How to Set Boundaries With Emotionally Immature Parents (Scripts Included)

If you grew up with parents who were inconsistent, critical, self-absorbed, or just not emotionally equipped to deal with conflict, those patterns can stay with you right into your adult life. It’s difficult to have immature parents. It can impact your confidence, relationships, and even your sense of safety, as it’s challenging to trust what’s happening when you don’t feel like you can trust the adults in your life.

But you can learn to set boundaries with all the people, even your folks.

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What Emotionally Immature Parents Look Like

When I talk about emotionally immature parents, I mean parents who avoid emotional topics or shut down when feelings come up. They make everything about them, even your pain. They struggle with empathy, overreacting, or becoming defensive to any perceived criticism, making meaningful conversations challenging.

Immature parents can also have unpredictable moods, creating that walking-on-eggshells dynamic that we see in so many families, or they rely on you in completely inappropriate ways. I can’t tell you how many therapy clients I’ve had over the years who were decision makers in their family at eight years old, deciding where the family would go on vacation or whether their parents should have another child.

One of my friends told me a story the other day about how when her little brother was born, her mom said, “He’s yours now.” When you have immature parents, it often means the children get handed power they don’t even want. It’s like giving a four-year-old keys to the van, and they’re like, “Hello, I’m four.” It creates a sense of insecurity because you’re not on stable ground with immature parents.

How You Probably Adapted (And Why It Matters Now)

If you grew up with immature parents, you likely adapted in one way or another. You could have become the pleaser, learning to keep the peace by suppressing your own needs, wants, and desires. You could be the performer, working to earn love and approval through achievement (super common in my therapy practice). Or the caretaker, who is taking on adult responsibilities way too young, which is parentification.

Having immature parents puts children in the position of being emotionally parentified. Even if you weren’t making dinner, if you had immature parents, you knew you were the most grown-up person in that house, even as a kid. And children are so dialed in to what’s happening.

These adaptations are incredible when you think about it. They’re like genius survival strategies. We could figure that out at seven or five or eight. I’m just amazed at our minds and the human condition. But as adults, these brilliant survival strategies keep you locked into high-functioning codependent relationships a lot of times. We become overfunctioners, highly capable, hyper-independent, but deeply uncomfortable letting others meet our needs. And that’s not good for our relationships.

Why Boundary Setting Feels Impossible

If you’ve ever tried setting a limit with an emotionally immature parent, you probably know it doesn’t go well because the pushback is real. Common reactions include guilt-tripping (“After all I’ve done for you”), playing the victim (“Oh, I guess I’m just the worst mother in the world”), anger (“I can’t believe you’d be so ungrateful”), or minimizing your concerns by basically telling you that you’re overreacting.

This happens due to what I call, silent agreements or unspoken contracts that have been in place, probably for decades. You learned in childhood that you’re expected to prioritize their comfort over your wellbeing, so there will definitely be pushback when you try to change the dance in adulthood.

You can’t teach someone how to be a better parent if they don’t want to learn, but here’s the thing: your job isn’t to teach them how to be more emotionally mature. Your job is to protect yourself, which is precisely what boundaries are about.

Let’s Talk About What Boundaries Really Are

Think of boundaries as your own personal rules of engagement, letting other people know what’s okay with you and what’s not okay with you. Having healthy boundaries requires you to know your preferences, your limits, and your deal-breakers. Knowing them is not enough. You have to know them and then be able to communicate them when you choose to, which can be very difficult when you know it will create drama.

The Step-by-Step Guide to Boundaries That Stick

Step 1: Get Clear Where You Need a Boundary

This is an essential step because you need to know where you need a boundary to create it.

Take a resentment inventory specifically around your parents and get precise about what you’re holding resentment for. You can’t just say “they meddle in my life” because you have to say “when they came to my workplace when I told them not to” or “when they criticized my parenting in front of my kids.” Our resentment basically shows us where we need a boundary or where a boundary we’ve established is being violated.

Step 2: Preplan Your Approach

We’re going to strategically figure out the best time and place to have the conversation. If they try to make you feel guilty or say “Oh, I’m the worst mother in the world,” you’ll keep sticking to what you have to say.

Step 3: Write Your Boundary Script

Create a script with concise language specific to you and your situation, informing the other person of your preference, your request, or your limit. You’re going to stick to your own side of the street using “I” statements, not blaming language.

You don’t have to have perfect words to execute. You just have to do it. It’s okay if you do it badly. It’s okay if you do it messily. It’s okay if you’re sweating. You’re just going to do it.

Some sentence starters to make it easier:

“I’d like to make a simple request…”“I wanted to bring to your attention…”“I wanted you to be aware of how I feel about…”

For more practical boundary scripts you can use, grab the free guide here.

Step 4: Handle the Defensive Reactions

When someone becomes defensive (because they probably will), you have a couple of choices. You can acknowledge the fact: “I see that this is upsetting to you, and yet I still have to ask you not to come over to my house without calling me first.”

If they start to retaliate or interrupt, you’re going to put your hand up and say, “Please let me finish before you interject, and then I’ll be all ears for what you want to say.”

We want to not let this devolve into a fight because somebody interrupting you and being defensive is trying to get you to stop saying what you’re saying. Your job is going to stay neutral and stick to what you want to tell them.

Step 5: Visualize and Execute

Once you have your script written out, you’re going to visualize it going well, meaning you deliver what you want to say the way you want to say it. We don’t have the power to dictate how it’s received, and that’s not your job. If they don’t like it, that’s okay. You’re still going to be okay. It’s still a win if you do it.

Your healing comes in asserting yourself, even if they don’t understand. I’ll sometimes say to people, “You don’t have to understand why I feel the way I do, but if you want an important place in my life, you have to care about the way I feel. So please stop trying to talk me out of my feelings.”

Step 6: Expect Discomfort and Add Consequences When Needed

You’re going to expect discomfort. There’s going to be discomfort, and it’s okay. Some people call it an extinction burst, where the old behavior flares up before it dies down because they may push back harder than usual.

If this is a repeated problem, if it’s what we call a boundary repeat offender, then you want to add a consequence to the boundary. “I’ve asked you several times to call me before you come over, and if it happens again, I’ll have to take the keys back.” They’re going to say you’re being dramatic, but consequences, especially with repeat offenders, are almost the only thing that will make a difference. Because a boundary for a repeat offender without any consequence is like a light suggestion instead of an actual limit that you’re setting.

Scripts for Real Situations

Scenario 1: The Drop-In Visit They say: “I was in the neighborhood, so I just stopped by.” Your script: “I appreciate you wanting to see me. In the future, please call first so I can make sure it’s a good time.”

Scenario 2: The Guilt Trip They say: “I guess I won’t see you anymore since you’re so busy.” Your script: “I love you and I want to see you. Here are the times that work for me.”

Scenario 3: Getting Too Personal. They say, “When are you going to have kids?” Your script: “I’m not discussing that. Let’s talk about something else.”

Download my free guide to get more scripts and sentence starters on how to set boundaries with emotionally immature parents.

Moving Forward With Hope

If this brings up feelings for you, just remember that you are not alone or at fault. Your parents are the way they are, but you can change how you interact with them, and setting boundaries with them is not rejecting them. It’s a way of self-protection and self-respect.

Your parents may never become mature, and they may never become the attuned caregiver you wish they were in your childhood, but you can become that for yourself. When you do that work, you stop the generational cycle, and there’s nothing more powerful than being a cycle breaker.

Your needs matter in this life, and whether you had parents who could care about that when you were a kid or not, your voice matters now. How you feel matters. What you think matters. It’s never too late to change the way you interact with your parents and anyone else in your life.

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

FAQ: Your Most Asked Questions About Boundaries With Immature Parents

Q: What if setting boundaries makes my parents upset or angry? A: If they’re upset, that doesn’t mean you did it wrong. Remember, it’s the action of doing it that makes you successful, not their reaction. Their emotions are their responsibility to manage, not yours.

Q: How do I know if I should add consequences to my boundaries? A: If this is a repeated problem with what I call a “boundary repeat offender,” then consequences become important. A boundary without consequences for repeat violations can become just a light suggestion rather than a meaningful limit.

Q: What if other family members tell me I’m being too harsh or dramatic? A: Family systems often resist change, and other members may try to pressure you back into your old role. Focus on your own well-being and remember that protecting yourself isn’t harsh – it’s necessary for healthy relationships.

Q: How long should I expect it to take for things to improve? A: Every situation is different. Some people adjust to new boundaries quickly, others take longer, and some may not adjust at all. Focus on consistently maintaining your boundaries rather than trying to control their timeline for acceptance.