The Ties That Bind
This post explores another aspect of Dr. Lefty’s exceptional article of July 10, 2025, “Estrangements and Estates”. Specifically that of Reconciliation. People are just beginning to talk about estrangement even though one out of four families —or 30% of American families have an estranged member, as cited in Dr. Lefty’s article. That’s a pretty big number.
When someone severs ties, it’s not about a day that went wrong, or even one event that happened. It’s an accumulation of things that pile up and fester, and some trivial misunderstanding that no one even remembers can trigger an estrangement.
There are many reasons for an estrangement. I think we can agree that toxic relationships might include drug abuse, violence, mental health issues, involvement in unlawful activities and so on. But there are other intolerable situations such as certain personality disorders that can drive a person to put an end to the relationship. Difficult childhood histories, abusive parenting—These get carried over into adulthood. Now, unfortunately, we also have polarizing political views. Business deals gone wrong or loans un-repaid are also archetypal. The list goes on.
If reconciliation is your goal, both parties may have to settle for a different relationship. You can go home again but it may well be a different home.. The other person may never live up to your values or your standards. The question you need to ask yourself is do I really want this person in my life. If the answer is yes, remember It takes two to reconcile.
There has to be enough love on both sides for the reconciliation to work. Love is fundamental to reconciliation. You may not forget but you can forgive. Love is a word that is bandied about. Too many people have a skewed idea of what love is—a misunderstanding of the different types of love and its deep meaning. True love has strength and resilience. It “bears all things”. But studies have shown that each of us has a different capacity for forgiveness.
There is a secrecy attached to estrangement. Because of the shame and taboo nature of the subject, people are ashamed to express their feelings. The emotional pain and confusion it brings make it very difficult to talk about. People view estrangement as isolating. They tend to think there is something wrong with your family. There is a stigma attached to it.
When people look back at what went wrong they have divergent views of the past. They can’t even agree on who said what or what actually occurred. If a reconciliation is to come about, It may be best to start with the present and work from there.
Reconciliation will never bring back the relationship to the same level it was, but it still may be good to be back in the relationship—and who doesn’t like to think it’s never too late. Family membership is forever. If reconciliation is on your mind, don’t wait another day. I write from experience. The first sentence of a short message can be “I love you.”.
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