Hello! I Must Be Going.

Hey, We’re Two, Too! The Continuing Adventures of What’s-H...

Hello! I Must Be Going.

(Banter that only a brother could love. A Marx Brother.)

I don’t know if you looked in on the lone 2012 Vice Presidential debate, but it was something to see…especially if you’re a fan of watching unbalanced people in positions of authority who look like the Cheshire Cat and act like the Joker.

And, c’mon – be honest. Who isn’t a fan of that?

It wasn’t so much a debate as it was a drive-by; fortunately, Paul Ryan, the national politics newcomer, managed to walk away from the accident.

Basically, Ryan got gang-debated.

Paul Ryan’s demeanor was that of a younger man trying to be polite in the presence of his elders, albeit an elder who’d snagged the keys to the nurses’ station and then spent the afternoon nipping at the nitrous oxide.

For his part, Joe Biden spent the evening giggling like Bram Stoker’s Renfield at a spider buffet. And when he wasn’t snickering, he was wailing at the skies like some long-suffering relative of George Costanza, or blinding the hapless audience with some horrid reflective device embedded in his mouth.

(Defense analysts have since confirmed that the child-frightening wall of white was either Biden’s eight over-polished incisors, or else the Pentagon’s Psy-Ops group was testing a new citizen-blinding weapon. As someone online put it, “Joe Biden’s teeth were so white that they’re voting for Mitt Romney.”)

And when Joe wasn’t using parts of his face as a lethal weapon, he was interrupting – or interrupting the moderator’s interrupting.

At one point during the debate debacle – and this was a first in rhetorical history – Joe Biden actually interrupted himself.

The moderator, a gaunt lady named Martha, who has more ties to the Obama administration than the Indonesian Society for the Promotion of Canine-Flavored Hot Pockets, quickly proved to be out of her league. Oh, she managed the debate…in the same sense that Margaret Dumont used to ‘manage’ the Marx Brothers.

But I’ll let you decide how it went. Here’s the actual, minute-by-minute transcript of the debate.

As far as you know.

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Martha: Ladies and gentlemen, and Republicans, welcome to the first and only Vice-Presidential debate. My name is Martha, and I’ll be your moderator tonight for this debate between former Senator and current Vice President Joe Biden, one of the finest people I know, and that shifty-looking guy next to him. I’ve been selec…

Biden: Hey, who ya gonna believe? HA HA HA HA HA.

Martha: Not yet, Joe.

Biden: Pick up the pace, Toots.

Martha: (unintelligible comment) I’ve been selected to moderate tonight’s event due to my professional objectivity and my off-the-clock isolation from politics, as evidenced by the fact that Barack Obama was a guest at my wedding, Barack Obama appointed my husband to head the FCC, and I personally contributed to former Senator and current Vice President Joe Biden’s fabulous dental work.

Biden: Thanks, babe. And hello to all my friends here in the great state of Florida.

Martha: West Virginia.

Biden: Whatever.

Ryan: Martha, may I say ‘thank you’ for agreeing to modera…

Martha: In a minute, Todd.

Ryan: It’s Paul.

Martha: Whatever.

Biden: Let me tell you good folks something. I am six-foot eight, and that’s a fact. That. Is. A. Fact.

Martha: In the interest of bipartisan fair play, we’ll let that bizarre, baseless statement go completely unchallenged, which gives our audience some idea of what the evening’s gonna be like. And with that, let’s get started. Our first category is ‘photographs of kittens buried under volcanic lava.’

Biden: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Ryan: That’s horrible. But I’m not sure I understand how that’s relev…

Martha: Time’s up, Todd. Your rebuttal, former Senator and Vice President Joe Biden?

Biden: My friend knows very well where I stand on the torched kitten issue. Why, just last week, a modified report suggested that my friend’s budget will slash 800 millio…600 mi…1.7 trill…five dollars from milk subsidies for Kitty Welfare. (raises both arms, apparently in supplication to the klieg lights) What in the world were they thinking?

Ryan: I have to take issue with those numbers. Even the nonpartisan analysis by severa…

Martha: Time’s up, Bill.

Ryan: Paul.

Martha: Whatever.

Biden: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Ryan: Will you please let me say something?

Biden: I hardly think so.

Martha: (rim shot)

Ghost of Groucho Marx: Hey, that’s my line!

Biden: Martha, I think I love you.

Martha: I don’t think you’d love me if I were poor.

Biden: Well, I might, but I’d keep my mouth shut.

Ryan: (rim shot)

Groucho’s Ghost: HEY!

Martha: We’ll take a short break, and when we come back, I’ll explain why I appear to have no bones in my face.

(Commercial)

Martha: Welcome back. Let’s move now to a topi…

Biden: Ever been to a biker bar, Toots?

Martha: Not now, Joe.

Biden: HA HA HA HA.

Ryan: Does he always grin like that?

Martha: Mind your tone, rookie.

Biden: Besides, Syria is five times larger geographically than Libya.

Ryan: Huh?

Biden: That. Is. A. Fact.

Groucho: Hey, who ya gonna believe? Me or your own eyes?

Ryan: Look, with all due respe…

Martha: Anybody seen my cheeks?

Biden: I hope I’ll get equal time.

Ryan: (muttering) I hope you get hard time.

Martha: Carl, I’m not gonna warn you again. One more remark like that, and I’ll turn this debate right around!

Ryan: It’s not Carl, it’s Todd! No, I mean, Paul! It’s Paul!

Groucho: What, you didn’t like Todd?

Chico: (rim shot)

Martha: Let’s move now to a topic on the minds of all voters: foreign affairs. And we’ll begin this round with…uh…with the guy sitting on my right. Carl, is it?

Ryan: (sigh) Todd.

Martha: Whatever.

Groucho: Atta boy.

Biden: HA HA HA HA HA.

Martha: Carl, please list all of the world’s leaders, alphabetically by height.

Ryan: Well, there’s Abu Almat, and Adam Prkysnk, and Ari Pipi Ngobo, Bryn Enho…

Biden: HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Ryan: WHAT? What is so funny?

Biden: (giggling) He said ‘pee pee.’

Groucho: I’m not getting any straight lines here.

Martha: Get out of the gutter, Todd.

Ryan: Yes, sir or ma’am.

Groucho: Atta boy.

Martha: Okay. Based on that stumbling response to a simple question about world leaders, I’m certain the entire American voting public realizes just how poorly this Todd guy would do, were he to assume the role of Vice President, especially a Vice President with semaphore-ready teeth and hair implants.

Biden: (giggling) He said ‘pee pee.’

Chico: He’s got a point, this teeth guy.

Biden: Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.

Groucho: Hey!

Martha: Now, in the spirit of fairness, let’s quiz former Senator and Vice President Joe Biden. Sir, how many letters are there in the word ‘jobs?’

Biden: Three.

Audience: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Ryan: (muttering) How many syllables in ‘moron?’

Chico: Good one.

Martha: That was uncalled for, Burl.

Ryan: Oh, you should hear what I wanted to say.

Biden: And this administration is prepared to go the gates of hell to do it.

Everyone on the planet: Huh?

Biden: Oh, wait. I read the wrong canned response.

Harpo: …

Groucho: I know. This guy’s too dumb for words.

Chico: Too dumb? He may be three dumb.