Episode #4: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

I had the house to myself. While an introverted person andan adult, I truly enjoyed living with my parents and siblings. A lot of peopledidn’t understand why. They didn’t understand my joy in spending my daily life with people I loved. But I had given up on peopleunderstanding me. Jessie had made it clear that I didn’t have the skillsto make myself understood.

To drown out the pain from the last year. I turned on amovie and pulled out the bag of things I had picked up at the grocery store. EverythingI needed to make my own chai tea. I dropped the cinnamon sticks, cardamom pods,and black tea into the water.

I sang along to my favorite catchy song while I chopped acouple of slices of ginger. peppercorns and cloves went into the mix. As I leftthe mixture to heat, I prepared everything to make it into a latté. Maybe Icould mix a little of that lavender syrup that my mom gave me for Christmas.

Was I a bit lavender-obsessed? Perhaps. However, I blame mymother entirely. I hated traveling as a child, but we had to for my parents’business. They sold homeschooling curriculum. My mom found that if she scented everythingat home with lavender and also did that when we traveled, I slept better. So, Ibecame an early addict of the scent and then it moved into other aspects oflife like my tea.

My phone buzzed and I looked at the text. A v formed on my forehead.Crystal? I hadn’t heard from her in a while. Her family used to be on thehomeschooling circuit too and she, Jessie, and I had done a couple of things together.

Hi Pam! It’s been a long time since I’ve talked to you butI had to reach out. You're friends with Jessie Hays, right?

I swallowed and set my phone down. How was I supposed toanswer that? Jessie had told me we wouldn’t have further communication and we weren’tfriends so I couldn’t say that we were. Yet, I still cared about Jessie anddidn’t want to say she wasn’t my friend.

I swallowed as I looked at the lavender syrup in my hand.Part of me still hoped that maybe, one day, we would be reconciled. Maybe I wasstupid for thinking so. Maybe Jessie had been right when she said I wasn’t agood friend. Or maybe she was complexly wrong and she was the bad friend. Ormaybe…

I shook my head. I was so tired of puzzling thoughts. I had prayed. I had done my best. I had tried to honor Jessie and God in how I acted. And I would do that now. I would tell the truth, but in a way that respected Jessie’s wishes.

Hi Crystal! It’s good to hear from you. I know Jessie.

I turned off the pot of tea and poured it into a mug using a strainer. I added a spoonful of maple syrup, milk, and a touch of lavender. Then, my phone dinged again.

I don’t know I you, but Jessie’s dad had a heart attacklast week. We’ve started a fundraiser. I’m sending you the link.

On a happier note, I’ll be in town next week and was hoping we could meet up.

I stared at my phone unable to move. Jessie’s dad had aheart attack? Oh no! I blinked and moved my finger across the screen and wentto open my text thread with Jessie. The absence at the top of my list broughtthe reality home again. She wasn’t part of my life.

Tears sprung to my eyes. I dropped into a chair and put mystinging eyes into my hands. “How long will it hurt like this, God?”

I wanted to be there for Jessie, but I knew I couldn’t be. Iwanted to make things better for her but I couldn’t. That door had closed.Hadn’t it.

I switched to my phone app and hit my most frequentedcontact.

“Pam?”

“Hi mom,” I hated that my voice creaked.

“What’s wrong sweetheart?”

I swallowed and gathered my thoughts about me. “I just foundout Jessie’s dad had a heart attack. I want to be there for her but… Mom, whatif this is my fault?”

“The heart attack?”

“No,” I choked out. “That our friendship collapsed.”

My mother snorted. “Let’s go over this again. Remember hercalling and telling you things were messy. Why was that?”

“Because I said something stupid that hurt her.” It wastrue, but I knew it wasn’t the answer my mother was looking for.

“Almost a year before. She had let it fester. She hadn’tbrought it to you.”

“Why couldn’t I have been a better friend? She needed me andI let her down.” The tears spilled again. I had needed her too.

“She chose to let bitterness between you. Remember herresponse to your birthday gift?”

I nodded. I had bought her something she had told me shewanted but she had been disappointed that I had just bought something she hadtalked about instead of being original. And then I realized I had nodded to mymother who was on the phone.

“Remember how she refused apology for anything but required repeatedapologies from you?”

“Yeah,” I choked out. I remembered all the hurtful wordsspoken to me I had tried to let go. “But I hurt her mom.”

“We all have to forgive things.”

I reached over for my mug and took a sip. I nearly spit itout.

And I laughed.

“What is it?” Mom asked.

I continued to laugh. “I don’t think making chai tea isgoing to become my thing. This tea is way too strong and too… I don’t know butit’s awful

My mother joined in my laughter. “Pam, I know things werehard, but you’re going to get through this and make new friends.”

I looked at my mug. I would rather drink this stuff everyday than try to make new friends. Bad tea I could handle, losing anotherfriend? I didn’t think my heart would ever recover.