How to Communicate with Empathy

I teach an effective communications course and many of the professionals in my program struggle with feeling as if they’re being listened to with empathy and understanding. When we demonstrate empathic listening, we have more of a chance to get it from others. Here is a practical, three-step formula. It’s from a colleague, Sam Lloyd of SuccessSystems, Inc. However, just like anything that is not yet a habit, this takes lots of practice.

Here's how to do it

1. Listen attentively to what the other person says and also pay attention to the subtle cues that tell you how they feel. People rarely express their emotions with words so you have to read the signals that come from their body language – tone of voice, posture, facial expression, etc.

2. Restate what you heard them say  - provide  a brief summary of the content and acknowledge their feelings.

3. End your restatement with a "checkout" question such as "Right?" - "Have I understood?" - "Am I with you?"

Let’s try this out in an example: "Sounds like you're really resentful (feeling) about the way your friend treated you after the party and you're not quite sure what to do (content). Right? (checkout question)"

If your restatement is close to accurate, the other person will confirm by saying, "Yes" and will tell you more.

If you are concerned about how the other person might respond if you are inaccurate with the content summary or the emotion you think you identified, no worries! If you're wrong, the worst that will happen is that he or she will correct you — and that's a good thing! This avoids miscommunication. If you're just a little off target he or she will clarify by saying it again a little differently, improving mutual understanding.

Use this three-step formula every time you communicate. Simply restate content, acknowledge feelings and end with a checkout question. Practice, practice, practice! You will be amazed at the improvement in your communications with others and the quality of your relationships!

-Andrea Zintz, Career Coach