Episode #13: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

Host a tea party.

It sounded so simple when I was making a list. I wasgood at lists. In fact, I had three different, very good lists around me. ButI sat, staring at my screen with my invite list, frozen.

I couldn’t do this. Yes, it was on my list to host a teaparty with a few friends, but actually doing it…

You're so needy.

I’m sorry. We can’t be friends anymore.

I covered my ears,but since the words came from inside my own head, that didn’t stop them. Howcould I try to reach out to people when things had gone so badly before?

I took a deep breath. Who could I go to for some bettercounsel than what my own warring heart and mind offered?

Joan.

I texted her asking if I could ask her a question and then Icontinued on my grocery list, even though planning the party was making myanxiety rise.

My phone rang. It was Joan.

“Hi Joan.”

“Hi Pam, what’s going on?”

How did I explain why something so simple was causing me somuch stress? Maybe just say it as plainly as that. “You know I told you aboutthe list I made at the beginning of the year?”

“Oh yes,” Joan said. “I thought it was a wonderful idea to get back to things you loved.”

I sighed.  “Well, thisweek, I was going to have a tea party. I used to have them often and I lovedit. But…I’m stressed out just thinking about it. I mean, after losing my friendlast year, it seems like it’s impossible to do something this social. I’ve beensitting here, panicking too much to send out the email invites. How do I getover this and just do it?”

“Who says you have to?”

I sank into my chair. “What?”

“Who says you have to do this now? If it is that stressful,it doesn’t seem like that would make it a joyful experience. Yes, sometimes youhave to push yourself to do things when you don’t want to but other times you need to give yourself some time to heal.”

My breath caught and tears spilled over. I felt silly for howmuch relief those words brought me. I sniffed. “So you don’t think I need toworry about this now?”

Joan was quiet for a moment and then spoke. “Pam, are youstill in God’s word?”

I looked over at my open bible. I had caught up on myreading plan. “Yes.”

“Are you still in church?”

I laughed because Joan and I made a point of saying hello toeach other every Sunday. “Yes.”

“Are you staying in fellowship with other believers? By thatI mean are there people in your life that you are sharing with about what isgoing on in your heart and who encourage your walk with Jesus?”

 Joan. My siblings.Crystal. I had some very good friends who pointed my gaze upward. “I do.”

“Then Pam, if there are some social things that are causingyou to panic, maybe it shows there is an area in your heart that needs sometime to heal. As long as you are pursuing healing from The Healer, I don’tthink you need to worry about completing something off your checklist.”

I let out a long breath. “Okay.”

“Pam?

“Yes?”

“You're doing well.”

Again the tears sprung to my eyes. “Every time I think I’mdoing well, I see the long way I have to go.”

She chuckled. “That's the Christian life. Here I am in myseventies and I know I still have a long way to go. May I make a suggestion?”

“Of course?”

“Perhaps see if one person will share tea with you and thencome up with some ideas of things that might help you heal. I don’t know if youknow this, but I had a baby that was stillborn.”

I sucked in a breath. “What?”

“It had been a rocky year to begin with. I had a fewpeople say some very hurtful things about the reason my baby died. I neverwanted to go to church or the grocery store again. So I sat down and I made alist. I let myself skip church for two weeks. For about two months, I slippedin during the first song and left during the final prayer. I avoided some peoplefor a month until I could talk to them in a godly way. I do think giving yourself time to heal beforehosting a party is okay.”

I let out a long breath. “Thank you, Joan. I needed that.”

“You are welcome, my dear.”

“And I’m sorry about your baby. Did you name them?”

“We named him Samuel. Because even though we never got tosee him take his first breath, we knew he was a gift from God all the same.”

Tears sprang to my eyes. I wanted a faith like Joan's, onethat saw the blessings amid the worst life had to offer. “That’sbeautiful. Thank you, Joan.”

After saying goodbye, I grabbed a cup of English breakfasttea with a splash of half-and-half and settled down at my desk again. I shovedaside the lists for the tea party and pulled out a fresh sheet of paper. Iwould make a plan - a timeline to give myself permission not to do something, like Joan had done.

I took a sip of tea, but before I put anything down on my planfor giving myself space to rest, I pulled out my mercies notebook to make noteof the mercies.

God, who is a healer

Wise words from Joan

The space to rest andheal