Episode #22: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

 

I had never thought I would find church so hard as I had theday before. Somehow, I felt like our family had failed. Weren’t Christiancouples supposed to stay together? What would people think of me now that myfamily wasn’t whole?

“God can still heal this. Remember this isn’t the end.”

I sighed and tried to hold onto Joan’s words but I justcouldn’t. Would guys think I couldn’t keep my marriage vows if my parentscouldn’t?

Get a grip, Pam. Your parents aren’t divorced yet! Justdo your job and try to hold onto hope.

I blinked as I straightened the children’s area as onehomeschool group left, knowing we had another coming in an hour. I tried tofocus on the work and not think, but my mind wouldn’t be silenced.

What would Evan think?

What does it matter? We were only ever friends and notamazing ones at that. Stop being obsessed with him.

I’m not obsessed, but do I really think that someone likehim from an amazing family would ever look at me as a potential spouse?

If they didn’t, they would be counting the parents’sins against the children. Not very Christlike.

But can’t we all admit that some things are passed down?Maybe you should stop thinking about marriage at all.

I took a long breath. The arguments going through my headrepeated and continued to the point I thought I would go crazy. Also, why did Ihave to argue like this with myself? Some counselor or psychiatrist wouldprobably think I was crazy.

“Miss Pam!”

I turned and Molly stood with a book in her hand. I smiled.“Hello there, Molly.”

“Have you read this book?” She held out a book for me toinspect.

I smiled at the cutely illustrated cover. “I have, but it’sbeen years.”

She nodded. “My friend at church gave it to me when shefinished reading it. She has red hair just like Anne of Green Gables.”

I smiled at her. I thought about my Green Gables phase,which had been less about the books and more about the Megan Follows movies. Ihad once wanted to dress like they did in the movies and visit Prince EdwardIsland.

“Mamma…I mean, Aunt Lacie says I can read it all by myself.”

I gave her a hug. “That’s wonderful.”

Molly sighed. “I keep calling Aunt Lacie Mama by mistake.”

I knelt down so I could be at eye level with the child. “Idon’t think she minds.”

Molly hugged the book to her chest. “But she is my AuntLacie, not my mama. Anna calls her mama though.”

I silently prayed for wisdom and patience I didn’t have atthe moment. “Is that hard for you?”

She nodded. “I don’t want to forget Papa and Mama. Annedidn’t pretend Marilla and Matthew were her parents.”

I again prayed for wisdom and gentle words I didn’t have inme. “I don’t think your sister is pretending. Yes, Jared and Lacie are youruncle and aunt, not your parents. But they are your guardians which is likethey are your parents, even if they didn’t give birth to you. Anna is callingthem what they mean to her.”

Molly looked down at her book. “But I still want them tojust by my uncle and aunt.”

I patted her shoulder “That’s okay too. Did you know we havethe whole Anne of Green Gables series here?”

“Really? Where?”

I breathed out a sigh of relief. I didn’t think I could dealmuch with the heavy emotions of others and took her to see the books.

I returned to the front counter and checked out an elderlywoman purchasing books for her granddaughters. Next, I had a tea order to makefor a young mom and her two kids. I was grateful it was a busier than normalMonday.

As soon as the next book club’s drink orders were filled andI made sure they had what they needed, I moved toward a box behind the counterof items that needed discount stickers put on them. I would need to update ourclearance rack.

I let out another long sigh as I pushed my canvas bag offthe box. It held my mercies notebook and my list of things to do. I should picksomething to do this week. I should think of something that I could put in mymercies notebook.

I put one earbud in and put on some music to try to settlemy nerves. I should keep listening to my audiobook or think of things to putinto my mercies notebook, instead, I let the instrumental soundtrack play as Iapplied sale stickers to the box of items.

 

I paused the Anne of Green Gables movie. I should get tobed. I looked toward the canvas bag. I needed to put something down in mynotebook and pick something on the list to do.

I swallowed and turned out the lights. Perhaps I should, butI just couldn’t this week. I would try again the next week, but I just didn’tfeel like trying to see God’s mercy in the midst of this pain nor did I thinkdoing something fun would help me be more hopeful.

A tear slipped down my cheek and I turned in my bed. “I’msorry, Father.” I prayed. “It just hurts so bad.”

Somehow, I felt like He understood.