Episode #23: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

May was ending and June was beginning. I was so grateful forall the work at the store. With summer coming, we had a lot going on. Oursummer reading events for kids were gearing up. We had two homeschool groupsthat would be using our shop as a place for their kid’s summer book clubs. Wewere having twice a week children’s events as well as special displays for teensand adult summer reading.

The work kept me busy and distracted for which I wasthankful. When I went home at night, both my sisters wanted to tell me abouthow hard it was to come home without Dad. Ben wanted to tell me about thelatest text from Dad.

I still felt so numb. I finished arranging the teen shelfand knew it was time I clocked out for the day. It had been a short shift today,but they couldn’t afford overtime every week. I waved at Lacie and headed outthe door. I knew I should go straight home, but I had no commitments. I made myway to the park.

As I pulled up, I looked out at the creek that went throughthe middle of the park and I took a deep breath. I should eat my lunch and enjoya stroll before I returned home.

Take a day to fast and pray.

I pushed away the thought from my list. I wasn’t sure Iwould do anything from the list or write in my mercies notebook again. I justdidn’t think I could do it.

What could it hurt?

I looked toward my lunch bag and pushed open my door. Igrabbed my water bottle and purse and headed down toward the path that ledalong the creek. I probably wouldn’t actually take the day to fast and pray,but I might delay my lunch a little bit and pray. Maybe God would give me somepeace about what had been going on.

 

The sun was setting. I knew I had walked a long way and had beensitting in this spot among the trees for a long time. I had texted my family totell them I had decided to take some time to pray by myself.

Hunger gnawed at me.

“God,” I whispered. “I don’t understand. Are you going totake everything from me? If my parents’ marriage falls apart, I don’t think Iwill ever be whole again, not if it happens right now.”

I had said different variations of this several times. Itwas odd. I hadn’t fasted from food very often in my life on purpose. I alwaysthought it was for other people who were more spiritual to do. Besides, Ididn’t do well if I didn’t eat. Yet, as I looked toward the colors in the sky,I realized that was exactly the point. Every time I felt hunger, felt myself inneed of food, I turned to God.

I stood and started walking back the way I had come. Ineeded to try to make it back to the car before it got to dark. I felt weak. Iwas so hungry. I was desperate.

“Don’t You care that all this is shattering me?” I said indesperation. “All of this is crushing the life out of me!”

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, butnot destroyed.

I had memorized those verses so long ago. And they return tome. Tears sprang to my eyes. “How long will I be hard-pressed, Father? If youtake my family…”

I stopped and looked toward the sunset. Would I trust Godeven if it meant He took what I longed for? Yes, it would shatter my heart, butcould I trust Him with my pieces? I wanted to give a quick yes to thatquestion, but I couldn’t I kept walking.

I’m so hungry

What if God doesn’t give me the outcome I want?

Why can’t I just trust Him? Because I know trusting Himmeans surrendering what I want and leaving it in God’s care.

My thoughts raced. I picked up my pace, wishing I couldoutrun the thoughts.

I tripped and I caught myself against a tree. I lookedupward toward the sky and then dropped my gaze. I came face to face with theugly truth. I wanted to trust God, but I didn’t think He wanted my good – or myparent's good - as much as I wanted it. I walked and I thought through times inmy life when I had trusted things to God. How many times I had ended up withbetter, more wonderful plans. There were some times I had trusted God withsomething and realized that he had never given it back.

Can you trust Me now?

I again looked to the sky, the sun just a sliver on thehorizon.

My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is madeperfect in weakness.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and I had never felt somuch like I was in a battle. Fear, truth, and hope warred in my soul. I tookanother breath and looked toward the sky. What choice did I have? I couldn’tmake my parents have a happy marriage. I couldn’t make Jessie come back. Icouldn’t make someone love me. I couldn’t make my sibling happy. I couldn’teven gain hope and joy on my own, not the real, deep kind.

I paused. Looking around me to make sure I was alone, Idropped to my knees.

“Father, I’m acknowledging the truth that You are in controlno matter what. But would you please help me?” Teare squeezed out of my closedeyes. “And if You choose to take anything like my parents…” I took a breath andslowly formed the words. “I will trust You. If You shatter me, I am shattered.And You are the only one who could even begin to put together the pieces.”

I stood. I was exhausted, but somehow, I felt a battle hadbeen won. I took a deep breath and moved rapidly down the path. This day wouldbe going in my mercy notebook.

 

A much-needed surrenderingof my future to God