Restoring Peace
This is what I’ve got at the moment. It’s a work in progress, if you can see things to add or fine tune, please do pile in to the comments section.
1) Recognise the problem. A peace that is based on pretending all is well, is an illusion and not worth having. Name it, admit it, call it what it is. If this makes you feel hurt and angry, then let that wash over you. If possible, try not to go and vent that at someone, even if you think it was their fault. (No, my track record is not great on that score.)
2) Work out how the problem came to be. Try not to take assumptions into this process. Look for clear, verifiable evidence. When things go wrong, there is usually a process, and it is seldom all one person’s fault. Look hard at your own behaviour and thinking, if you could have done better, own it. This will help a lot with stage three…
3) Sort out the things you have got wrong. There is no point going and getting angry with people who you feel have harmed you or caused trouble. If they did not mean it, they will be needlessly hurt, if they did, they won’t give a shit, or will use it as an opportunity to hurt you again.
4) If you say ‘I got this bit wrong’ it is easier for other people to admit their mistakes, too. If you are dealing with someone who cares about you at all, or is passably sane, starting by owning the bits you got wrong (even if it’s not having been clear enough why you were upset) opens a dialogue without being too aggressive. It is possible to move forward from here.
5) Accept that other people make mistakes. If they made those mistakes honestly, not out of malice, they will want to put things right and you can progress. If they meant to hurt you, there is nothing you can do but walk away. Genuine care and love can overcome human error. Genuinely psychotic inclinations cannot be fixed. You find out who people are when you go through this process.
Of course it would have been so much cleverer if I’d sat down at the start of last week and worked this out as a logical issue, rather than finding it through a messy process of getting things wrong, losing my temper more than once and testing several relationships to near breaking point. But this is the thing, where there is real care, even this can be worked through. People get upset, flail, lose their tempers, mess up, make poor choices, get angry for the right reasons, the wrong reasons, and all of that. We all do that to some degree. Most of the time, that can be got past, with a bit of care, a bit of willingness to drop guard, lower pride. To those of you who went through the fire with me last week, my thanks. You are much loved and valued. To those of you I need to work things through with still, please note I have a better strategy in place than I did and will probably be a lot easier to work with as a consequence. To those of you who can only do blame and anger, farewell, there is simply no time and place in my life for that.
Peace can only be restored where there is genuine good will and a true desire for peace. If you’re keeping score or want to come out winning, peace is impossible, and I’m not going to play.
