Mastering the Inner Game

Most leadership trainings start either with a personality profile or learning a repeatable skill, for example, a script to use during a sales call, or just the right phrase to use in a conflict.

Scripts can sometimes be helpful. After all, I’ve built a script of sorts around my Performance Coaching Model. At the same time, scripts won’t help much if you’re emotionally hijacked, second-guessing yourself, or trying to be someone you’re not.

Leadership isn’t just about the outer game of skills development; it’s also about the inner game.

When you don’t have clarity on the inside, your outer actions—no matter how polished—will ring hollow.

Let’s explore what it means to master the inner game of conflict and why it’s the most overlooked element in leadership development.

What’s the Inner Game?

The inner game is the space where your emotions, values, beliefs, and desires either work together or work against each other.

It’s where you:

Struggle with indecision because you want two things at once.Say yes when you mean no.Stay quiet when your values are being compromised.Doubt your decisions, even after you’ve made them.

You might think your conflict is with your employee, your boss, or your co-worker.
But the real conflict—the first conflict-is—is inside of you.

The High Cost of Misalignment

Misalignment means your behavior doesn’t match your values. Your head says one thing. Your gut says another. And your leadership becomes scattered, reactive, and exhausting.

Let’s take a common example:

You value honesty and direct communication. But you avoid giving tough feedback because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. So, you wait. You hint. You hope they’ll figure it out, all the while, you feel frustrated, out of integrity, and mentally drained. That’s the cost of misalignment: mental fatigue, relational friction, and leadership drift.

Four Keys to Winning the Inner GameSelf-Awareness: Know your patterns. What triggers you? What emotions surface when you’re stressed? What physical cues show up—tight shoulders, shallow breathing, clenched jaw?A Strong Values System: Are you clear on what you value most as a leader? Is it integrity? Growth? Respect? When you’re clear, decisions become easier because your compass is set.Discernment: Ask the powerful question: Does this serve me now? This allows you to shift in the moment instead of reacting on autopilot.Course Correction: You need a way to move past your habitual patterns and this often requires a plan.The Inner Game in Action

I’ve worked on my inner game, specifically around the area of impatience.  I’m naturally impatient. When I’m tired or under pressure, I interrupt, sigh, or push to “get it done.” But I also value radical listening, and impatience sabotages what I care about most. When I’m impatient, I notice the signals: a hot neck, shallow breath, and foot tapping. With some discernment and self-reflection, I noticed that I tend to exaggerate about inconveniences when I’m experiencing impatience.

For example, at the grocery store, I’d struggle if the cashier seemed preoccupied in conversation or was (in my opinion) taking too long. I noticed that when retelling the story, I’d exaggerate. I’d say, “The line was wrapped around the building. I waited for 30 minutes while they blabbed on and on.”

Deep down, I knew this behavior wasn’t helpful, so I decided to course-correct the behavior. Here’s what I did: First, I would no longer allow myself to exaggerate. If I were going to complain, I’d have to work with the facts only. No embellishments—no payoff of venting. Next, when I noticed the physical sensation and the trapped feeling of being in line, I’d set my timer for 10 minutes. I’d tell myself, “I can complain after 10 minutes.”

This freed me up to browse through a magazine or check social media—a nice distraction from my usual focus and intensity.  Then, before I even recognized the time that had passed, my timer went off as I was pulling out of the parking lot. (If I didn’t have the facts, I would have sworn I’d been there half an hour.)

Truth is stranger than fiction. The line was only three people deep, not wrapped around the building. They weren’t blabbing endlessly; they merely said, “Hello, are you having a good day?” and it didn’t take half an hour; it only took about 8 minutes.

The inner game kicks in, not after awareness, but after you make a decision to change, and you see the results.

This is what I know about conflict: There is no conflict unless there’s an inner conflict first. The most difficult work of leadership is in the inner game.

 

Image by Vilius Kukanauskas from Pixabay

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