Cultivating Resilience and Spiritual Autonomy While Discussing LDS Polygamy with Kids

November 7, 2025 Guest Post

By Emma Eve Marks

As a young adult decades ago, an older friend and mentor opened up to me about his ongoing wrestle to make space for faith in the prophetic call of a man who had behaved at times like a scoundrel. My new knowledge of Joseph Smith left me reeling with pain and doubt. As the holes of church history were painfully filled, I felt a sense of betrayal. The Church had intentionally withheld information, and I longed for greater transparency and a restored sense of trust.  I wished that I could have been inoculated by learning such things earlier from the institution itself. I believed at the time that this might have protected me from the state of crisis I found myself in. 

Decades later, I appreciate that the Church is moving towards greater transparency regarding the complicated and uncomfortable parts of our history. However, when I read the original D&C:132 Come Follow Me lesson for children back in January, I was alarmed. The history presented was inaccurate and incomplete, and, far worse, the message in the lesson was dangerous. Carol Lynn Pearson summed up the underlying message when she wrote, “They are teaching that our place as members will always be to follow what the Brethren tell us God says, no matter the dictates of our minds and hearts.”

To act contrary to one’s own heart and mind is an act of self-betrayal. And when the institution continues to promote the divine origin of Joseph’s polygamy despite the preponderance of evidence of the rotten fruit it yielded and continues to yield (see The Ghost of Eternal Polygamy), it is institutional betrayal, putting the reputation of the Church and its leaders above the welfare of the members.

I can understand how our culture makes it difficult to acknowledge polygamy as a mistake. Knowledge is prized above faith, and all-or-nothing thinking has often been promoted as a path towards certainty. If I have a testimony of one part of the restoration, then I am told that I should conclude that it is all true. This sort of thinking makes it extremely difficult and threatening for the Church to want to acknowledge Joseph’s mistakes and weaknesses. If we challenge the divine origin of polygamy, our intention may be to remove an ugly, out of place string from a beautiful tapestry, but we fear that pulling at it may in fact unravel the entire thing. Perhaps, this is why many members choose to simply deny Joseph’s polygamy, while the Church simultaneously chooses to staunchly defend it.

But truth will endure scrutiny, and God is not one to punish us for asking questions or pondering complicated issues. Therefore, I propose that rather than indoctrinating our children to believe polygamy must have divine origins, we instead immunize them against notions that Church leaders are perfect people who only speak the word of God. In reality, leaders, both past and present, are fallible human beings like the rest of us who sometimes make big mistakes, project their own ideas onto God, and cause great harm to others. The imperfection of our leaders necessitates that we listen to our hearts and minds as they are receptive to the spirit in order to build a personal connection with God to guide us. 

This approach may go against cultural norms, but it offers many benefits such as building spiritual resilience, putting ultimate spiritual authority back in the hands of members, and helping members become more directly God-reliant. Of course, we too will make mistakes, but God allows us to learn from them and gain further insights as we strive to live a God-directed life. Not only does this approach allow members more space to grow up and progress spiritually, it also provides room for leaders to be normal, fallible humans, capable of acknowledging mistakes and publicly modeling accountability, repentance, and institutional amends. I would love to see the Church turn away from its authoritarian, sovereign style of governance and return to its roots in common consent moving forward (D&C 26:2).

How can we approach difficult parts of scripture or church history with our children and youth in a way that immunizes them against assumptions that Church leaders consistently speak and act for God while simultaneously helping them build a strong connection with God and a reliance on their inner compass? First, I suggest we approach this prayerfully and follow our own intuitions. The following are my thoughts. Take what is useful and leave the rest:

1. Validate feelings and encourage self-reflection

Be curious instead of corrective when it comes to how your children or members of your primary class feel. Actively listen to their thoughts and concerns. Let them know that all feelings are okay. There is no shame in doubt or uncertainty. These can open our minds to deeper truths. Teach children that their feelings are a gift from God that help them identify when something is right or wrong for them. They help us to stay safe. God ultimately wants us to be happy. “Men (and women) are that they might have joy” (2 Nephi 2:25). Encourage them to ask questions about how they feel and why. What is it that makes you feel uncomfortable? What feels wrong about this request? Journaling is a great tool for processing these feelings too.

2. Foster critical thinking skills

Teens are natural critical thinkers, and this is a God-given gift. Critical thinking is a process that can even help us identify and overcome our own biases, helping us to see and think more like Christ. Questioning, even those in authority, is not disrespectful, especially when done with the intent to seek divine truth. Teach your children to use logic and look for evidence instead of blindly accepting claims. Does this make sense? What evidence supports this claim? Does my own experience support this claim? What could be the motivation for teaching this idea? Try to look at issues from multiple perspectives and seek multiple interpretations. What other conclusions could be drawn from this narrative?

When I ponder the historical narrative of polygamy (see Candice Wendt’s “The Nightmare Before Christmas and the Nightmare of Joseph Smith’s Polygamy” parts 1 and 2), I think there are many more helpful, cautionary lessons that could be learned. Here are a few possibilities: Secrets keep us spiritually sick and are a red flag that we are doing something that deep down we know is wrong. If we refuse to face our shadow (parts of ourselves that we repress and/or hide from our conscious mind) and to repent, it will take control and may destroy us. Coercion and manipulation are not of God. If we follow Emma’s example, we may find a way to differentiate by rejecting harmful policies or doctrine for ourselves while still holding onto those that resonate and feel true.

3. Teach that Church leaders are human beings who can make mistakes and, therefore, we need a hermeneutic to recognize genuine revelation

In an authoritarian church, we are encouraged to take the teachings of our leaders as the word of God, but we would be wise to realize that God doesn’t remove the biases, weaknesses, or agency of those in church leadership positions. There are many precedents for the fallibility of leaders in ancient scripture. King David fell prey to sexual temptation. Jonah’s prejudices caused him to try to hide from God rather than teach people he didn’t like. Sometimes prophets model repentance. But sometimes they are unaware of their own biases and blindspots, reflected in scriptures or policies that can be confusing and reflect culture as well as projections of their own level of spiritual development and consciousness. This leaves us trying to make sense of scriptures that claim God is angry, violent, jealous, or vengeful. Richard Rohr offers “a hermeneutic for interpreting all Scriptures wisely” which we can extend to Latter-day teachings and history. He suggests:

“If you are meditating on a Bible text, Hebrew or Christian, and if you see God operating at a lesser level than the best person you know, then that text is not authentic revelation. “God is love (1 John 4:16), and no person you meet could possibly be more loving than the Source of love itself.”

When policies or doctrines do not reflect God’s unconditional love for all men and women, they are not of God. The priesthood ban on Blacks is one example of such uninspired doctrine and was thankfully reversed. I believe this doctrine was an incident of men making God into their own image instead of allowing God to transform them.

God does not ask us to blindly follow other men, but to simply follow Christ. So, we can analyze the evidence when considering history or modern teachings and check whether it is in line with love and with the teachings and example of Jesus Christ. We can also judge doctrine and policies by the fruit they bear.

For me personally, I have concluded that the fruit of polygamy was bitter and disgusting. It sparked pain, suffering, and violence. It was enforced with coercion, threats, and other forms of manipulation. These are not of God. It is that simple. I find freedom in letting go of these ideas as divine and accepting them as coming from Joseph and not God, because it allows me to see God as more loving and caring towards women, desiring them equal joy and happiness now and forever.

4. Model healthy boundaries and differentiation

Our children learn by our example. When you are in a nuanced space with church, it’s difficult to know what to teach our children, especially regarding complicated and painful topics. I worry about confusing them, but I also want to model critical thinking as well as transparency and honesty. I no longer claim the answers to all their questions, but I can model a process to wrestle with complicated issues while retaining a faith in God’s goodness and a desire to be a part of a faith community even if I don’t always agree with what is being taught. Ultimately, the example we set can grant our children permission to think for themselves and differentiate with confidence while they seek direction from God.

We can make changes to our personal beliefs and practices faster than changes will occur in church culture or policy. I find inspiration in the story of John Woolman, a Quaker born in 1720 in New Jersey, who became an influential abolitionist long before such ideas were widely spread or accepted. During a time when slavery was widely practiced and largely unchallenged, John personally developed the conviction that such a practice was not in line with the values of Christianity. He was unable to see institutional changes during his time, but he succeeded in persuading many fellow Quakers to free their slaves, and he lived according to his beliefs and values, even personally paying slaves whenever he benefited from their labor. His example and voice continued to inspire gradual change in attitude and belief even after his death. Finally, ten years later, the Quakers became the first Christian sect to crusade for abolition.

5. Encourage a personal relationship with God

Our church has at its foundation a boy who sought answers directly from God with a trust that God would not punish him but would give to him liberally. Our children can also seek answers and trust that an unconditionally loving God will touch their hearts and minds to help guide them. We nurture this relationship when we slow down and intentionally carve out time for divine connection in our lives. Sacred texts, prayer, time in nature, meditation, and contemplation can also help nurture this connection. Meditation quiets the mind and opens us to feeling God’s peace, comfort, and promptings. Contemplation is a more active process designed to seek answers or insights from God about a specific issue or question. It is a process of expanding our own knowledge and understanding through study, critical thinking, considering multiple perspectives, and imagining multiple possibilities. 

Final Thoughts

God does not ask us to engage in self-betrayal or to blindly follow leaders to be men and women of faith. Christ invited us to follow Him. As we strive to follow Christ and teach our children to do the same, we can help them become spiritually resilient, God-directed individuals. We can value scriptures and even our fallible leaders, gleaning true revelation and inspiration where we recognize it while simultaneously setting healthy boundaries and differentiating by rejecting those policies, practices, and doctrines that neither exemplify love nor resonate with our own hearts and minds. This means that we can judge the roots and fruits of polygamy for ourselves right now, even if the Church is far from ready to reevaluate its history and recognize past mistakes. The best part of letting go of believing God would command and threaten women to submit to such heartbreaking circumstances is that I get to see how God is actually far less confusing, far more loving towards Their daughters, and infinitely better than I ever previously imagined. We can trust in God’s goodness, love, and truth. As we seek divine truth, God can help us see and think more like Christ, helping to guide and transform us as individuals.

This post accompanies Emma’s recent Exponent II Come Follow Me lesson plan, Listening to Our Inner Compass Concerning Plural Marriage: A Lesson Plan for Children and Teens

Emma Eve Marks is the pen name of a professional educator who strives to live a Christ-centered life of radical love and embracing grace on the East Coast. Her all-time favorite compliment remains, “You are an emotional and spiritual badass.”

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