Why You Need to Take in Compliments

When we are open to honoring the different parts of ourselves, we experience more of our passion and power. We feel better about ourselves and are able to take in the gestures of kindness and support from others. This became clear to me when Hanna, an acquaintance of mine who is a gifted singer, could not receive any praise of her talent.

She invited me to one of her performances in a small cabaret. After the show, I approached her and said how fabulously she performed. By her facial expression, I could see that she didn’t take in what I had to say, an impression that was reinforced by her response—a quick “Thanks,” followed by, “Oh, it was so hard to get this gig and I don’t know where the next one is coming from.”

Hanna did not pause to receive my sincere compliment, which, had she been able to accept it, could have contributed to her feeling good about her performance. Instead, she deprived herself of enjoying the appreciation of her audience.

Because I truly wanted her to succeed, we spent some time talking about how she had discounted my earlier compliment. She was open to listening to what I had to say, and that began to create a shift in her thinking and her ability to take in acknowledgment. Ultimately, letting in praise enabled her to go for better-paying concerts and land the gigs she deserved.

-Excerpted from In Her Power: Reclaiming Your Autnehtic Self. By Helene Lerner. Beyond Words, 2012.