Amazon Reviews: An Amorality Tale

As you can see, Amazon Reviews is a service that will give you ten online reviews for your book for a mere $15. (And it's hardly the only such service out there!) This led me to imagine a scene in a bookstore...




Setting: A neighborhood bookstore,
where author Roman Bildung has finished speaking about his autobiography, A Childhood in Short Pants, to a small
but appreciative audience. As the folding chairs are cleared away, a woman
approaches Bildung and introduces herself as “Prudence.”




Bildung: It’s good to meet you,
Prudence! Thank you for coming out this evening; I really appreciate it. [He
opens a copy of Short Pants and picks
up a pen.]




Prudence: No, no, thank YOU. Your book
talk was really quite enlightening! The world would be a better place if more
people knew of your work.




Bildung (chuckling, flattered):
Perhaps so, perhaps so. Was there a particular aspect of my talk that spoke to
you? Perhaps the section where I talked about the challenges of being nicknamed
“Little Lord Fauntleroy”?




Prudence: I must apologize. Strictly
speaking, I didn’t HEAR your presentation. But as I came in the store just now,
I overheard people speaking very enthusiastically about it!




Bildung (setting pen down): I see.




Prudence: And based on what I heard,
I’m quite happy to write a flattering review of your book talk. Then I could
post it online at places like the IDEA—




Bildung: What’s the IDEA?




Prudence: The Internet Database of
Eminent Authors, of course.




Bildung (coldly): But you didn’t even
see my presentation!




Prudence: I hardly think we should let
that invalidate your stirring work with A
Life in Short Pantaloons. It’s like the old saying: “If an author talks about
his book but nobody hears him, does he make a sound?”




Bildung: Pants. It’s A Life in Short Pants.




Prudence. Exactly! You know, you and I
have a lot in common. For instance, like you, I need to maximize my income
stream. [Prudence hands Bildung an itemized sheet.] Here’s a breakdown of my various
services.




Bildung (reading): You charge fifty
dollars for a one-star review of any rival’s book? And $85 for a five-star book
review of one of my titles?! [He clenches his jaw angrily.] The integrity of
online reviews is entirely dependent on the goodwill and honesty of readers.
What you’re proposing is fraudulent, scurrilous, and unprincipled.




Prudence: I agree! It’s just so sad that
measures like this are needed. But with hordes of “self-published” hacks clamoring
for attention, a REAL writer like you has to be resourceful to have his voice
heard. So let me sing the praises of your lyrical and gripping memoir, A Short Life in Pants. As you can see on
this info sheet, your sales figures will jump—




Bildung (pounding the table): No self-respecting
person would engage in this—this sock-puppetry.
Notable authors have even signed petitions denouncing this very practice!




Prudence: I know—most of those writers
are my clients. [Bildung’s jaw drops.] Come on, when was the last time that
you—or ANY “real” reader—wrote a five-star book review on Amazon?




Bildung (sarcastically): I see. And so
the only solution is to play a game of charades.




Prudence: Naturally, I wish things
were different. But for the moment, we’re forced to deal with this marketplace
until a better, more honest system comes along.




Bildung: And don’t your clients worry
about getting caught?




Prudence (proudly): That has never
happened—UNLESS a client requests that the fake reviews he’s purchased be
revealed as a sham.




Bildung (rubbing his face tiredly): I
give up. Tell me, why would a writer do that?




Prudence: The media coverage is just tremendous! After being exposed, my
client tearfully chalks the matter up to “a lapse in judgment”—and watches his
name recognition skyrocket!




Bildung (muttering): I must admit, the
success of “Fifty Ways to Wear Short Pants” has stolen some of my book’s
thunder . . .




Bookstore
Customer (gushing):
Pardon me, Mr. Bildung! I just have to share with you that EVERYONE in my book
club is getting your new—




Bildung: Just give us a moment,
ma’am! [He reaches for his wallet.] I’m assuming credit cards are okay?




Prudence: Of course!

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