How To Win Mario Kart In 5 Easy Steps
When I was younger, I loved Mario Kart. So did a lot of my friends. Naturally, that meant we played a lot of Mario Kart. Today, I’m going to tell you how to win Mario Kart. You don’t need quick reflexes. You don’t need a lot of experience. You don’t even need to be good at the game. You just need to be evil and follow these five easy steps:
1. Identify the most beloved character amongst your group of friends. Choose that character. Ignore their pleas to pick another character. This is about throwing your opponents off, and the easiest way to do that is to force them to play a character they’re not used to. Remember, during Mario Kart, there are no friends. There are only corpses.
2. Ensure that you are the one choosing the stage and/or the battle mode. Fairness will get you nowhere in Mario Kart. Play to your strengths and force your enemies to languish in their weaknesses. Mercy is for the weak.
3. If one of your friends nemeses begins to struggle during the game, go after them. Your goal should be complete mental disintegration. That means camping next to them with three red shells. It means leaving banana peels in front of spawn locations or under item boxes. It means pretending to be helpless and then activating a star when someone tries to ram you. It is both kinder and safer to put your enemies out of their misery than to give them a chance to recover.
4. Form expedient (and expendable) alliances. In any four player game, there is almost always one player that is noticeably stronger than the others. If that player is not you, then help the others to eliminate that player. However, do not strike the killing blow. Instead, let the others exhaust their items/ammunition. Provide them with just enough time to dispatch the more skilled player before turning on them. If you time this correctly, they will be completely unarmed and helpless. Treachery will win where talent and skill alone will fail.
5. The game does not end at the television screen. The unwritten rule of Mario Kart is that only fools keep the competition in the game. Your enemies can (and will) resort to out-of-game strategies to defeat you. These strategies include (but are not limited to): screaming obscenities, throwing food/shoes, blocking your view of the television, and even attempting to choke you with their forearm while using their hands to maintain control of their character. However, these strategies are for amateurs. You can still play while being insulted. Food/shoes are unlikely to immediately render you unconscious, and blocking the television can easily be countered by kicking your enemy in the back. As for the choking, you can retaliate with a simple head butt to the chin. What you should do is something much simpler: unplug the controllers of your opponents. Without their controllers plugged in, your opponents are helpless, regardless of their skill. For wireless controls, you can either remove the batteries or de-sync. The best kind of victory is absolute victory.
If you have made it this far, then I congratulate you. You are now ready to win Mario Kart.
Next week: Why Every Mario Party Player Should Wear A Helmet
1. Identify the most beloved character amongst your group of friends. Choose that character. Ignore their pleas to pick another character. This is about throwing your opponents off, and the easiest way to do that is to force them to play a character they’re not used to. Remember, during Mario Kart, there are no friends. There are only corpses.
2. Ensure that you are the one choosing the stage and/or the battle mode. Fairness will get you nowhere in Mario Kart. Play to your strengths and force your enemies to languish in their weaknesses. Mercy is for the weak.
3. If one of your friends nemeses begins to struggle during the game, go after them. Your goal should be complete mental disintegration. That means camping next to them with three red shells. It means leaving banana peels in front of spawn locations or under item boxes. It means pretending to be helpless and then activating a star when someone tries to ram you. It is both kinder and safer to put your enemies out of their misery than to give them a chance to recover.
4. Form expedient (and expendable) alliances. In any four player game, there is almost always one player that is noticeably stronger than the others. If that player is not you, then help the others to eliminate that player. However, do not strike the killing blow. Instead, let the others exhaust their items/ammunition. Provide them with just enough time to dispatch the more skilled player before turning on them. If you time this correctly, they will be completely unarmed and helpless. Treachery will win where talent and skill alone will fail.
5. The game does not end at the television screen. The unwritten rule of Mario Kart is that only fools keep the competition in the game. Your enemies can (and will) resort to out-of-game strategies to defeat you. These strategies include (but are not limited to): screaming obscenities, throwing food/shoes, blocking your view of the television, and even attempting to choke you with their forearm while using their hands to maintain control of their character. However, these strategies are for amateurs. You can still play while being insulted. Food/shoes are unlikely to immediately render you unconscious, and blocking the television can easily be countered by kicking your enemy in the back. As for the choking, you can retaliate with a simple head butt to the chin. What you should do is something much simpler: unplug the controllers of your opponents. Without their controllers plugged in, your opponents are helpless, regardless of their skill. For wireless controls, you can either remove the batteries or de-sync. The best kind of victory is absolute victory.
If you have made it this far, then I congratulate you. You are now ready to win Mario Kart.
Next week: Why Every Mario Party Player Should Wear A Helmet
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