The Story of Josh Part Forty Eight: Diet Mother Fucker … Did I stutter?!?!
Warning we will be discussing nasty bodily functions in this one. Functions that everyone has unless they are crippled or genetic freaks … if you did not have them you would be dead. So grow the fuck up.
No “Therapist” today, this is an update on how things have been going for me physically. It has been three weeks since all of this started and the changes have been unexpected and a little bizarre.
Three Mondays ago I gave up all pop (soda for you fucking heathens from foreign lands … like Montana) and Fast Food. The fast food thing is a bigger deal than any of you may realize. I have been eating he equivalent of six to nine full fast food meals every week for the last three years … yeah not even fucking kidding. Fast food was where I for my escape and my pleasure when I was in the depths of depression and even after I was feeling so much better I found it impossible to stop eating. Pop has been less difficult because I have been substituting juices and iced tea for coca-cola … but man I would beat a crippled foreigner (like someone from Montana) for a warm New Coke.
Ugh.
I have been having dreams of whoppers and coke. And by Whoppers and Coke I do not mean cock and white powder I mean I have been having realistic dreams of Ice Cold Coca-Cola and steaming hot fresh Burger King Whoppers with sizzling Onion Rings.
I have a food boner just writing that.
But things have not been all self denial and suffering. My poop is more pleasant. That’s right folks you read that right, my poop has been less smelly and easier to pass. Also my poop has been a fuck of a lot more regular. I am still being affected by the side effects of my medications but now I know when it’s the meds and when it’s not as opposed to ALWAYS having fucked up bowels. Gas has also been less of a problem. I have been living on Gas-X for quite a while and it has been weeks since I have taken one of the little green gels.
I also smell better.
Yes kids that’s right, no salty meat sweats for me. Or at least less and less of the sweats.
And then there is sex. My doctor has been telling me for awhile now that changing my diet would help with the erectile dysfunction. I did not believe her but it appears to be true. I am not saying that I have become a “Sexual Tyrannosaurus” or anything but there has definitely been a fuck of a lot more activity below the belt … especially when I wake up.
So yeah it hit me the other day that this is a diet.
Not sure how to feel about that. When I was 12 years old my mother enrolled me in the diet workshop (after my begging) and I lost weight. But then depression and lack of drive killed it. After that first major dieting attempt I have done literally dozens of diets. All of them have been abject fucking failures. Now I have stumbled into a diet without trying … not sure how it will turn out. I have made three aborted entries into the McDonalds parking lot in the last three weeks and I have stared at bottles of pop and fought myself not to drink them.
This is hard people … really fucking hard.
And not in the good way.
No “Therapist” today, this is an update on how things have been going for me physically. It has been three weeks since all of this started and the changes have been unexpected and a little bizarre.
Three Mondays ago I gave up all pop (soda for you fucking heathens from foreign lands … like Montana) and Fast Food. The fast food thing is a bigger deal than any of you may realize. I have been eating he equivalent of six to nine full fast food meals every week for the last three years … yeah not even fucking kidding. Fast food was where I for my escape and my pleasure when I was in the depths of depression and even after I was feeling so much better I found it impossible to stop eating. Pop has been less difficult because I have been substituting juices and iced tea for coca-cola … but man I would beat a crippled foreigner (like someone from Montana) for a warm New Coke.
Ugh.
I have been having dreams of whoppers and coke. And by Whoppers and Coke I do not mean cock and white powder I mean I have been having realistic dreams of Ice Cold Coca-Cola and steaming hot fresh Burger King Whoppers with sizzling Onion Rings.
I have a food boner just writing that.
But things have not been all self denial and suffering. My poop is more pleasant. That’s right folks you read that right, my poop has been less smelly and easier to pass. Also my poop has been a fuck of a lot more regular. I am still being affected by the side effects of my medications but now I know when it’s the meds and when it’s not as opposed to ALWAYS having fucked up bowels. Gas has also been less of a problem. I have been living on Gas-X for quite a while and it has been weeks since I have taken one of the little green gels.
I also smell better.
Yes kids that’s right, no salty meat sweats for me. Or at least less and less of the sweats.
And then there is sex. My doctor has been telling me for awhile now that changing my diet would help with the erectile dysfunction. I did not believe her but it appears to be true. I am not saying that I have become a “Sexual Tyrannosaurus” or anything but there has definitely been a fuck of a lot more activity below the belt … especially when I wake up.
So yeah it hit me the other day that this is a diet.
Not sure how to feel about that. When I was 12 years old my mother enrolled me in the diet workshop (after my begging) and I lost weight. But then depression and lack of drive killed it. After that first major dieting attempt I have done literally dozens of diets. All of them have been abject fucking failures. Now I have stumbled into a diet without trying … not sure how it will turn out. I have made three aborted entries into the McDonalds parking lot in the last three weeks and I have stared at bottles of pop and fought myself not to drink them.
This is hard people … really fucking hard.
And not in the good way.
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