I Wasn't Sure

He went to a meditation room to order his thoughts.  His meditation started from memory that had assailed him with unusual force.  In his vision he saw a bare room and a piano.   Through the room fell the cool, blithe light of forenoon, and at the door of the room appeared a handsome, friendly man.
-HERMAN HESSE
The Glass Bead Game, a novel,
Chapter:  Magister Ludi

FEBRUARY 1, 1989 Diary Notes… I realized that January had swiftly passed and I chose to browse my HOUSE BOOK that Lottie gifted me.   There are so many empty pages.   I guess I simply don’t have many visitors.   I found a magazine clipping of a man dressed in white opening a door that led to the sky (the unknown).   I could relate to this sighting.   I immediately clipped it and pasted it to the last page of my HOUSE BOOK.

On January 29th I went to visit mom and she was babysitting my niece, Holly.   I found a pair of eyeglasses and put them on Holly for fun.   She was agreeable for the unique photo opportunity.  Ha-ha

I also took a photo of Holly on a rocking chair that was handed down from my mom to John and Sherri.   This rocking chair was always a part of my life when I was a kid.   I wonder if it will be handed down to Holly or Ashley’s kids.   I remember trying to sit in it.   It’s not an easy fit anymore.  Ha-ha.

Paloma is still successful in sending the most unique, mind-blowing postcards.   I simply adore them. 

In this postcard of the ‘girl with the umbrella opening’, Paloma wrote:
AGDE, France, le 28/01/89 Dear Michael,

Thanks for your cards and letter.   So…Hawaii again, huh?  Tough life!   Who did you go there with?   The guy on the postcard looks OK, you look way better (this one will cost you 3 bucks).
…and I just LOVE that bathing suit!
I really can relate to your car problem.   Imagine that…my car broke down yesterday in the middle of the street on my way to school.   I just love that.   I was with a girlfriend and I pushed it for a few minutes.   Then a nice guy stopped and pushed and it started.   Now it works but I don’t know what happened.   The thing is now I’m worried when I drive it!
I found this other Paloma postcard from a couple of months ago with the minimalism look of black and a woman’s lips that looked a lot like Ann-Margret.   Paloma wrote: Dear Michael,

Thank you for your letters, your pictures and the ads (the perfumes didn’t get here alive!).   The envelope smelled really good though.   I love what you call “gossip and dirt”.   It’s just like if I was watching DISNEY.   I can’t wait for the next show!
I think Kelly is a bad, bad girl.   She shouldn’t invade your privacy!   By the way, what did you write about me in your journal?  Ah...Ah…Ah…better be careful with you.   I bet you never FORGET anything with your writings! 
…Talking about having a close relationship with a man.   I’m sure it’s different.   I had a lot of gay friends in SF, especially my very good friend Brad Rebullosa who just called me about a month ago.   He now lives in L.A. (I think).  Maybe at the beginning it might be fun to live with someone ‘like you’ (same-sex)….but after (?).
PHOTO:  Paloma with Brad Rebullosa
 When I re-read this card I felt a bit of a jolt because after Steven came to visit me it was great fun; however, when he left I felt emptiness and wondered if it was ‘the end’.   I wasn’t sure.

February 5, 1989I received a postcard and a letter from Steven dated February 3, 1989 today, February 5th.

The postcard was postmarked Honolulu and it was a postcard from the WESTIN PHILLIPPINE PLAZA Hotel in Manila.   Steven wrote:

Dear Michael, This postcard was in the HOTEL where I stayed in the Philippines.   Just outside my window, down ten floors was this beautiful pool.

I’m writing this in Japan.   I’ll mail it from Honolulu.   Let’s see who gets there first.   The postcard or myself (?).
…Looking forward to visiting with you.   Japan is pretty cold today.   I’ve been thinking about the beach back home.Sayonara, Steven


In the letter dated February 3, 1989, Steven wrote:Dear Michael,

How you doing there buddy?   I’ll probably get to California before this does—but that’s ok.   It’s always nice to receive mail.  My first 5 days in Japan were quite interesting.   I flew to Manila, Seoul, Korea and then to Honolulu where I sit at the moment.   It’s kind of funny.   I have a hotel room but I live here…
Tomorrow morning I’ll work the flight back to Japan, arrive around noon.   Then I’ll either take the 5:00PM or 7:00PM to San Fran.   I’ll probably call you at work.

I’ll take the new tape you made me on the plane so that I can listen to it on the trip. I hope that you’re enjoying your classes at school.   I’m happy that once again I am studying (my Japanese language).   It’s tough.

I’m glad that you enjoyed the photo and the matches.   That’s probably the nicest picture I’ve ever taken of myself.   I thought you may like it…Hey—I thought I was going to get another picture of you.  Ha-ha It’s getting late and I’ll need to rest for my Japan flight tomorrow.   Again, thanks for the mail and I hope we’re having a nice time together in SFO…
Love,
Steven

PHOTO:  Steven Antol, February 6, 1989, wearing my jacket at my pad in Alameda, CA Well, Steven arrived on February 6th and I was so happy to see him.   We did have a nice time together.   I really didn’t want it to end.   I took him to Berkeley and we saw a few sights in San Francisco but I toured him around Alameda a lot, too.   I wanted to show him where I went to high-school and the neighborhoods.   I introduced him to my mom and she was as cordial as could be.   I simply told mom that we met in Hawaii and that he’s a flight attendant.   I didn’t feel it necessary to go into any intimate detail about our feelings for one another.   After all, we were still in our introductory stage.  I have worries of revealing my man-to-man feelings to my mother; however, I am sure she knows.While Steven was visiting I received another beautiful Black and White Postcard from Paloma.   I had forgotten that I mentioned to Paloma that I was thinking of applying for a job as a flight attendant.   She mentioned it in her postcard.   It’s true.   I was in envy of Steven’s life of travel and I wished I could do the same.   Steven was also encouraging about it.  My Spanish is limited.   Paloma knows I speak fluent French, so I think I have a good chance.   Ha-ha  When I wrote I felt free to hint to Paloma about Steven and Rhonda but I never offered as much detail as I could have because I didn't know if these relationships would be short-lived...or not.


Paloma wrote:
Hello Michael,Thanks for your cards.   I think you’ve had a great idea to apply as a flight attendant.   I hope you’ll get the job.   I’d like to do that. 

Jonathan is OK now, thank you.   I’m always worried though.So, what’s the meaning of that HELP ME RHONDA?  

I’m sorry you can’t watch the video tape I sent you.   That’s too bad.   I won’t be able to send you French videos and stuff.  

I already have the DIVA perfume sample.  Thank you.   UNGARO is a French Designer but you can send it anyway if you don’t know what to do with it.   I’ll trade it.  Once more…thank you for looking around for samples for me.   I have to go now.   I’ll write again soon.  Write me.   Miss you.
Love, Paloma
Send me a picture of your mom’s dolls …or describe.

I told Steven about Paloma, explaining how much she meant to me.   He loved that I had such a relationship.   He shared more stories about the classmates he has known since kindergarten that are still very good friends to him.   I liked knowing this.   It clearly told me that he doesn’t sever relationships so easily.   What would this mean for ‘us’?   Well, I was happy he was still here and knew he wouldn’t be leaving until February 8th…so I’m enjoying his company very much.

I spent some time browsing on my word processor.  I re-read the letter I wrote to Paloma last month using my Pac Bell Directory THE SKY'S THE LIMIT stationery.  I also recalled the two postcards I sent her.   I refrained from details about Rhonda and Steven but I think I will give her some scoop on it as I feel things begin to actually happen (if the relationships tend to have substance):


January 9, 1989
7:02PM, Monday Night

Dear Paloma: Hi Dear, How are you?   I am in a bit of a downer mood right now because I should be at the GYM right now and my car isn’t starting.  I thought it was just because of the freezing cold weather we’ve been having because it had been giving me trouble in that it wouldn’t start-up right away.   I just plain got tired of trying.   Now it’s no major problem as far as work is concerned because I take an Express bus to San Francisco now.   I’m just not happy about it, especially since I have my third TV class on Wednesday night (they teach me how to be in front of a camera+).   I like to drive in to SF on Wednesday because we don’t get out of this class until 9PM.   Boo-hoo.  What do I do?   Oh well, LIFE GOES ON and I won’t dwell on it.   I just hate the hassle of cars sometimes.  You just can’t always live with ‘em and you can’t really live without ‘em (just like WOMEN).  Ha-ha.

Okay, here’s the scoop on how I acquired the perfume samples.   And you are right.   They aren’t that easy to come by.   Five of the ones I got you came in that silver container.   It was a promotional gift being sold at EMPORIUM over the holidays, so knowing that you collect them I just had to get it for you.   The small WHITE LINEN/Estee Lauder sample was included in a gift set that I got for my mom for Christmas.   She likes WHITE LINEN.   Anyway, my mom doesn’t collect them, so I asked her if I could have the little sample to send to you.She said, “Okay.” You know, the violin sample story.   I sent in the coupon with the buck and they sent it to me.   The little Oscar de la Renta sample was on display at Emporium in Pleasanton.   It was really busy that day and it accidentally slipped into my pocket.   The KNOWING sample (also by Estee Lauder) was given to me by I. MAGNIN Department Store.   You see, I got a mailing that invited me to go to the store for my free sample (while supplies last).   And so, the next day after work I went to I. MAGNIN to get the KNOWING sample.   I will check out my mail for future giveaways when it comes to perfumes now.   Let’s see…what else did I send you?   I guess that was it, huh?  

Oh well, here are two more that accidentally slipped into my pocked at the new NORDSTROM Department store in SF (Nina Ricci and Perry Ellis).   I saw the Catherine Deneuve sample.   It’s also at NORDSTROM but when I asked the clerk for one of them.
The clerk answered, “I’m sorry.   We were only giving them away when the store first opened.”

Okay, you can kill me now.   The Catherine Deneuve sample was available but I would have had to pay $95.00 to get it because it was packaged with spray, powder, etc.   I haven’t given up on it.   I am still working on that one for you.   I also saw CHER’s UNINHIBITED perfume at MACY’s but I didn’t ask for a sample.   I doubt if they’ll give the kind you want so easily.   One day I’ll have to go and sweet talk one or two of the perfume sales girls to see what I can get out of them.   So, for now I hope these will do.   I can’t believe you have so many already!  This is “FANTASTICO”. Thanks for the new postcards!  I did recognize that one of you on the beach.  And as a matter of fact I was just thinking about that the other day.  

Do you remember that time one summer you and I walked out of SAFEWAY over here and some guy said, “I bet you two are really SOMETHING on the beach!” Well, I was over at SAFEWAY last week and I had a flashback to that incident.   And now when I got that postcard from you it really brought back memories of you on the beach in Santa Cruz.  Be serious though, you didn’t look that good.  Ha-ha, only kidding.  Please translate:  On se laisse haler!

You never fail on the greatest looking postcards.   And NO, you never sent me that one of AGDE.  I envy you.   It looks so tranquil and warm there. I don’t know what the PAL/SECAM system is (?).   Can that be translated?   All I know is that my VCR uses VHS tapes.   That’s nice of you to tape a show for me.   I trust your taste.   I would like to see some good French TV commercials.   I bet those would be interesting to see.   If your VCR uses VHS tapes maybe I can tape a few good TV movies for you.   Would you like that?   I’m not sure what else plays there for me to ask you what I’d like to see…but I’m sure you’ll find something that I’d find entertaining.  You know me.   What else would I like from France?   I’d say anything fashionable, trendy that you know for a fact is hard to find in the USA.   That would be nice.   I could easily send you the cash.   Just name the price.  Do you know where to find neat looking French porcelain dolls?   No…not for me (unless they’re life size and have ALL the necessary body parts)…my mom collects porcelain dolls now.   I’d like to get one or two for her from France.   Let me know what you can find and how much.   Those dolls run about $5- to $150 here.   That’s how much I’d be willing to send unless you find a “must get” doll.   I will pay more as I do trust your judgment (believe it or not).

That’s one thing about you.   You sure are so noticeable just because you know how to be different in what you wear.   You are a definite FASHIONABLE BEAUTY  (Okay, don’t let it go to your head now). Oh yes…I did get the French bill you sent me.  Thank you.   It wasn’t necessary.   It brought me back to when I was there visiting you in 1985.  I sure would like to visit again.  It’d be neat to meet Jonathan and Alexandre.

 I haven’t seen BEETLEJUICE.   It’s not my favorite type of movies either.   Lately, I’ve seen CLEAN AND SOBER, starring Michael Keaton; EVERYBODY’S ALL AMERICAN, starring Jessica Lange and Dennis Quaid; TEQUILA SUNRISE, starring Mel Gibson, Kurt Russell and Michelle Pfeiffer, BURNING SECRET, starring Faye Dunaway; WORKING GIRL, starring Harrison Ford, Sigourney Weaver and Melanie Griffith.   I also saw FRANTIC on video, starring Harrison Ford (which was filmed in Paris and directed by Roman Polanski.   Did you see any of these?   I sort of saw THREE MEN AND A BABY but it was during Christmas Day and I couldn’t be attentive to the storyline with my nieces yelling and stuff (so I didn’t really see it).  I had heard it was a remake from some French film though.   I would imagine the French version to be better. So, “that girl” is a recovering alcoholic, huh?   Why aren’t I surprised?  How old is she now?   I wonder if she looks good.   You should tell her to give me a call.  Ha-ha.   I don’t mean it ‘in that way’ though.   I’d like to be her friend if she’s willing.   It’s always good to make friends that are NOT relying on alcohol or drugs for a good time.   I mean, a movie or a bite-to-eat or just plain good conversation is always good.

I’m supposed to register at USF on January 19th.   I’ve also recently applied for a new job (one opening in SF and two in LA).   If I get offered one in LA I may very well take it.   I’d hate to register for a class at USF and have to drop out to go to LA though.   I was going to take a course in Counseling.   I still haven’t ruled out my modeling/acting debut.  Ha-ha.  I shall keep you informed.   I have 7 more classes to complete at the ELITE MODELING/TV place in SF.   Right now I am being trained on how to be more comfortable in front of a video camera (auditioning for TV commercials for example).   It’s a little bit nerve-racking.   Again…time will tell. I just took a break to take a picture of myself for you with my POLAROID camera.   I am lounging around in my robe, depressed because my car didn’t start.   I’ve resorted to writing you this letter instead (Ha-ha).   I probably look kind of pale but I am flying to Hawaii on Thursday morning (January 12, 1989).  Hurrah.   I hope I get a little color.   I know you probably want me to shut up about Hawaii, right?

I went to Mom’s for Christmas.   My brothers appeared with their wives and their daughters.   Yes, that’d be neat for Jonathan to play with Ashley, Lauren, Holly and Leigh.   They are HOT items. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.   I know it is early January.   I just forget the day (2nd, 3rd or 5th…3rd I bet!).   Oh well, HAPPY NEW YEAR too.
Missing You, Michael J Armijo

January 9, 1989   HI Paloma,
Neat card, huh?   It caught my eye. 

I was just finishing a letter to you on my word processor.   Then I realized I forgot to include something after I already sealed it.   I got this mail insert about CHER’s new perfume.   I thought you’d like to see it.   You can even smell it because if you unleash the flap it’ll give you an idea of the fragrance.   I’ll work on getting a sample for you.   And from now on…when I receive mail inserts like this I’ll send them to you to get your opinion.   Who knows?   Something might come along that you JUST HAVE TO HAVE.   When that happens please let me know!  I have no problem in purchasing anything you really want.   Don’t worry about paying me back.   After all…you are going to let me boarder with you when I come to visit.   So if you really want a certain product let me know.   In the meantime, I’ll continue seeking bottled miniature perfume samples (hard as they are to come by).  CHER sort of resembles you here, so I thought you’d like the ad. Oh well…I’m going to turn on the TV and curl up (trying NOT to think about my car that won’t start-up).   Thinking of You.
Regards to Alexandre and Jonathan.
Love,
Michael Joe Armijo

Postcard mailed from Honolulu, January 13, ,1989 to Paloma:
Hi Paloma, …saw this postcard and then immediately envisioned YOU in the same stance, looking ever-so-much MORE eye-catching!

It rained here but it’s still warm and OK.  Hope I get some color. THINKING OF YOU.  Next stop…South of France…I wish.

Love, Michael
  January 29, 1989  POSTCARD of THE BAY, Berkeley Marriott

 Paloma, I received your tape yesterday but it did not show on my VCR at all.   The volume came out but it seemed to be at a very high speed.   I was so excited when I received it though.   Nice though…sweetie.

I should receive a perfume sample called DIVA by Emanuel Ungaro (ever hear of it?) any day now.   Expect it soon.   There was a special Neiman-Marcus giveaway and I requested one. Keep smiling and I’ll be in-touch.   Hawaii was GREAT!   I had the best time.  More Later.  Love, Michael J Armijo
“He pressed both hands against his heart that was at long last torn, and shut his lips.   For a man has the right to murmur audibly “Paloma”, “Kelly” or "Rhonda" and to kiss in public the portrait of a lady, but he must stifle the names of “Christopher”, “Chad” or “Steven”.
--THE PURE AND THE IMPURE by COLETTE