How To Run a Planet

(America faces new challenges…and that’s just our leadership)

Sometime during this last summer, some guy in California released a movie clip on You-Tube.

And immediately, all over the planet, nothing happened.

True, this little-known film clip had promising potential to be a trouble-maker. The clip contained ‘religious’ references that might offend people in countries where they have sand sidewalks. Also, the director of the movie had spent the bulk of his cinematic career churning out smutty gems like “The Sexpert” and “Young Lady Chatterley” (I and II).

But the point is, nothing happened. For months, nobody, anywhere, cared. Life went on. In America, people rationed their TV time between watching football teams out-injury each other, watching presidential candidates out-insult each other, and watching a 6-year-old kid named Honey Boo Boo smoke fake cigarettes and drink real Red Bull.

And then, in September, an anti-America anger volcano erupted in practically every country where people wear open-toed shoes and eat chickpeas.

So, naturally, the White House issued a statement, lamenting the riots that had somehow manifested in over a dozen countries at the same time, and blaming the sudden violence on that film clip from last summer.

And then the President flew to Las Vegas to attend a re-election fundraiser.

Then we got word that rioters in Tripoli had destroyed a Hardee’s, a move that threatened to set the Libyan economy back by several years. (An adjoining Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise was also attacked, but the rioters were foiled after the KFC’s clever night manager deployed a canola oil slick.)

So, naturally, the White House issued a statement, lamenting the deaths of thousands of defenseless Thickburgers, and blaming the fast food massacre on Paul Ryan’s budget.

And then the President flew to New York to attend a re-election fundraiser.

Now, to be fair, it’s not easy being President of the USA, and Commander-in-Chief, and Leader of the Free World, and to still maintain a golf handicap of 18. Plus, when you finally do get a few minutes at home alone, there’s all those armed men walking around on your roof.

Think you could do better?

Well, let’s find out. We’ve put together a little quiz, to see how President You would stack up against the guy that’s there now.

Let’s see how you would handle the pressure of juggling all things Presidential: things like projecting hope, deflecting blame, projecting your chin, biting your lip, and displaying your profile at the same time, pinching your thumb and forefinger together and making little up-and-down pointy gestures, and trying to keep a straight face while giving an acceptance speech in front of a bunch of fake Greek columns.

Ready? Let’s begin.

~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~

What do you call an eruption of self-destructive mob violence in an Arab nation?

A predictable reaction to decades of desperation
A  culturally-fed alternative translation of religious texts
Thursday

~-~-~-~-~-~

Within 72 hours of the first incident, US embassies from Africa to Indonesia were under attack. As America’s Fundraiser-in-Chief, what do you blame it on?

A 3-month-old movie clip
Mitt Romney noticing that US embassies from Africa to Indonesia were under attack
Maybe not everybody has seen your Nobel Peace Prize yet

~-~-~-~-~-~

Because you’re too busy campaigning for re-election, you blow off all those pesky Daily Intelligence Briefings; instead, you just watch a short PowerPoint presentation and skim through a how-to primer (Religious Fascism for Dummies). Finally, you agree to return the Pentagon’s phone call, and the Joint Chiefs present you with a full slate of Chief Executive options. Which option will you select?

Direct military intervention
Crippling economic sanctions
A five iron

~-~-~-~-~-~

A Cairo protestor is caught on camera, showing his displeasure with America in the usual way – by stomping up and down on a sign written in German. What will be the most likely reaction from world governments?

France surrenders to the sign
Qatar purchases Cairo
Greece asks Qatar for a loan, offering to write a post-dated check
Qatar purchases Honey Boo Boo

~-~-~-~-~-~

When attempting to convince voters of your global qualifications to lead America, what will be the centerpiece in your display of competency?

Your years of familiarity with the geopolitical disciplines
Your decades of depth in the intricacies of international law
Your Al Green impersonation

~-~-~-~-~-~

Regardless of his crisis – or his historically consistent failure to manage them – the President can always blame somebody else. Any target in this list will do, but which is your favorite?

The Bush recession
The Bush tax cuts
The Bush stock market
The Bush job market
The burning bush
Bush’s Baked Beans
Bush Hog rotary cutters (single- or multi-spindle)
Kate Bush
Republicans
Earthquakes
Republican earthquakes

~-~-~-~-~-~

Congress, meanwhile, rather than face any difficult decision-making in an election year, actually voted for an increase in spending. What tactic might make them wake up to some fiscal realities?

The imposition of term limits
An intensive, long-term series of town hall meetings
Having their knees removed

~-~-~-~-~-~

During this heated political season, which of these words is now considered a racist slur?

Health care
Chicago
Niggardly
A salad bar with freshly-sliced cantaloupe
It’s a trick question. These days, every word in the English language can be considered a racist slur.

~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~

See? Being President’s tougher than you thought, huh? So don’t be too quick to blame this one.

After all, he’s only superhuman.