Jealousy, Writing, And The Mosh Pit

All right, I just blogged day before yesterday, so this must be some kind of record. I was totally serious when I wrote about my fear of blogging, that I was going to start blogging more. Today, I want to talk about never giving up.

I have friends who are authors who, on rough days, will call me up and tell me they feel like quitting. We both know that they won’t really quit, what they really need is a pep talk.

Sometimes all a person needs is someone to tell them that they are good enough and that they will succeed at whatever it is they want in life. This is the time that we talk about strategies and writing (or art or music, whatever it is that they are doing) we revamp the urge to continue on.

This happened to me today.

And it never happens to me.

Seriously, I never feel like I want to quit. Sometimes when sales are down I have a moment of depression or anger, but usually this only lasts about a minute and then I come back ten times harder in my mission to achieve my goals.

Today, I thought about how it would be if I just went back to the way things were. I’ve always written, but I didn’t have to face this crazy, competitive world of writers. I could still write, but at least I wouldn’t have all the other stress that goes along with it … but, I would also be broke again. Lol

Here is the thing. I got jealous.

The goal of most fiction writers is to have people read your book, love it, and to become the next Anne Rice or Stephen king, (or whoever you pick that you would put in place of those names)

The reality is that most authors never even come close to making a living off of their books.

But times are changing with the rise of ebooks and ebook publishing. Great big heavenly gates opened up when ebooks took storm. We authors were given this chance to make it, finally!

When I finished my first book and published it in 2010, the amount of authors selling ebooks was not nearly what it is now. Now, there is a vast sea of authors all scrambling to fight their way to the top, like the mosh pit at metal concert. “Let me up on that stage dammit!”

You wouldn’t believe the things that authors actually do to each other now. Crazy. When I first started this career, we HELPED each other. We shared, we pimped, we did everything we possibly could to help others to get their name seen, because we were comrades, brothers and sisters in fiction who just wanted the same thing. This reciprocal behavior is not nearly as common now as a couple years ago.

The bigger the ebook world grew, the more authors sprouted up, which is totally fine, but it seems that the more authors who publish and join the community of writers, the meaner people get. I’m literally shocked at some of the things that happen. I won’t even get into publishing companies and other such things associated with writing today, but the point of this is to explain why I feel the way I do.

I know that authors work hard. I know we all do. But, the fact is that I work my ass off. I have five kids, I market, I take care of my house, my husband, my yard, and somewhere in there I write. I don’t know about blood, but I put sweat and tears into my work, for sure. I respect other authors A LOT, so please, please don’t take this the wrong way.

It’s just … so hard when I come within mere inches of my goal, seriously, just barely making it and I’m about to climb up on the stage I am shoved backward and instead of the crowd catching me and surfing me to safety, I hit the floor.

There are a lot of authors making it right now, a lot of indie authors that I know, and I am sooooo proud of them and happy for them. But today, I was jealous of them.

I thought to myself ‘I’m never going to make it, maybe this just isn’t in the cards for me.’ I’m opening up here, and letting you guys see this for a reason now, so don’t jump to conclusions till you read it all. Jealousy is a terrible thing. Today, I let myself fall into the trap that so many do. Usually, when I see that one of us has gotten picked up by a publisher or a movie deal, I’m excited for them, happy they achieved it, and also it makes me know that it IS attainable, that I can do it. It reinforces that I just need to keep doing what I’m doing and it will happen.

Later, after the green eyed monster has left me, I feel awful, because I let myself turn into one of the meanies that I described earlier. How in the hell could I let that happen? I of all people, know that I have no place to feel that way. I know authors who work just as hard, or harder than me and they haven’t had nearly the success they deserve, they have also told me that they wish their books did as well as mine. (Which, for the record, was luck they did so well) so I have absolutely nothing to be jealous about, nothing that should make me feel the way I did today, anyway.

My point here is that we all have days we feel jealous. We all have days we want to quit. We all have days when we are fighting through the pit to rise up onto the stage with the stars and we all will make it there if we try. It is all right to feel like this occasionally, but use it … use it to drive yourself harder instead of wanting to quit.

I am more depressed now, because of how I felt today, than I was to begin with. I’m telling you this because I’m embarrassed of my selfishness and I suppose that this is a little like confession for me because it has always, always been my motto to help others climb their way up with me. I want the stage, but I’ll turn around and grab the persons hand behind me and help them up too. I didn’t feel that way today, today the only thing I could think was ‘why not me?’ And I am ashamed of that.

I know you authors have felt the same way. No secrets here, I just told you mine. So, just remember that it’s normal to feel that way, but don’t let it last long. Take that “why me” feeling and use it to become something great, but remember that those who are making it are working just as hard as you, they are earning their way with blood, sweat and tears, just like you.

We are all in this together!