Pope Skips Concert NOT to “Send Signal,” Just to Take Nap

Contrary to popular media conjecture, Pope Francis’ absence from a recent gala concert was NOT a snub, nor a clear message about living a modest lifestyle — he was taking a nap.

Reuters, Italian media, and others have proposed that Francis is sending signals to the Vatican that he will not live the papal “high life.” However, in this exclusive interview, Unleash the Sloth! reveals that the new pope loves the high life – he just needs to catch extra Zs to keep it up:

UtS: Excuse me, your holiness?

PF: Zzzz. Ungh. [clanking of empty altar wine bottles]

UtS: Pontiff?

PF: Mmmm. [opens eyes]  Ugh. What? [belches] Hey, can you hand me that bucket? [vomits] Wow, that feels better. So, you the Sloth guy?

UtS: Yes, your holiness. We were wonder–

PF: [vomits again] Oooh. Sorry, I think that’s it. Go on.

UtS: We were wondering if your–

PF: [vomits again] Wow, this is embarrassing. Sorry. Promise that was it. Nothing left. Go on.

UtS: We were wondering if your absence from last night’s concert was a signal to your administration that you’ve chosen to avoid the high life of the Papacy.

PF: That was LAST NIGHT?!? Oh man, they’re gonna be pissed.