The Continuing Adventures of What’s-His-Name Boy

(Looking for a career change? Keep looking!)

Hey, guys! Ready for a little good news in this numb economy? I think I’ve found the perfect gig – if you’re the right guy. All it requires is low expectations. And a touch of altruism.

And a little spandex.

Now, since I mentioned job requirements like low self-esteem, no recognition, and stretch tights, I know what you guys are thinking: you’re thinking, “Hey, I can get treated like that at my current job; plus, I don’t have to relocate.”

You’re right. And it’s partly my fault. I walked into the discussion; I brought up soul-slaying workweeks, sorry prospects, and Speedos. So naturally you’re hoping I’ve led you out of the wilderness, and put you on the path to pluck a career plum like one of these dream jobs:

Stand-in actor for an off-season Gilbert & Sullivan festival in south Georgia
A national security position as Joe Biden’s stunt double
Teaching Assistant who spends his life standing next to a flip chart waiting for somebody to say, “Next, please.”

But no – this job offer’s a bit different. Here’s the scoop:

There’s a guy on Craig’s List looking for a superhero sidekick.

For those of you who still participate in eighteenth-century activities, like reading books or going outside, Craig’s List is an online Classified Ads service, where people like you, me, and Rasputin the mad monk can announce they want to sell something, or buy something, or do something to something during something, while dressed as something and using or chanting something, and to do that something with like-minded people, though we’re not ruling out animals, hearth deities, or entirely different species.

Every month, according to the internet, people post somewhere north of sixty million new classified ads at Craig’s List, of which at least eleven have been spellchecked. In support of those sixty million posts, Craig’s List admits to funding a staff of about thirty people, a clerk-to-customer ratio approximately the same as is found in your average Department of Motor Vehicles.

Personally, I’ve never used Craig’s List, but I did spend nearly five minutes researching it, because when it comes to journalistic integrity, that’s the kind of demanding feral animal I am. In a nutshell, Craig’s List is like that other online mart, eBay, but without all those pesky, time-consuming design details…you know: color, graphics, page layout, navigation, spell-checking, etc. Spending time at Craig’s List is like going out on a dinner date, but without all the bother of putting on clean clothes, or bathing.

And, given that it’s a bona fide superhero advertising for a sidekick, the submission guidelines appear to be fairly generous, too.

In his “Sidekick Wanted” ad, the superhero chose to remain anonymous, possibly due to having a secret identity, or a statute of limitations. But he did admit that he’s focusing his crime-fighting efforts on the city of Atlanta, which is kind of silly, because there are no people left in Atlanta to commit any crimes. Atlanta, in case you haven’t tried to drive through (or around) it lately, is Earth’s metropolis populated entirely by cars, trains, and planes. Seventeen trillion vehicles, all just endlessly driving around three unholy, inbred interstates, occasionally exiting onto one of 400,000 streets, all named ‘Peachtree.’

The ad begins like this: “I am looking for a Sidekick that will help me fight crime around the city.”

There it is. Not a hint of sarcasm, no whining, no hubris … just another overworked guy in a costume, looking for a boy wonder, and the faster I move away from that joke, the better.

Captain Nameless continues:

Applicants should be skilled in any of the following:

Kung Fu / Karate / Taekwondo
Hapkido
Wing Chun
Wrestling or WWF
Savate
Capoeira
Brazilian Jiu-jitsu

Note the interesting distinction between ‘wrestling’ and ‘World Wrestling Federation.’ You gotta admire a purist. I mean, c’mon – there’s wrestling, and then there’s TV wrestling. I’d say more, but I don’t remember how to spell ‘wrasslin.’

(To be fair – when our superhero mentioned the WWF, he might have been referring to the World Wildlife Fund. For all I know, there’s a huge market in Atlanta for cage-match tag-team panda mud wrestling.)

It seems that, at this point, Captain Neo was beginning to grow a bit desperate for job requirements. For instance, Capoeira is a Brazilian martial art that combines elements of dance and music (music provided by that rave 80s band, Wing Chun, famous for their neo-Hebrew hit, ‘Dan Saul Days’). I guess that’s where the spandex comes in … kind of a cultural cross between ‘West Side Story’ and ‘Omen XII: Damien Goes to Congress.’ Hapkido, as best as I can tell, is the name of a Korean mid-sized sedan, while Savate is a type of mulled wine, popular among middle-aged white guys who sell vinyl siding insurance and vacation in Tijuana.)

But the Human Shield is prepared to compromise. If his Trusty Sidekick applicants prove to be short-timers in the primary sidekick skillsets, they might still qualify via their expertise in weaponry such as:

Fencing / Archery
Kendo / Jukendo
Sword fighting
Crowbar

Yes, he did. Yes, he said ‘crowbar.’ (see ‘statute of limitations’)

And now for the tricky bit – the hands-on experience:

Also Please have up to 3 years of experience in

Warrior Battle
FBI / CIA / Military
Ninja / Samarai
Footclan
Shadowloo
Monk
Police / SWAT
etc.

Can’t you just hear that conversation?

Superhero: So, tell me more about your work as a monk.

Candidate: Are you interested more in the part where I butchered Oriental civilians, or the chanting, celibate part?

Superhero: Either way. What the hey, it’s Friday.

Candidate: Actually, I mostly spent my time darning stretch tights.

Superhero: Fair enough. How’s your etc.?

According to the internet, by the way, ‘Footclan’ is misspelled. But I suppose that’s a niggling criticism for me to make, given that the correctly-spelled ‘Foot Clan’ is nothing more than a fictional martial arts horde in the fictional Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles universe.

In case you’re not a steady consumer of cartoons featuring non-existent reptiles that run around exhibiting Far Eastern military tactics, the Foot Clan are the main antagonists of the Mutant Ninja Turtles (which means there are others). The Foot Clan are usually led by The Shredder (which means there are others). But what if The Shredder wants a long weekend? Maybe The Shredder should advertise on Craig’s List.

So, heads up, candidates! To make an impression in a your average super-sidekick interview, what you really need is to fake three years’ experience fighting make-believe cartoon animals, with an imaginary army, on a planet that doesn’t exist.

Might be easier to just get a job in civil service.

But what about the run-of-the-mill interview stuff? What about those standard, American superhero job-posting must-haves? You know the list:

Candidate will have a good work ethic
Fights crime as a team, or in an unsupervised environment
Consistently defeats evil on time and under budget
The ideal candidate will respond professionally to cross-departmental responsibilities, shifting deadlines, and exposure to kryptonite
Proficiency with Microsoft Office

Now for the bad news. As I mentioned at the beginning, making the world safe from evildoers doesn’t pay very well (at least not in Atlanta). And somebody’s gotta pay for all those tights. Also sprach Captain Lonely:

Compensation: Gratitude and self-accomplishment is the only form of payment.

So, if you’re in it for the money, get out of it. Go find another career, or stick with the one you’re on. Sure, self-accomplishment is a nice thing … when you’re six. But later, when you’re all growed up and, of an evening, you try to fund your Chinese carry-out by swiping self-accomplishment instead of a bank card, it’s gonna be a long, cold, no-shrimp-fried-rice evening.

Finally, just for kicks, I checked out a few more Craig’s List listings. And when it comes to good prospects in bad times, it looks like Atlanta is the place to be. Witness:

An Atlanta-based chap at Craig’s List is looking to hire ‘escorts.’ Candidates should send bikini and nude photos, contact #, and a list of any ‘limitations.’ Candidates should be sexy, curvy and have a ‘good work ethic.’

No mention of any specific Microsoft Office skills.