The Story of Josh Part Thirty Five … Everybody’s working For the Weekend Part 3: “I am the security department bitches!” or “The last time I turned pussy and ran at work.”

I arrive at the dinner but the Bearded Therapist wasn’t available for this session but he sent his best friend to talk to me. The guy is kind of surly and does not really seem like he wants to be here. But we sit down and he orders a slice of pizza and some chicken fingers. I order some apple pie with whipped cream and cinnamon.

He asks me what I want to talk about and asks me to be quick because he has to get back to the shop. I feel a little rushed but I decided that I need to talk so I start.

He seems very disinterested.

As always this is a therapy session and the doctor is in … even if he seems like a jerk.


I need to tell you right off of the bat that I am skipping a job in the sequence of employment. I worked at Meijer three different times over nine years and it’s where I met my wife. I am saving the pertinent details of that job for when I write about Karen. And no the pertinent details do not contain an anecdote of Karen and I balling in the dairy cooler … that was one of the managers and a security guard.

Say Sorry.

I quit Meijer the first time in a steaming rage of adolescent stupidity in January of 1997. After I quit and had enough time to regret it, like some men regret blowjobs from sixty year old partial amputee tranny hookers, I was broke and desperate.

Much like those same Hooker clients.

I hunted everywhere for a job with nothing to show for it in three months. We were subsisting off Karen’s income as a cashier at Meijer and NO child support from her ex-husband, it would be many years before we saw a dime from him and then it was so grudgingly. I was talking to a friend of mine and he said there was an opening where he worked. He was a security guard at the Dayton Daily News building in downtown Dayton. This was before the new facility was built in Franklin Ohio.

I had no desire to be a security guard. As I have said so many times over the course of our journey in the words of these essays I am a complete pussy when it comes to confrontation. And unfortunately confrontation is an essential aspect of security work. I did the interview and the only thing that remember about it is that Karen drove me and brought all of the kids (four at that time) and when the parking meter ran out she had to circle the block waiting for me.

She was not happy.

I got the job and it was … well it sucked. I busted my ass at that job because I was told that I was next in line to be made full time. To be honest compared to the rest of the people that worked there a donkey that was retired from Tijuana would have been a super star. While I was there I went above and beyond. I worked double and triple shifts, I came in every time I was called no matter the occasion, I did extra duties such as sitting in a van for eight hours guarding equipment in downtown Dayton, and I reported on some of my fellow employees to my bosses because there was a massive power struggle going on in the department.

Yeah … I am more than ashamed of myself for that last one. Of course I also wrecked the security van in a parking structure built in the 1950’s but those fuckers couldn’t fire me for that one.

The Dayton Daily News was the only job where I have ever flat out kissed the bosses ass. My boss was a tall piece of shit named Albert. Albert was the slimiest cocksucker that I have ever had the disservice to work with or for. He was a steroid juiced misogynistic douche bag that stuck his cock in every woman and girl that crossed his path. He was a backstabbing piece of shit that seemed to get off on setting his employees against one another. Part of me believes that the son of a bitch sat in his closet of an office and jerked off watching us on the security monitors. But at the time I believed I was one of his “Boys” and that as long as my lips stayed super glued to his cinnamon ass cheeks I could enjoy the ride.

Then I had dirt on Albert that it never even crossed my mind to use.

During the adventurous week of sitting all night in the van guarding the equipment downtown I had to relieve Albert on one of the mornings. I drove to the van and nobody was in the front seat. I walked to the back and opened the rear door.

Inside was Albert fast asleep … and Gina.

Gina worked first shift security and she was a nice girl of eighteen. Albert fawned over her and gave her whatever she wanted. But people were never upset with her about it because she seemed to be genuinely nice. First off the problem with what I walked into was Albert asleep (they had fired a guy for it less than a month before). The second thing was Gina being there (we had been told that nobody was to join us in the van).

Oh and third they were both 90% naked.

Albert freak and yelled at me to close the door. Five minutes later they drove off and I took my shift guarding the stuff. I never said anything. I never even thought to say anything. At that moment I still thought Albert was my friend and even though he was twenty years older than her I figured they were consenting adults.

Of course I was a naïve and their “relationship” was an open secret.

There was another woman working security. Her name was, and probably still is unless she did us all a favor and jumped off a bridge, Ruby. Ruby was the first black person I ever met that actively hated white people on the surface and was not afraid to let everyone know it. She was also wet for Albert and was fucking him in his office from day one working at the paper. After she found out that her mahogany stallion was fucking the little white girl she went insane. She started taking her anger out on everyone else and making an already combative and stressful workplace a hundred times worse.

All of the drama culminated with Ruby calling Gina’s father and telling him in a disguised male voice that Albert was fucking his daughter. It was never proven that she was the one that did it but when I picked up my last check she was there working and she laughed her fucking head off at me and called me the dumbest motherfucker she had ever met. But I am getting ahead, Albert decided that it was either me or another guard that had done it and tried to have us fired, but since it could not be proven Human Resources would not allow him to do it. Instead he started cutting hours and holding me to an unbelievably high standard. But I was a good worker and there was nothing he could get me on.

Then I called in sick one night.

He decided that I was not allowed to come back without a doctor’s note even though I did not have a single write up. At first I was going to fight it and set up a meeting with Albert’s boss … but then I pussied out and quit.

I had no intention of keeping that job but I was ashamed of the way I left. I never got to have that reckoning, I never got to have my say, I never got to be a man and confront that piece of shit.

I eventually got to have that experience and reclaim my manhood … but that is another story, for another day.


The therapist looks at me and nods. He tells me that he can understand why I just quit instead of dealing with the bullshit. Then he reaches across the table and offers me a hand. We shake and he tells me that he wants to hear the next part of my story.

That appears to be all of the time we have today.