It’s Kind of a Funny Story: Victor and Athena Calderone

Leandra Medine: How did you meet?

Athena Calderone: We met in 1996, you [Victor] say it was at The Limelight or that you first saw me at The Limelight but I remember meeting at Tunnel. I bartended at Tunnel, The Limelight and Palladium when I was 18 or 19, and had first moved to NY. I guess I was pretty young and innocent but pretty rebellious at the same time. Like I had a shaved head, a septum ring and wore a wife beater.

Victor Calderone: Yeah, she had smokey eyes. That’s what caught my attention. I was like who the f is that?

LM: And in a dark space! So you went over to talk?

VC: I did.

LM: Were you deejaying at that time?

VC: I was before a partner and I split up and then I wasn’t sure what I was doing. But I had a friend who had a restaurant and I used to go hang out with him at the restaurant often. One day he said “I’m opening up another one. You’re not doing anything. Why don’t you come in and be a partner?”

AC: Yeah so that was his line, he wanted me to come bartend at his restaurant.

VC: We needed a bartender. So it was kind of honest the way I approached her. But I obviously was….

LM: You had an agenda!

AC: Honestly all I completely remember from that night was like, 10 dudes coming in at like 10 p.m. when the club was still kind of empty and ordering a bottle of champagne — and at this time, nobody bought bottles of champagne at nightclubs, there was no bottle service like there is now. So I felt obligated to talk to these “bros.”

VC: We had a mutual friend, though, who was a dancer, so after we had some small chat, I went over to her and was like, “ok you need to hook this up.”

AC: And she did. We exchanged numbers through Nicole and established this pretty hardcore phone friendship. I didn’t even know which one was Victor because there were like 10 dudes I was talking to that night. But we had this really easy comfortable conversation on the phone and I really didn’t need another bartending job — I was making crazy good money at those nightclubs, but it made me want to go to midtown to this restaurant to meet him properly. And then I went up there—like I said I didn’t even know which one was Victor—and they were doing construction and I didn’t know what to say like, “Oh, is Victor here?” Anyway we went upstairs in like a booth and started chatting and literally from that moment on we were inseparable best friends for like, two years—just together.

VC: Yeah, she was the first person I spoke to everyday.

LM: Why didn’t you go into a relationship initially?

AC: Um—I was either 18 or 19, I had just come out of my high school/college not-so-healthy relationship and I’d just come to Manhattan, so I wanted to have some, like fun wild days. Even though I’m not a fun and wild girl. But I mean he came to every one of my family holidays. My Italian Nonna, my mom, — every body loved Victor. And everyone was like “Athena what is wrong with you!?” And I was like “He’s my best friend!” And my mom would say that when I’d be at her house, she would see me on the phone with him and a part of myself came alive. Like a playful jovial kind of relaxed…a part of myself I didn’t even know existed came alive when I was with him. And everyone saw it except for me. I mean, I saw it, I felt it. I knew that once we would eventually get together—and I knew that would happen—it would be fast and furious.

VC: I wish she would have told me! It was 2 years!

LM: You were probably frustrated because it was like, here I am this grown man with a successful career behind me, launching a new career that will ostensibly be successful too. I’m ready to settle down, I really like this girl but she has a shaved head and just moved to NY.

VC: Totally.

AC: Basically.

VC: But we had these amazing days together.

AC: We discovered so much together. Restaurants…wine…

VC: And you know, I would take her home and she would get out of the car and would just walk into her house and I would sit there waiting for her to turn around.

AC: It broke my heart when once we were together, he was like, “I would just wait for you to turn around as you opened your door.”

VC: Just like look over your shoulder! Turn around once!

LM: You were very patient.

VC: I had those moments, where I was like, “OK, I’m torturing myself, I need to stop this.”

AC: We’d spend the night together and he’d get all quiet and contemplative and I’d say “Goodbye, I’m not gonna see you for a while am I?” and he’d say “no, I need a break.” So, two weeks would go by where we wouldn’t talk and then we would see one and other and it would pick up right where it left off.

VC: We had a lot of mutual friends who went to the same clubs so we would wind up sort of bumping into each other and then it would start all over again.

AC: But what changed—the thing that changed everything was this girl Milo. So as this was going on, Victor’s career was developing. And he started deejaying at all these nightclubs. One week I’d be next to him in the deejay booth and then the next week I’d show up to the club and Milo would be next to him in the deejay booth and I would just be like “who is this chick?” And I knew she liked him, I knew she was hanging around. And then Victor had this record release party. Let me backtrack — he had stopped working on music, as he mentioned, and was now really unhappy at the restaurant, so he sold his shares and the night he got his money back, we were supposed to hang out and he said “you know, I feel like I’ve neglected and walked past my recording studio, seeing it collect dust for two years. I’m gonna go produce a track tonight.”

And he produced a song called “Give it Up.” And it ended up going #1 on the Billboard dance charts. It was really exciting for him and as his best friend, I was really excited but we were going through one of those moments where we weren’t talking. And he had this big record release party at Palladium so I had my best friend call him and say, “I know you and Athena aren’t talking but she really wants to come support you, is it ok if she comes?” And he was like, “Of course!” so I went and I saw him and the second I saw him, it was right back to where it was and we were having fun, we were dancing, we were having the best time and then all of a sudden he disappeared and I couldn’t find him. And my best friend at the time, Rosie, was a lesbian and she had this crush on this girl Milo. So I just kept hearing everyone talk about Milo. And that night, Victor just disappeared and I had this girl’s name in my head and the next day I called him and a girl picks up the phone and it was Milo.

So I was like beside myself all of a sudden. All these like emotions were flooding.

I didn’t know what was going on. So Victor came over and at I was out at the market when he got there, so I was opening the door to my apartment and I heard Rosie—who was my best friend at the time—say “no way! I’m so fucking jealous!” just as I opened the door. I looked at him and I go, “Did you fuck Milo last night?”

VC: I was like, “Oh my god!”

So I said, “Kinda, yeah.” We were laughing about it.

LM: You laughed too?

AC: I laughed too but I was thinking: what is this feeling that I am feeling right now? And it wasn’t immediately that we got together at that point. It was like I would show up at the club, she would be next to him. And then the next week, she would show up at the club and I would be next to him. It was very confusing. I couldn’t quite figure out what I was feeling and I was really nervous to acknowledge how I was feeling because I knew how intense our friendship was and I was nervous to fuck that up because he was such an important part of my life.

LM: Was she the only girl you had had a relationship with during the course of those two years?

VC: No. There were others.

LM: But no one else bothered you?

AC: No…I guess not.

VC: Well Milo stuck around. She was in the same group of friends so she was just there.

AC: And she could really dance!

LM: So how long after that did you get together?

AC: Not very long. There was one night on our rooftop that I really started feeling an attraction—a strong attraction that was undeniable—and we ended up kissing that night. And then I think from there it was—

VC: It’s funny looking back, on the other end, Milo would say to me, “I never have a chance with you because of Athena.” She knew. She just knew how in love with her I was.

AC: We got together and it was as I knew it would be — full on, strong. It was such an exciting time in our—within a couple of months we were already talking about getting engaged and married. It was so obvious once we were together. I mean what everybody saw around us was just so apparent to ourselves. We slept in a twin bed in the basement of his mom’s house for a good year and a half or two, which was kind of amazing.

LM: Why were you sleeping at his mom’s house?

VC: Well, I own the lower portion of the house for myself but we were figuring out what we were gonna do next.

LM: How long have you been married now?

AC: It’ll be 16 years. Did I ever tell you how he proposed to me?

VC: During all this, my career as a deejay and producer really started to heat up.

AC: He started working with Madonna, producing all of her albums and dance mixes and—

VC: I developed a very big gay following and they lived for Athena.

AC: It was so much fun. So it was his birthday and they brought out a cake out on to the stage while he was playing and there were like, four thousand shirtless men singing happy birthday as he was deejaying and then he grabbed the mic—a drag queen pulled me out on to the stage—and he got down on one knee and over the microphone in front of four thousand gay men and proposed to me.

LM: What if she had said no!? You knew the gays were on her team!

AC: They all came to the wedding!

LM: What have you found to be the most challenging part of being in a relationship?

VC: Not being so reactive, I think.

AC: Not being reactive?

VC: Yeah, not being reactive to certain situations. Trying to hold that back.

AC: We’re really involved in each other’s lives. I—I’m sorry I’m not really answering your question—but I, throughout my 20s and 30s, was figuring out what I was and who I was and kind of meandering through a lot of different creative outlets—whether it was acting or singing or styling—I just kept trying different things on for size, and he has always been my biggest supporter. I’ve been embarrassed of my own creative ramblings and he has always supported that. Never been judgmental. I mean his career was just so successful, but I never felt threatened by Victor’s career at all.

I know a lot of women don’t like to be called like “So and so’s wife” –but it never really bothered me. I hadn’t yet found what “my thing” was, but I was really proud of the life we’d created.

VC: And you have been a really big part of my career—in the beginning, you really were. You helped me.

AC: We built things together.

LM: What I have found about being called someone else’s wife, is that as my relationship progresses I’m starting to identify more and more with my husband’s last name—as opposed to my own, because I love him so much and I want to assume the name that better reflects who my family is now. I get really warm feelings on the inside when I’m referred to as “Abie’s wife.” But I don’t think that’s a comment on the male/female compliancy tension so much as it is a function of my feeling really proud of a decision that I made.

AC: I’ve always been proud—I mean my family’s always been my gold. I struggled for a long time figuring out what my creative path was—like my relationship with him and the life we’ve built together and the choices we’ve made together have always been what I feel the most proud of—and then bringing a child into the world. We really make every decision together. And I’m not saying that things are perfect but–

VC: We’re a team.

LM: Would you say that that is probably the reason you’ve been able to maintain the spark for this long?

AC: I also think that we—you know there are different levels you get to in your relationship. I think that you have to keep that part fun and interesting. A couple of years ago we decided we wanted to learn about art, so we started going to art fairs together. Or we wanted to learn how to snowboard. I think you have to learn and do things together in order to grow together.

VC: And not have these separate lives.

AC: We do have a bit of separate lives! Right now especially!

LM: Why right now especially?

AC: Well because for a really long time I didn’t have a booming career and I feel like the past three years have shown a really big shift in me growing my own identity because of my launching my website, Eye Swoon. Through my 20s and 30s, I didn’t have a big social life, I wasn’t involved in fashion. I went to yoga and I had a baby on my hip. And we traveled around the world together—it was amazing—but I did want more and that more has happened in the past couple of years.

LM: What are your favorite things about each other?

AC: Definitely my favorite thing about Victor is how grounded he is. He has never been the type of person who says, “I wish” or “What if” or “If only.” He’s so accepting of what is laid in front of him, and never feels the need to be something else or want for something else. And for someone that was a little outside of myself and seeking something and not knowing what it was, that was really—he’s been my rock.

VC: For me, it’s how selfless she is—always thinking about other people. That’s her happiness. Looking after everyone else.

LM: I love to ask couples what their favorite character traits in each other are, because what I have found in my own relationship is this new understanding of the notion that opposites attract. I’ve come to notice what that means — which is that you admire the character traits in your partner that you don’t have, likely won’t have, but wish you did.

AC: Yeah 100%. I’ve said this before, but I practiced yoga for so long, I was trying to find some stillness and groundedness in myself that I naturally don’t have. And for a really long time when I first got into yoga I was such a pusher. I was so on him like, “You have to come to yoga!” I’m a sharer too, like I can’t even read a book without like being like, “Oh my god you have to read this!” that’s just who I am. And I would push yoga and it got to a point where he was just like “Yo, back the fuck off.” And then what I came to realize is that he has the zen grounded stuff that I was trying to get to through practicing it.

LM: Do you have any advice for someone looking for love?

AC: I hear so many people — even dear friends of mine — say, “He’s not really what I expected.” And I feel like I tried to fight for so long what was naturally this kinetic connection. Maybe people aren’t exactly who you think you’re supposed to, or meant to be with but I could have not listened to my intuition and my family’s intuition and could have kept pushing him away, so forget what you “expect.” People think they’re looking for something else and they don’t see what’s right in front of them.

LM: Yeah that’s great advice. And there’s an element of like needing to trust your gut a little more that gets lost.

AC: Trust your giggles. There was a giggle that came alive in me that didn’t exist before. I was never this kooky silly girl but with him, I was. And we still have that.

LM: I just have to ask one more question: where is Milo?

AC: Wait we have one more bit about Milo. Victor’s mom is Sicilian, doesn’t speak a word of English and called the cops on Milo when Vic told her that he and I were finally getting together. She wouldn’t leave the house so his Sicilian mama called the cops.

VC: It turned into such an ordeal—she lost it and was screaming and my mom heard her screaming and called the cops.

AC: Yeah, she was like “She’s never gonna be with you!”

LM: So I take it you don’t know where she is.

AC: Maybe she reads Man Repeller?

LM: We’ll find out.

VC: She was a game-changer. It was a game-changer. Totally. Any man going through what I was going through needs a Milo.

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