The Boys of Summer

Historically, the end of Memorial Day marks the beginning of Uncuffing Season. On May 26th, a calendar alert pops up regardless of whether or not you’ve disabled notifications. “End whatever relationship you’re in,” it says. “Being in a couple will prohibit your tan.”

But I am a champion of summer love. Staunch as I am in my belief that proud independence is the key to happiness so long as the Parental Vacation Laundry clause remains in effect, two can be better than one in a variety of hot-weather situations.

Like when you need to borrow an air-conditioned room.

The harsh reality, of course, is that when male weekend warriors discard their cuff links in exchange for the Jenna Lyons roll, it doesn’t mean they’re looking; it means they’re single. Big difference. Which means that if you want a summer boyfriend, you’d better renounce your fay-sexuality and find yourself a celebrity.

Jake Lacy

Stats: 30 years old. 6’2″. Actor. You’ve seen him on The Office, Obvious Child, and GIRLS.

MR Creds: Peripheral mentions via “Love Stories” and GIRLS recaps. 2 degrees of Kevin Bacon via Jenny Slate’s Chatroom Appearance.

Why: He’ll warm your butter with his hand and looks great in khakis, if you’re into that kind of thing. Most importantly, he’s under the radar. Girls haven’t realized he’s hot yet.

Perfect for the girl who: is actually looking for something serious.

ASAP Rocky

Stats: 26 years old. 5’10”. Rapper. Pretty Mother Fucker.

MR Creds: Style Icon-recognition, thus joining the ranks of Ralph Lauren, Elisa Sednaoui and Marcia Brady.

Why: He has an excellent friend group. Also, you can borrow his clothes.

Perfect for the girl who: is not the jealous type, loves concerts.

Miles Teller

Stats: 28 years old. His dating-app height is 6’0″. Actor/drummer.

MR Creds: Mentioned once in October (“Three Indie Movies to See,”), plus received a dedicated post titled, “A Thursday Crush on Miles Teller.”

Why: Great tempo.

Perfect for the girl who: wants the stay-at-home-and-chill-guy sometimes, not always; she’s still up for the party likes a man who can dance. She’ll need to handle competition well, however. People know Teller’s name and face now — he has a Fuck Yeah Tumblr page.

Zayn Malik

Stats: 22. 5’7″. Reformed boy-bander. Solo artist.

MR Creds: Mentioned once in April.

Why: He’s a young John Stamos who isn’t afraid of an aesthetic risk. (But with hair like his, the odds are ever in his favor. Yes. Even that time his bangs looked like Kate McCallister’s.)

Perfect for the girl who: is sick of the scene and just “wants to take it easy” this summer.

Justin Bieber

Stats: 21 years old. 5’9″. Singer. (Not rapper, despite previous attempts.)

MR Creds: Multiple, including a plea for the world to love him despite our own refusal to call him a Brat Pack member. We did, however, once have a theory about how Bieber is actually Miley Cyrus.

Why: Because everyone deserves redemption, and if this video doesn’t qualify him for forgiveness then I don’t know what does:

Perfect for the girl who: doesn’t mind repeating to her friends, “You just have to get to know him.”

Eddie Redmayne

Stats: 33 years old. 5’11” but looks 6’1″. Actor with the voice of an angel.

MR Creds: Surprisingly, zero. (Although I’ve seen him mentioned in the comments before.)

Why: Don’t ask stupid questions.

Perfect for the girl: who needs a last minute wedding date who looks amazing in pictures and even better in a tux. This is strictly platonic; she’s been in love with the best man for years.

Not all celebrity boyfriends are created equal, of course, and like I said, it’s uncuffing season; there will be casualties. To avoid drama, I suggest you end things as quickly as possible if you’re dating any of the following: Jared Leto (he’s hot, but too all over the place; Ryan Gosling (he has a kid), and Netflix. What are you still doing dating that thing, anyway? The weather’s finally nice. Go outside.

(…After you tell us your summer celeboyfriend lineup in the comments below, that is.)