SERIOUSLY THOUGH: 5 Things Every Woman Should Own

This is not your run-of-the-mill list of white shirts and leather jackets and high waist jean shorts. Make no mistake, though, those items are all veritably important for the future of your closet. They’re the crux of that which will swim in a sea of imminent sinkers. But before a woman can even begin to conceptualize what she’ll put on her person, she should make sure that her person is maintained. And when I say maintained what I mean is funtained. So here is list of five things that I, for one, believe every woman should really have.

1. A portable razor. Because when the going gets rough, the rough gets shaven. If you, like me, like to shave but only on your own terms, it is likely that what will set you apart from the plebeian hair remover is a specific dress or skirt or blouse that calls not for a leg mane or underarm braids. (Some do! Don’t get me wrong!) As a result of this, shaving does not come second nature to you. Keep a portable razor in check because if you don’t, you will learn the hard way that the only thing worse than an unwanted lack of hair (holler at my bikini line!) is an unwanted surplus of it.

Keep it in a straw basket because that’s what chic people do.

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2. An arsenal of plastic sporks. Because we are women! And women are fickle! Not fickle like hormonally-challenged, but want what we want when we want it! This could sometimes mean a fork for spaghetti or a spoon for ice cream. The actual item is irrelevant; what’s important is that you’ll be prepared for whatever nourishment life throws at you.

3. A brooch. Now I know this might sound dated — who in the good name of millennia still wears brooches in the Age of Smoothies, right? But be flexible in your mind, people! Treat your brain like it is a very difficult yoga pose. Challenge it to make like Gumby and stretch. A brooch is only as useful as you make it; use it as an alteration pin. Fasten your shirt, hem your pants, hike up your skirt, heck, give yourself a bolo tie and call it a high school formal.

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4. Heavy shoes. Why? Because if lint is a shell’s best friend, clogs are a woman’s, and you never know when you might need to throw something of substantial weight at a prospective predator.

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5. Mini scissors. Everyone talks about Cara Delevingne’s eyebrows, but what no one talks about is the 90% chance that a makeup artist routinely holds up a mini pair of stabby mcgees within centimeters of Cara’s eyeballs to trim the hairs that do fly. It’s the secret to full-but-not-bushy. (Here’s what you do: take a dry toothbrush, brush your eyebrows straight up, and carefully trim the long ones so that all soldiers are the same height.) However! These scissors do other things too, like cut stray threads and pants that are too long. They puncture hard to open seals (Capri Sun pouches, Midol packets), clip nails, and if you forgo the aforementioned disposable razor, these will, at the very least, trim the long ankle hairs that blades always seem to miss.

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See also: Man Repeller’s 15 Things Every Woman Should Have, Inès de La Fressange’s episode of the Chatroom and a list of 5 Things to Check Off Your List of Am I French Yet’s.

Image by Kate Worum. (Follow her on Instagram, too!)