The Curmudgeon Universe
“Is that Kim Jong Un?” Sean said looking at the TV.
“That dude’s in the outer rim,” I responded.
“Dare I ask?”
“Outer rim. I’m the sun and he’s Pluto.”
“So the galaxy revolves around you now?”
“Not everyone’s. Just mine.” I grabbed a dry erase marker and sauntered to the board. “Let’s say this is me.” I put a dot on the board. “The people who agree with me and share the same beliefs are Venus and Mercury. Kind of like you right now.” I drew two small circles around my dot.
“Awww. You think I’m a God? How sweet.”
“Stay with me, Petunia. Next comes Earth and Mars, which represent the people who are like me, but don’t always agree. They’re good people and I like or respect them, but we don’t see eye to eye.” I drew more orbits. “The next layer is Jupiter and Saturn who are the people that disagree with me but maybe do it in a respectful way so I tolerate them. I wouldn’t hang out with them though, because they’re full of gas.”
It was an awesome joke. He rolled his eyes, clearly too sober for this deep discussion. “Neptune and Uranus are the people who have a totally skewed point of view and if we ever had a conversation it would probably devolve into ‘nuh-uh’ and ‘you motherfucker!’”
“And Pluto?”
“Total fucking nutjobs you should never interact with.”
“Interesting.”
“But here’s the thing…in their universe, you and I are Pluto. We have right wing beliefs so they think we’re the crazy ones. We’re the unbending, business-loving conservatives who they think are out in right field, which is fine. Everyone has their own universe and layers of people they surround themselves with. I think that’s part of being a curmudgeon; you finally realize that you’re never going to change anyone’s universe. They have a belief system and are set in it…but so are we.”
He paused to think about this mind-blowing truth. “So who’s right?”
“The person who has history, hard data, or facts on their side. Capitalists think Communists are on the outer rim. We think they’re a whole different bag of crazy, but Commies feel the same about us. So who’s right? I’ll tell ya who. The one with a hundred years of proof behind them…us. Capitalism has mostly succeeded in every country that has attempted it except the ones who were idiots about it while Communism has failed every time it’s been attempted but two and those experiments are getting anorexic.” I pointed back to the TV as Kim Jong Un waved to the crowd.
“Pluto.”
Curmudgeonism: A Surly Man's Guide to Midlife
“That dude’s in the outer rim,” I responded.
“Dare I ask?”
“Outer rim. I’m the sun and he’s Pluto.”
“So the galaxy revolves around you now?”
“Not everyone’s. Just mine.” I grabbed a dry erase marker and sauntered to the board. “Let’s say this is me.” I put a dot on the board. “The people who agree with me and share the same beliefs are Venus and Mercury. Kind of like you right now.” I drew two small circles around my dot.
“Awww. You think I’m a God? How sweet.”
“Stay with me, Petunia. Next comes Earth and Mars, which represent the people who are like me, but don’t always agree. They’re good people and I like or respect them, but we don’t see eye to eye.” I drew more orbits. “The next layer is Jupiter and Saturn who are the people that disagree with me but maybe do it in a respectful way so I tolerate them. I wouldn’t hang out with them though, because they’re full of gas.”
It was an awesome joke. He rolled his eyes, clearly too sober for this deep discussion. “Neptune and Uranus are the people who have a totally skewed point of view and if we ever had a conversation it would probably devolve into ‘nuh-uh’ and ‘you motherfucker!’”
“And Pluto?”
“Total fucking nutjobs you should never interact with.”
“Interesting.”
“But here’s the thing…in their universe, you and I are Pluto. We have right wing beliefs so they think we’re the crazy ones. We’re the unbending, business-loving conservatives who they think are out in right field, which is fine. Everyone has their own universe and layers of people they surround themselves with. I think that’s part of being a curmudgeon; you finally realize that you’re never going to change anyone’s universe. They have a belief system and are set in it…but so are we.”
He paused to think about this mind-blowing truth. “So who’s right?”
“The person who has history, hard data, or facts on their side. Capitalists think Communists are on the outer rim. We think they’re a whole different bag of crazy, but Commies feel the same about us. So who’s right? I’ll tell ya who. The one with a hundred years of proof behind them…us. Capitalism has mostly succeeded in every country that has attempted it except the ones who were idiots about it while Communism has failed every time it’s been attempted but two and those experiments are getting anorexic.” I pointed back to the TV as Kim Jong Un waved to the crowd.
“Pluto.”
Curmudgeonism: A Surly Man's Guide to Midlife
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