Episode #9: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

 

My day off.

I took a deep breath. It felt good. I loved getting off randomweekdays. I was able to accomplish more with my time off. And I had beenwaiting for today to dust off an old hobby of mine: sewing.

I had a few yards of pretty pink fabric with little roseson it and a pattern for a swishy skirt. I pictured myself wearing it to churchwith my lace blouse.

Well, it would never get done if I didn’t get to work. Iturned on the audiobook I had selected for today’s work: Little Women read byBarbara Caruso. Meg, Ivy, and I had loved listening to this very version when wewere young. We would put it on when we were sewing or mending (which wasn’toften) and imagine we looked just like the March sisters.

I chuckled as thought of when Ben or Asa would tease usabout our girl book and we told them since we only had three sisters, oneor both of them could fill the role of Amy for us. They usually ran awayand left our precious book alone for fear of us actually following through on the threat.

“What’s so funny?”

I looked up to see Ben in the doorway of my room. He must have worked an early shift at the office to be home this early.

He looked toward my phone, from which I was playing theaudiobook, and rolled his eyes. “Oh man, I thought I would never have to listento that book again.”

I rolled my eyes. “You don’t have to. You’re in my room.”When he stayed in the doorway, I reached over and paused the audiobook. “What’sup?”

He shrugged, but entered my room and dropped onto my chair. “Doyou know if we’ll be taking a trip as a family this fall?”

I paused in my cutting out of the pattern. “I assume so. Wealways do.”

He nodded and rubbed his hands against his jeans. “Yeah, andDad is usually already talking about where we will be going by this time.”

I swallowed. I hadn’t thought about it, but he wasright. After the New Year was underway, Dad usually came home from work with acouple of ideas of where we would explore this year. “It’s only February.”

His eyes remained on the floor. “And they didn’t do anythingfor Valentine’s Day.”

I felt the fear rising within me. Our parents had nevermissed doing something for Valentine’s Day they at least exchanged cards andusually had a nice dinner at home in their room while their children watched a movieand made a sport out of who could insult the day most.

Would we become one of those homeschoolfamilies? The kind people whispered about and used to make fun ofhomeschooling, faith, and traditional views? I looked toward my bookshelves, butmy favorite tomes couldn’t give me any comfort.

“Are they going to make it Pam?”

I jerked my head toward him. “How am I supposed to know? DoI look like God to you?” I was shouting and on my feet. I hadn't even realized my fear had shifted to anger. “Good grief, just becauseI’m the oldest doesn’t mean that I can hold our family together. What do youexpect me to do? Make Mom and Dad stay married? I can’t even make my bestfriend stay. I can’t even….”

The hurt and horror on my brother's face finally penetratedmy eyes and heart. Like someone stabbing a balloon with a knife, the angerdrained out of me and I was left with shame and guilt.

I sank to the floor and stared at the carpet I needed toclean. “I’m sorry, Ben.”

He said nothing.

I tried not to cry. The last thing Ben needed was todeal with a weepy sister on top of the anger I had subjected him to. “Pleaseforgive me. I know we’re all worried. I just… I don’t know what to say. I neverthought our parents would be like this. I don’t think they would ever think ofgetting divorced, but I just don’t know.”

He shifted. I saw his bare feet wiggling in the carpet. Ifinally lifted my eyes to meet my sweet, gentle brother’s eyes. He lookedlike I had slapped him and called him vile names. Guilt washed over me. Whycouldn’t I do anything right? I had failed my best friend, and now I wasfailing my brother.

He slid off the chair onto his knees next to me on thefloor. “I’m sorry. I guess I hoped Mom and Dad had told you something theyhadn’t told the rest of us that would make sense of what's going on.”

I shifted and shook my head. “Ben, they've told me exactly what they’ve told you. I… I don’t thinkthey would share anything else with me. Clearly, I’m unable to handle life right now.”

Ben shrugged. “Last year wasn’t easy for you.”

I brushed a wayward tear from my face and determined itwould be the only one. “Yes, but this isn’t just about me.”

Again Ben shifted and his gaze looked to the floor. My adultbrother hadn’t looked so much like a little boy in ages.

“Maybe, we could do better at being there for each other. Assiblings I mean. I think we’ve all drifted apart because of… everything.” Hegave a shrug.

I nodded. “I like the idea. What did you have in mind?”

“I don’t know, but I’ll come up with something.” He stoodand left my room. "Oh I came back to get some papers I left here. I'll be back around five."

I reached for my mercies notebook and put Ben down. He not only was a mercy, he had shown me mercy.

 

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott and narrated by Barbara Caruso was something my sisters and I listened to a a few times growing up. I was excited to find this was available digitally and I now own a copy.