Does “VMA” Stand for Violently Mangled Attire?

What a mistake it was to choose sleep over the VMAs last night! I feel as though I have failed humanity by prioritizing mental health above cerebral paralysis. How could I have missed such a salient homage to 2001 in real time? The horror! The agony! Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears were remade 13 years later starring Katy Perry and Riff Raff and now, I’d have only reprocessed photos to show for my incipient elation.

I could get over that, though. As a matter of fact — I did. But when I got into work, headlines detailing the solidarity with which Jay Z stood with Beyoncé last night as she received some version of a lifetime achievement award ran amuck. What in the good name of children named after colors had I missed?

Twenty minutes later, I learned nothing. I had missed nothing that I couldn’t have caught up on in the twenty minutes that I did, you know, catch up.

And you know what else I learned? That Taylor Swift shunned pants in the name of a turquoise long sleeve cat suit to usher in the award ceremony, while matching outfits outside of the realm of the Perry-Raff jean-scheme of 2014 was trending; why else would Adam Levine and his partner in leather dress up like Cat Women while Jordin Sparks and Jason Derulo played the couple-o-angels card? Also of note was Amber Rose’s decision to wear a necklace as a dress and the acerbically attractive progeny of the Kardashian revolution in the form of Jenner sisters. There, I said it.

Kim Kardashian didn’t wear dramatic lipstick or as many layers of foundation as the public is used to, so apparently, beauty sites are up in arms about this new no makeup approach.

Of note in the metropolis were two cool women: Solange Knowles and Chloe Moretz. Both kept it real, Vogue style, opting not for birds of a feather or the latex of a condom, but instead provided the kind of fodder forecasts are built upon in anticipation of the deluge of street style we seemingly have in store for us next week, what with the initiation of Fashion Week on the horizon and all.

Conclusion: I’m glad I slept.

Continuation: Tell me everything there is to know about what happened elsewhere and otherwise last night.

Please?