The Second Second Coming
(Even from deep space, this year’s Democratic convention was weird)
“Artxsnkl?”
No reply. The long dark starship was silent. Jmkorgpld raised his voices.
“ARTXSNKL?”
“Yo!”
“I just pinged another one.”
“Can you classify it?”
“Not yet. But I got an aura sample.”
“Sweet. Galactigoogle it, and let me know. I’ll be in the regenerator.”
Jmkorgpld swiped his desk clean, strapped into his work spine, and jacked in to the computer console. The wavy little logo blinked on, and then the console announced, “Hello, Jmkorgpld. Thank you for using Windows 7.6579 x 10.5E8 (Service Pack 2). Please wait.” A surge, and the wall lights dimmed and pulsed. As usual.
“Unbelievable,” carped Jmkorgpld to himself. “We can bend time and space, but we still can’t figure out how to run a torsotop and the regenerator at the same time. If we had any peer species, I’d be embarrassed.”
Jmkorgpld attached two leads, knuckled the ‘Analyze’ glyph, and watched his data manifest. After an irritating light-dimming second, the screen spoke.
“Based on my analysis of your input aura, you appear to have picked up a modulated signal from a seriously remote source: the planet Terra, which is, like, 3 bus transfers from here. The aura’s abnormally high emotion signature matches my previously stored patterns of something Terrans call a ‘DNC convention’.”
Jmkorgpld clapped two of his hands. A Terran political convention! What a find! They’d waited four light years since the last one!
Democrat politics. All the religious fervor of a Southern tent revival, but without the deity. A current-day Caligula festival, plus funny hats.
” Artxsnkl, I got a hit. It’s Terra again.”
“Terra. Why does that name sound familiar? Isn’t that the planet that still uses politics?”
“They were. Now they’ve switched to something called ‘international martial law.’”
“Well, they never were very bright, were they. Got a clean, steady signal?”
“You thinking what I’m thinking?”
“Madcap Mantra Movie night!”
“All the classic comedians! John Kerry! Jesse Jackson! “
“Maxine Waters! Joe Biden!”
“Groucho Marx!”
“You wish. Okay, cue it up, Jmkorgpld.”
(And now, thanks to the miracle of time compaction, combined with warp travel and a total disregard for facts, we bring you a bit of what Jmkorgpld and Artxsnkl saw…)
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The sole purpose of the 2012 DNC convention was to re-anoint their Main Man, the main event, Barack Barry Hussein Soetoro Obama, for a second term as President. And prior to the convention’s kickoff, the convention center’s exterior had been ornamented by a 16-foot-tall sand sculpture of the main event, Barack Barry Hussein Soetoro Obama.
The man erected a statue to himself.
Unfortunately, rainstorms damaged part of the DNC’s little Mount Rushmorelet. At first glance, it appeared the rain had washed away Obama’s right side. But then somebody pointed out that Obama doesn’t have a right side.
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Despite threatening to overwhelm the convention with 10,000 confused smelly people holding misspelled signs, the Occupy movement slouched into town with about 800 people wearing a total of $7 in retro clothing. Unfortunately, nobody had remembered to bring any food, so naturally the Occupiers started demanding free food from the city. The city refused, but they did give the Occupiers a few pairs of John Kerry’s flip-flops.
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Facing huge drops in attendance, convention planners reneged on their rental of an entire football stadium, gave away buckets of event tickets, and ultimately had to bus in college students and entire black church congregations, and a container of raw meat for the Occupiers. A reporter noticed an empty “Department of Corrections” bus idling outside the convention hall, but given the week’s list of guest speakers, the bus could’ve been dropping off or picking up.
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Nancy Pelosi was not the first to speak on-stage; she was, however, the only speaker to refer to Barack Barry Hussein Soetoro Obama as “that brilliant hunk of man-flesh.” She went on to applaud some obscure, unread Health Care law that provides free contraception to coeds by taxing the sale of your home.
According to her, Barack Barry Hussein Soetoro Obama is Earth’s only hope to stop those one-eyed slavering Republicans and their godless attempts to curb women’s reproductive rights. (Republicans deny this charge, saying a woman can reproduct all over the place if they so choose – just bring your checkbook.)
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Speaking of ‘godless,’ the Democrats got badly scalded after somebody removed the words ‘God’ and ‘Jerusalem’ from the party’s official platform. So, in a bold bipartisan gesture, the delegates consulted some polls and then voted to amend their platform by inserting the words ‘Santa’ and ‘Wolfie’s Deli.’
(There was an unsubstantiated rumor that Republicans had floated a fake poll, showing that a vital voting bloc, single hermaphroditic neo-Hispanic mothers with lactose issues and a mortgage-backed Pell Grant, were in favor of Nancy Pelosi wearing spandex leggings and a Hannibal Lector mask. Within minutes, another floor vote was called, and Pelosi was observed trying to pick out a matching pair of shoes.)
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Everyone looked forward to the “Obama’s not the pig I said he was four years ago” speech by Bill Clinton, though, like Pelosi’s “bill,” nobody knew what was in it. But there was even more buzz after the speech, when the crowd learned that Bill had ordered a pizza.
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The aforementioned coed Sandra Fluke, that contraceptive Gatling gun, apparently found a sex-free moment to speak to the crowd. After the crowd learned more about her, several people volunteered to pay for her birth control.
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The parade of professional policy experts continued, including those crack global economists and time-proven business experts, Scarlett Johansson and Eva Longoria, both of whom set personal records for remaining dressed in public.
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At one point, John “Chin Plow” Kerry showed up and – honestly – accused somebody of flip-flopping. Even the Democrats snickered at that one. Kerry spoke for a few minutes and then surrendered to the band.
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Near the end of the week, there must have been a security glitch at the DNC convention, because Nancy Pelosi managed to get back on stage during a smarmy ‘American Dream’ video, pretty much confirming the media’s mounting concern that this whole week was rapidly spinning out of control. After a few minutes of blinking like a caffeine-crazed ferret, the former Speaker actually said, “Wasn’t that American Dream story the story of America?”
Pelosi then caromed back to health care. She began boasting that the new law, which weighs more than most hospitals, would keep women from being a pre-existing condition, whatever that meant. At that point, she was tackled, dragged off-stage, and fed to the Occupiers.
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Finally, on Thursday night, the crowd was treated to a short psychotic episode by Joe Biden, aka The Incredible Shrinking Asset. Joe’s job was to serve as the warm-up act for his boss and, if possible, not disclose the location of any nuclear silos. Not surprisingly, therefore, Biden leaked most of Obama’s upcoming speech, resulting in about half of America switching to another channel. After all, once Joe had jumped the shark, nobody needed to actually watch the speech, so people were free to go take care of more important chores, like folding laundry, or dusting your velvet paintings of Debbie Wasserman Schultz playing poker.
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About ninety minutes into his ten-minute speech, Biden’s allure was spent, not to mention his opportunities to say “literally” when he meant “virtually.” Michelle Obama had this look on her face like she’d swallowed too much wasabi. Finally, during a particularly emotional clause, Biden poked himself in the chest one too many times, and a disgruntled segment of his hair follicles walked off the stage in protest.
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Backstage, the week’s star speaker, the main event, had been impatiently pacing the wings. Across the room, Obama’s ego watched the follicles storm off. It whispered to its host, and Obama spun around. Mistaking the rug remnant for all of his Vice President, the main event made his move.
President Obama took the stage. The straggling die-hards in the remaining crowd tore their garments, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews saw visions, and 241 overweight women in big hats went into spontaneous psychological labor.
Barack Barry Hussein Soetoro Obama began to speak. And after a few minutes, Jmkorgpld paused the spaceship’s feed.
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“Artxsnkl , this is practically the same speech he made four years ago!”
“Well, why not? It worked then.”
“Point taken. Humans. Oy.”
“Any dip left?”
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