I'm Not Lonely

Examining one’s mind consisted of asking three simple questions on a regular basis:
1.     Am I angry?
2.     Am I sad?
3.     On a scale of 1 to 10, how do I feel?
Investigating the answers was the beginning of changing one’s experience, and of eventually attaining peace-of-mind.
--Paul Huljich
BETRAYAL of Love and Freedom, a novel
(based on a little truth)

Diary Notes early February 1989…Steven was still visiting and he was feeling so cold while in the Bay Area.  
“It must be that Hawaiian heat that you’re so used to,” I decided to say.
I let him wear my violet fleece jacket to keep warm.  
“You look good in that color; it accentuates your eyes, too.”
Steven smiled.
PHOTO:  Steven Antol, wearing my violet fleece jacket

Steven A Antol is actually a year younger than I (his middle name is Andrew).  
I asked him, "Are you familiar with the Children's book, NOBODY LISTENS TO ANDREW?""No."
"You must read it.  It's one of my favorite children books."Steven was born on November 20, 1960.   He has three brothers (Bernard Jr., Kenneth and Ronald) and a sister (named Lee Ann).    He is very close to his family and always seems so happy.  I like that.I found a 1987 B&W postcard from a Christian Dior ‘Eau Sauvage’ men's cologne ad that is dated 1987.   The card depicts a male model that reminds me so much of Steven.   I plan to hold on to this card for a long while and send it to him when the time feels right.   When I saw it I thought, “That’s Steven!”  I had to purchase it.  It also seems to depict his emotions 'at times'. Steven left my house on the early morning of February 8, 1989.   He woke me to ask for a pen.   He left me a Valentine Card on my dining table.   I found this to be quite touching.   On the outside of the RED envelope he wrote:

P.S.  This is the pen I had to wake you up for!  I only had a red one sitting in the spare room—as I write this you are taking a nap…Sweet dreams.Inside the card, Steven wrote:
Dear Michael—

Hey Dude…I had a very nice time visiting you in San Francisco.   Thanks for picking me up at the Airport and for letting me stay at your place.   I had a good rest. Now it’s back to Japan, back to my work, my studies, my noodles and rice.   I’ll keep in touch through my travels and hoping you’ll do the same.  If you don’t—well, the next time it will be “No more Mr. Nice Guy _____,  _______,  ____,  ______, _______.”   (Fill in the blanks…Nah, just joking…
Thanks for all the FUN.   Enjoy your Valentine’s Day Buddy.
Aloha and Sayonara, 
Steven

I read the card a few times.   I was happy I took a photo of him while he was shaving last night, too.   I liked the reflections of him from the mirror.

PHOTO:  Steven Andrew Antol, shaving I had already felt a slight emptiness after Steven departed.   I felt a need to sit outside in my small backyard and write him another letter, so I did.A few days letter I had another ecstatic moment—after my work day-- when I found another letter from him in my mailbox.   He included his United Airlines Boarding Pass stub – ANTOL/S From San Francisco To Tokyo/Narita Flight 53, 8FEB 100P.   Steven wrote on HOWARD JOHNSON Hotel stationery this time:

 Feb 09 – in SFOFeb 10 –in JAPAN Dear Michael…
Hoping this note finds you well, in good spirits and rested.   I arrived yesterday evening about 6pm.   My flight was great.   There were a lot of seats open and I occupied a row of 4 seats in the middle.   I slept a lot of the way—stretched out, comfortably wrapped w/blankets and 4 pillows for my head.

During the flight I listened to my music, ate, wrote in my journal and wrote a letter to my brother and studied my Japanese, of course.   I guess I could say that I had a productive flight. I woke up this morning and had some breakfast and then it was off to the gym.   I had a nice workout.  I would have stayed longer but I was hungry.

Today I have the day off.   Tomorrow morning I should have an assignment.   It will be interesting to see where I’m off to next. Thanks again for the nice time at your place.   I really enjoyed the quick visit.   I kind of wish it was a bit longer…   I’ll wait till it gets WARMER until I stay longer.  Ha-Ha.   It was just as cold here in Japan today as it was in SFO…Brrr.

Thanks for the picture of old SFO.   I have it here with me at my desk with your picture.   And THANK YOU again for those journals.  You have inspired me to keep on writing.   I still can’t get over that you are the only person other than myself who had kept a journal.   I’ll be happy to see one day when you have your book completed.   That would really be a great accomplishment.   Keep at it.   Don’t give up, Michael.   I do want an autographed copy…you know?  Ha-ha. Well again—that’s all I have for now.   I hope you received the other card I mailed to you.   I was sneaky and mailed it at the box across the street from where we had that excellent breakfast.   Yummy.   I’d love to go there again.   I’d say we really worked up an appetite.  J

Take Care Buddy.   I’ll try and keep in touch each chance I get. ALOHA, Steven
P.S.   This is written in Japan. 
If I fly to the mainland I’ll mail it from there.   Bye.

I feel alone but I’m not lonely.   I feel Steven thinking of me as I am constantly thinking of him now.Being alone is NOT the same as being lonely. -Garth Stein, THE ART OF RACING IN THE RAIN, a novel