The Fear of Letting Go

Retirement sounded so great to me a few years ago. Now as I face the reality of it, I find myself having panic attacks. “No more income? I will end up a homeless bag lady on Main Street….” I find myself thinking.

All irrational thoughts since I will have a COLA pension supplemented by my savings and will receive social security in 18 months.  These revenues will come close to matching my current net pay when I start social security.

I had planned on working until age 70. But with the ageism I face at work it’s time to go. Also, at the age of 68 I’m just tired. But a part of me is disappointed in myself for not working until age 70.

I have many projects and activities I plan to pursue in retirement. I’m not concerned about what I’ll do, but how to pay for it.

As I consider retirement I can’t help but remember that both my mother and my maternal grandmother died at age 84. My father died at age 86 and his mother at age 92. How long will I live?

Money was a charged issue in my family. Basically, my father expressed his love for his family by supporting us financially. As a child of the Great Depression, it was his way of keeping us safe and secure. Even now, I find myself feeling that buying an expensive gift for someone is a way of expressing my affection.

But I remember back when my closest friend got me a birthday present. It was a teal highlighter. We were both college students with little money. Although the highlighter did not cost much, it touched me that she had noticed that my favorite color was teal.

But teal highlighters will not pay the rest of my mortgage, which is $150,000. And I still have to get the landscaping done which I hope to pay for with my current liquid accounts.

I find myself unprepared for this transition. I plan to go to the Enrolled Agent who does my taxes for a retirement check-up. But there is still that emotional component.

 

How have you dealt with the emotional aspect of cutting off the paycheck and the work identity?

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