You’ve Heard of Cuffing Season, Right?

Cuffing Season: the stretch of time between the first weekend so crappy that everyone’s like, “Let’s just stay in instead,” until the first day of spring. Because the inclement weather of December through March tends to cause young patrons of the Northern Hemisphere to be less social than they were during warmer months, singles match up so they can leave the bar early when it snows and have someone to consistently cuddle with should they get bored, lonely or cold.

Mass hysteria tends to set in around this time because no one likes to not have New Year’s Eve plans — a problem that is solved rather quickly by the annoyingly quaint phrase, “We’re having a quiet New Year’s together. Just the two of us.” (Like okay, Will Smith.)

Hence, Cuffing Season, which brings us to a very festive episode of The Mindy Project.

Since Mindy and Danny are technically already cuffed, the next step is to get Legally Cuffed. Mindy wants Danny to propose, thinks he’s about to propose, anddd then…he doesn’t.

Untethered by a pre-spring ring, however, Dr. Lahiri reminds herself that she’s an independent woman and hi, a great doctor, so she applies for an 8-month teaching fellowship at Stanford per the encouragement of her boss, Dr. Jean Fishman.

Upon learning this, Danny panics and momentarily sabotages Mindy’s chances at getting accepted. This being Cuffing Season, however, Danny knows that the only way to secure a DFMO under the mistletoe is if he rights his wrongs. He still doesn’t ask her to marry him, but he fixes his eff-up and Mindy — bless her Cali-bound heart — gets in.

Take note, Danny Castellano: Portola Valley has the best weather in the Bay Area. Sleeves tend to get un-cuffed where the redwoods grow.

Meanwhile, Peter Pan Prentice asks Danny to set him up with someone (’tis the season). Danny says he knows a great girl named Julia Stiles, and she’s a hoarder.

My bad. Her name is actually Jessica (I think), but Julia Stiles plays her. WHO CAN KEEP UP WITH ALL OF THESE NEW (1) CHARACTERS?

Anyway, she’s a hoarder, and though she’s excited to meet Peter she accidentally meets Morgan: the loveable ex-convict who rocks a front tooth gap with the same panache as former pro-footballer-turned-talkshow-host, Michael Strahan.

Really, Morgan’s only downsides are his criminal record, inability to pronounce “etc.” in its abbreaviated form, the fact that he didn’t correct Stiles when he realized she thought he was Peter and, the tattoo around his belly button that reads “No More Stealing Cars.”

But ah, how art imitates life:

Just like in 10 Things I Hate About You, Julia Stiles falls for the bad boy instead of the doctor even though she knows he’s been untruthful.

And by falls, I mean she agrees to continue sleeping with him because like I said guys, Cuffing Season.

Talking points:

1) Though Morgan shouted like a lunatic outside Stiles’ window rather than play “In Your Eyes” from a battery-operated boom box, has the Lloyd Dobler method ever not worked?

2) WHAT IN GOD’S NAME HAPPENED TO TAMRA?! WHEN DID SHE AND MORGAN BREAK UP?!

3) Are you not furious that you didn’t come up with “Wreath Witherspoon” on your own? Are you in no way less inclined to create one just because it wasn’t your idea?

4) Why is Jeremy’s girlfriend-who-broke-Peter’s-heart back?

5) Last but not least: is anyone else seeking a partner for Cuffing Season, if only to spend the entire winter practicing this?

Good, me too.