How to Deal with Passive-Aggressive Co-Workers

Passive-aggression at the workplace is the virus no one can see but silently kills team morale. Angry feelings are inevitable when we spend a great part of our days with the same people, and there is often no time to cool off. The fear of being judged or losing a promotion/raise because of “not getting along” is very real. Without a safe space for direct communication, passive-aggressive behavior thrives, sapping away at employee engagement and our energy levels. 

The key to battling this hidden hostility is a direct yet friendly approach. Try these out: 

Ask yourself “so what?” 

Tit for tat is never healthy. For example, it may hurt if Jane didn’t come to your birthday celebration in the conference room, but ask yourself, “So what?” If there’s no meaningful impact on your life, you may want to just let it go. If you instead exclude her at the next team meeting, you’re now part of the problem. 

Direct approach: If you really care, talk to Jane and problem-solve the issue. Otherwise accept that not everyone at work is a friend and take the high road. Without retaliation Jane will likely lose steam. Focus on being professional. 

Nip it in the bud 

Mike, a member of your team, disagrees with a recent project direction. You realize this is the case because he’s missed two meetings and on attending the third, spent most of his attention on his smart phone. In this case, the “so what?” has a real consequence. As his manager you can try sarcastic comments, start to sideline him, and give him a poor review in two months, but it’s better to nip it in the bud. 

Direct approach: Invite Mike to a 1:1 and allow him to voice his opinions. Clarify the value of his role on the project. Once you address his recent behavior, you can set clear expectations, explain the repercussions and hold him accountable going forward. 

Lighten with laughter 

My favorite form of passive-aggression is the backhanded compliment. Imagine, you took more time than usual to complete a project but it turned out well. Nina stops by your desk. “Great job,” she says, “I guess it helps when you can take all week.” If you appear offended, she was just joking, of course. You will find your passive-aggressive associates are very good at feigning shock when you are upset! However humor is the two-way street you can also use to get your point across. 

Direct approach: Respond with gentle humor while pointing out you understand she attempted to be insulting. Make it clear you’re not going to take it (or her) seriously or be offensive in return! Laughter can shine light and diffusing barely-hidden hostility surprisingly effectively. 

Encourage honesty 

You may need to grow a thicker skin, especially if it’s your manager who is passive-aggressive. You’re now at the wrong end of both power dynamics! For instance, you have requested to work on a project, but can’t seem to get a commitment from your boss. There is a lot of avoidance and apparent confusion. You could just back down and secretly fantasize about getting your way. Or? 

Direct approach: Request feedback. Confront your boss, “I know you’re aware I am interested, but you don’t seem enthusiastic. Can we discuss your concerns?” Followed by the magic words, “I won’t take it personally.” Encouraging honesty can open up the flow of communication and growth for your career. Note – be prepared for the truth! 

Direct and friendly is a great way to approach situations. If you have your own way of handling passive-aggressive behavior in the work place, share it below.

Leena Roy, CFA/CPC is a Professional Coach for Managers. A program designed to elevate and empower Mid-level Managers & Professionals to achieve their highest potential. Read more on www.leenaroy.net