looks to be an especially important day: you may get a promotion. Might I suggest you take some money from your promotion, buy yourself a new outfit and go out? Turns out you’re also celestially primed to fall in love this day.

Crystal ball time: the outlook for your 2016 is filled with green paper — whatever you’re doing or about to do at work, keep it up. Just don’t blackout at your office holiday party and rant about Jan’s crap Pandora station and you will be good as gold.

Virgo

Susan went super rogue and started talking about June in your December horoscope which was, by the way, eternally long — so I skimmed you the good stuff like the good friend that I am!

Sounds like money will come in around the 8th to help fund a move or home improvement project. (I get it. The only stores I want to be in right now are the ones that involve linens, headboards, fluffy towels and superfluous ottomans that are meant for placing, like, coffee table books and a candle on top of as opposed to your feet.)

When it comes to love, know that I love you all month, but you’ll really feel loved and romanced by the members of your preferred attractive sex toward the end, around the 24th. The 25th is supposed to be even more romantic, so if your parents let you, go out and hit up the neighborhood bar. You never know who got cute because a lot of people have deleted their Facebooks and made their Instagrams private.

Libra

Take advantage of the fact that you’ve still got Mars in your sign, Lil’ Libras. This shit does not last very long, so you need to soak up its caffeine affect and focus for the rest of December. Mercury is about to go retrograde in January so you need to dot your i’s and cross you t-straps now. Pretend you’re in finals mode again but actually shower this time.

Booooring! On to the fun stuff, like paper! Susan Miller talks about it for about 500 words in your horoscope. She is very picky when it comes to paper and no fact about her could make me love or trust her more. She likes 100-percent rag – 20 lb. cotton paper in case you don’t know what to get her for Christmas. 20 pounds does indeed seem really heavy for one piece of paper so while we contemplate that let us also talk about your New Year’s Eve plans that you’ve definitely been stressing about:

Don’t buy tickets to anything. Host a small party at home. Wear fun hats and sparkly tights and put disco balls in your champagne glasses. You’re only going to talk to your friends at some nutzo event in a terrifying venue, anyway. May as well be somewhere that you can take your shoes off once your feet start to hurt.

Scorpio

Let’s bring it on home, Scorps. The new moon of December 11th is about to light up your second house of salary. “Second house” sounds good, as in, you’ll eventually earn enough money to have a beachfront property somewhere with a Nancy Meyer’s-rivaling kitchen and the kind of fireplace that always has a burning log, regardless of seasons.

Your parents will make you super happy on the 8th, but on the 10th, a coworker is likely to piss you off. The latter is a general horoscope-wide theme this month, so for a final time, I will say this: everyone take Thursday the 10th off and nap all day instead. That solves problems.

All month long, you will be “alluring and magnetic, so you might meet someone special at one of the holiday parties you attend,” writes Susan. And by all means, go to these parties. Say yes to every invite that has a potentially attractive guest list and an open bar. “You have not seen Venus in your sign since October-November 2014, so this is special,” she writes. Some of you may have read that sentence with a Freudian slip somewhere around the word Venus. Either way, the dry spell is over.

LET IT SNOW.

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej.

The post Ornaments or Horoscopes? Who Cares! They’re Here! appeared first on Man Repeller.