Government Worker Frustrated He Hasn't Come Up With More Red Tape
Ronny McLazy isn’t fond of cliché American tweets. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it is for losers who like to say ‘Merica and Git R Done,” he says. An analyst at the Defense Technology and Awesomeness Agency, McLazy has plodded on in his cushy government job for nearly ten years, but for this career douchebag one thing remains absent from his “I love me” wall of certificates. McLazy still has not enacted a new measure of silliness to gum up the Federal works.
“Everyone I know has added a layer to the chaos,” he says. “But for me it’s just not happening. Call it writer’s block. Call it Virginitis. Call it whatever, but I haven’t been able to engineer a piece of the red tape process to call my own. It’s maddening.”
Four snack breaks and six trips to the bathroom each hour provide no respite for this dedicated inefficiency expert. Even hundreds of empty “teleworking” hours haven’t been able to clear McLazy’s head enough to get his roadblock packet on track. Most of the people McLazy works with have advanced degrees in Analytic Thinking and Systems Engineering, so with incomplete studies in Women’s Fashion and Dead Languages he’s already swimming hard to not drown.
“No one listens to me,” McLazy says while rebooting his Microsoft Windows 2003 yet again. “It’s far too easy to do our jobs here. It’s like they actually want to get work done sometimes. It’s my duty to to pump the taxpayer’s brakes and lower their crazy expectations.” McLazy breaks out a pair of Skillcraft scissors to manicure his Bansai tree and points at a nearby cubicle. “See Sal over there?” he says dropping Bansai clippings on his Low Energy Consumption Work Plan Seminar Certificate of Participation. “He single handedly added 6 days to all interdepartmental purchase requests by introducing 3 forms and 8 signatures to all packets. It took him six months and he only came into the office 3 days a week! Genius.”
McLazy previously submitted a proposal that all field research had to be performed by dwarves or regular sized people with less than 14 total combined fingers and toes, but it was rejected by the Coitus Is Not In My Job Description Committee.
“That was amateur,” he says looking back on it. “I think if I can get my pending executive action packet that would require all Federal writing devices to contain 50% marsupial sperm to the boss by next month he may schedule an initial redundandt meeting and push my bill to the Secondary Action Committee of Knowledge (SACK) and actually load it into our proprietary document tracking software to begin the Intermediate Unnecessary Seminar before the next Olympics….Winter Olympics of course. Then I’ll be complete.”
Curmudgeonism: A Surly Man's Guide to Midlife
“Everyone I know has added a layer to the chaos,” he says. “But for me it’s just not happening. Call it writer’s block. Call it Virginitis. Call it whatever, but I haven’t been able to engineer a piece of the red tape process to call my own. It’s maddening.”
Four snack breaks and six trips to the bathroom each hour provide no respite for this dedicated inefficiency expert. Even hundreds of empty “teleworking” hours haven’t been able to clear McLazy’s head enough to get his roadblock packet on track. Most of the people McLazy works with have advanced degrees in Analytic Thinking and Systems Engineering, so with incomplete studies in Women’s Fashion and Dead Languages he’s already swimming hard to not drown.
“No one listens to me,” McLazy says while rebooting his Microsoft Windows 2003 yet again. “It’s far too easy to do our jobs here. It’s like they actually want to get work done sometimes. It’s my duty to to pump the taxpayer’s brakes and lower their crazy expectations.” McLazy breaks out a pair of Skillcraft scissors to manicure his Bansai tree and points at a nearby cubicle. “See Sal over there?” he says dropping Bansai clippings on his Low Energy Consumption Work Plan Seminar Certificate of Participation. “He single handedly added 6 days to all interdepartmental purchase requests by introducing 3 forms and 8 signatures to all packets. It took him six months and he only came into the office 3 days a week! Genius.”
McLazy previously submitted a proposal that all field research had to be performed by dwarves or regular sized people with less than 14 total combined fingers and toes, but it was rejected by the Coitus Is Not In My Job Description Committee.
“That was amateur,” he says looking back on it. “I think if I can get my pending executive action packet that would require all Federal writing devices to contain 50% marsupial sperm to the boss by next month he may schedule an initial redundandt meeting and push my bill to the Secondary Action Committee of Knowledge (SACK) and actually load it into our proprietary document tracking software to begin the Intermediate Unnecessary Seminar before the next Olympics….Winter Olympics of course. Then I’ll be complete.”
Curmudgeonism: A Surly Man's Guide to Midlife
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