Depressed SO and my ADHD

Forum: Women with ADHD

I’m seeking advice from others who’ve experienced similar challenges in their marriage. My husband struggles with job-related depression, and I have inattentive ADHD, hormone imbalance, and a validation complex (as my therapist calls it). I feel like a failure when I don't meet certain expectations, and it's affecting our marriage. We have two young children (5 and 7), and we've been together for 15.5 years.

He’s an only child, and I’m the oldest of four, which has led to some differences in our upbringing. Over the years, he’s had issues with entitlement, which has decreased in some ways but increased in others. I’m in therapy and on medication (Cymbalta, Wellbutrin), and my thyroid results were normal. I’m working on my personal issues and taking responsibility for my shortcomings.

However, my husband’s depression has led him to sacrifice his own joy, and he’s stuck in a job he hates. He’s been in a six-figure role (barely) for years, and although he can do better, he stays in the same job because of the money. I’ve tried helping him find something better, but after 10 years of doing this, I’m frustrated.

I’m content in my own job, but I don’t keep up with housework, and I have no support system. I’m expected to be a happy wife while juggling work, kids, and home life. His job stress is overwhelming, and I can’t bring up any issues without him shutting down. He gets defensive, and I feel like I bury my emotions to avoid disrupting his routine. He’s admitted he wasn’t as involved during the early years of parenting, but whenever I bring up the past, he gets defensive.

He refuses therapy, and I’m realizing that his stress isn’t mine to fix. I can only control my own reactions. We’ve discussed this, but it hasn’t led to any lasting change. His refusal to seek help is impacting our parenting, and I’m afraid I’m falling out of love. He’s too stressed to initiate intimacy, and when I do, he rejects me, saying he’s too tired. I’ve tried medication to help with my own anxiety and it increased my libido, but now I’m struggling with his rejection. I’ve expressed how this makes me feel, but his response is always the same: “I know I’m a failure, but it’s my job.”

Any advice or stories from others in similar situations would be appreciated.

(Divorce is absolute last resort and I’m trying to avoid this- when things are good for us-  they are sooo good, and it’s life that I want to keep for all the time.)