Waiting For Bae

Bae is the worst boyfriend ever.

It’s our own fault, really — we should never have broken up with Jared Leto. It’s just that Jared avocado’d out of nowhere and got super clingy, plus his hair clogged the drain and his legs made us insecure, so we slow-faded the man who we once dumped Ryan Gosling for. Dumb on our parts, because now that Ryan has a baby it’s not like we can beg him to take us back. And so, we are stuck with Bae.

For one thing, Bae is a terrible name. A unique moniker isn’t the issue — besides, how many more Mikes can one world hold — but unfortunately, Bae, in Danish, means “Poop.” Even worse is that Bae has no last name, like Madonna, and while we’re modern women all for keeping our own surnames names post-marriage, isn’t there something sort of depressing about monogramming Mr. & Mrs. Bae? In Danish, that’s Mr. & Mrs. Poop.

Also, aside from Bae not being particularly stationary-friendly, Bae is dating everyone. Guys, girls, 12-year-olds. It’s weird.

I guess Jared technically was too since we declared him “the Internet’s new boyfriend,” but everyone did not constantly Pin memes about what they looked like when “Jared texted.” Everyone did not flood my Instagram feed with images of them “missing Leto’s bun.” Not the case in this relationship, where I’m forced to scroll through my various feeds and see literally everyone “waiting for Bae.”

And that’s another thing: Bae is always late. Bae’s got more people tapping their foot on his behalf than Godot. Bae is not Kanye — no one feels honored by Bae’s lateness. Since the entire population of Tumblr and Twitter is apparently dating him, can’t someone buy a watch for The Bae?

Bae’s also kind of a dick. When he isn’t late, he’s canceling. He ignores texts for no reason and quite honestly, he seems like he’s leading a lot of people on.

Also — this is super-douchey — but worse than third-person-references is that Bae likes to be addressed with a “The.” 

“The Bae.”

Have you heard of anything more egotistical? Like, if Facebook dropped it, I think you can too, dude.

We could all just break up with him. Or her. (It’s true that Bae’s one redeeming quality is being versatile.) But fall is here, which is more or less the unofficial dating season, so I guess until our next Ryan or Jared comes along we’ll stick it out. Keep our dance cards full. It’s kind of pathetic, but you can’t really Instagram “single,” so until then we’ll just all be waiting. Together. Waiting for our joint boyfriend, Bae.

God damnit.

Feature Image shot by Thomas Babeau