Problematic Friendships? Why We Stay + What to Change

Do your friendships feel unbalanced?

Are certain friendships draining?

Do your friends disrespect or trample on your boundaries?

Or do your friends bring you down rather than lift you up?

If the answer is yes, this episode is for you because it’s all about assessing friendships: why we stay in unhealthy dynamics, what unhealthy friendships look like, and how to figure out what you want from friendships and what you can change.

https://youtu.be/gsj09e_p5fw

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Why We Stay In Unhealthy Friendships

We stay in unhealthy friendships for a variety of reasons.

One is historical handcuffs. We may feel like we have too much history with someone to let the friendship fade and stay out of obligation, similar to how some people feel about certain family members.

Sometimes, we simply don’t want to be alone. We’re afraid of not having people to spend time with, even if we feel worse afterward.

Other times, we may be too loyal. In my younger life, I prided myself on my loyalty, to the extent that I was equally loyal to everybody (which didn’t make sense!).

Our home training and what we learn about boundaries and connectedness impact our friendships, too.

When I was a people-pleaser in my teens and 20s, if someone wanted to be friends with me, I felt obligated to be friends with them. I didn’t realize I had a choice.

Have you ever felt this way?

What Unhealthy Friendships Look Like

There are many different types of unhealthy friendships.

Frenemies are passive-aggressive and often treat the friendship like a competition.

These are people you hesitate to share good news with because you know they’re only so capable of being happy for you. They may get jealous or make your good news about them and their lack of whatever you have.

Doomsday friends are great and supportive when your life is in the shitter and you’re in pain, but they often mysteriously disappear when things are going well or readily rain on your parade.

Unhealthy friends can also be controlling or bullying; they might feel like friendship is ownership, and it is not.

Elements of control contributed to multiple friendship breakups in my 20s. One ‘friend’ was so possessive and jealous, that she got mad when I didn’t tell her I had plans to hang out with my childhood friends. I didn’t owe her an explanation!

The Impact of Unresolved Childhood Injuries on Friendships

Another reason we may stay in unhealthy friendships is because it’s familiar to us. 

Unresolved childhood injuries can compel us to repeat unsatisfying relationships in adulthood.

For example, let’s say you had a judgmental mother. You may find yourself attracting female friends who are also very critical or judgmental of you.

Asking yourself the 3 Qs for clarity can reveal these dynamics (and they’ll be in the guide):

Who does this person remind me of?Where have I felt like this before?How or why is this behavioral dynamic familiar to me?

If you had a punitive mother, you might realize, “Oh, this friend reminds me of my mean mother. That’s why I’m staying in this friendship! I’m afraid and seeking her approval like I did with my mother.”

Once we establish this connection, it becomes easier to say, “Betty is not mom, and I do not have to be friends with anyone who treats me this way.”

I’ve seen many therapy clients experience repeating relationship realities within friendships. One client had a female archenemy whom she hated at every job she held. She thought it was normal (it’s not).

After asking the 3 Qs, my client realized these archenemies were actually about her older sister who bullied her as a child. She had continued to play out this scenario in her adult work life.

Do you have any friendships where you might be playing out unresolved childhood wounds?

Adult Relationships Are Voluntary

If any of this resonates with you, know this: all of our adult relationships are voluntary.

Yes, even with family.

Nobody is owed you.

(This only applies to adult relationships- not to minor kids.)

Knowing that all of your adult relationships are voluntary can be incredibly empowering.

If someone is controlling, demanding, or entitled, and you’re breaking your back to sacrifice for the relationship, something likely needs to change.

It’s possible you’ve outgrown a longstanding friendship or a group of pals. Not only is this okay, it’s normal.

Give yourself permission to change who has access to you, especially in your VIP section, because not everyone in your life deserves to know your most tender heart.

Signs a Friendship Is Past Its Expiration Date

Now that you’re familiar with what unhealthy friendships look like let’s review some signs and symptoms of an expiring friendship:

Upon seeing their name pop up on your phone, you automatically say ugh or feel a sense of dreadYou feel drained as hell after spending time with themYou spend a lot of time thinking or worrying about how they’ll feel if you tell them somethingYou walk on eggshells around themYou’re codependent with themYou don’t feel seen, heard, or understood by themThey tell you what to do without trying to understand you (or they lack the capacity to understand)

If you’re experiencing some of these things in a friendship, there’s a good chance something needs to change (more on that later).

Friendship Assessment: Questions to Ask

The 20-question friendship assessment in the guide will help you dig deeper, but here are a few questions to begin assessing your friendships.

Note: this is not about blaming or making anyone wrong. It’s about getting real with yourself about how you are in these relationships. Think of it as collecting data.

Is the friendship unbalanced? Do you feel like you give and the other person takes?Are they critical of you and your choices? Do they use humor, or do they put you down passive-aggressively? Are they judgmental rather than supportive of you?

I ended a few friendships in my 20s because I felt judged and controlled. These ‘friends’ always had suggestions for how I could do things ‘better.’

Back then, I put people on a pedestal and thought everyone else knew more than I did. I came from this “one down” position. Through lots of therapy and some growing up, I realized that wasn’t true- I had a lot to offer!

Are you always rescuing them ? Maybe it’s a friend who consistently calls you late at night (despite knowing you get up early) to vent about the same thing for the thousandth time. You know they have zero intention of changing, and they hang up feeling lighter while you feel like you got dumped on.Are they moody? Are they super high energy or down and depressed? If you’re an empath or highly sensitive person, this may exhaust you because people’s moods can have an enormous impact on you and how you feel.Are they angry or volatile? Maybe they explode over small things or don’t tell you how they feel until they erupt.

The full 20-question friendship inventory is inside the guide. Download it here and really think about what you’re tolerating in these relationships and what you wish was different.

What To Do After the Assessment

You might be wondering, should I cut all contact with someone immediately if I answer “yes” to these questions?

Not necessarily.

If the friendship isn’t abusive and it’s important to you, a conversation and a boundary might be more helpful than you think.

Be honest: how often or how much are you telling the truth about what you have an issue with in problematic friendships?

We have to look at and take responsibility for our 50% because every relationship is half us and half the other person. Our half is what’s in our control.

If someone is doing something you don’t like and you don’t speak up, you are setting the relationship up to fail.

If talking true is difficult for you, my first book, Boundary Boss, will help you assert yourself. If you’re a people-pleaser, rescuer, or over-function, check out my latest book, Too Much. It includes boundary-setting tips in the context of high-functioning codependency.

It’s common for a lack of boundaries to lead to resentment, but it doesn’t have to be this way. We just have to speak up and tell people what we need or can’t deal with.

After you complete the assessment, you’ll probably have three options:

Set a boundaryHave a clarifying conversationLet go of the friendship

But there’s a fourth option.

Sometimes, we need something other than friendship. Sometimes, we need a community of like-hearted, like-minded people to support us on our growth journey because our friends can’t meet us where we are.

That’s why I created The Terri Cole Membership. Inside, I host weekly Q&A calls with women learning to assert themselves, be their authentic selves, and have more fulfilling relationships.

If you’re seeking connection and a real sense of community, the membership might be for you. It’s $59/month or $590/year (two months free) and you get access to all my signature courses, too. (Boundary Boss Bootcamp, Real Love Revolution, Understand & Transform Your Mother Wound, and Understand & Transform Your Father Wound.)

I also have my 9-month mastermind, Flourish, coming up. We begin February 1, 2025. It’s for ambitious entrepreneurial women. In my experience, ambition can threaten the people in our lives, making it hard to get the support we need.

If you’re looking for support with your business and your emotions, and you want to be held in a sacred, intimate container with a small, select group of other women who will cheer you on, Flourish might be for you.

I just had a heartwarming call from four women who were in the 2023 cohort of Flourish. They called me from a trip to say, “You made this happen. We’re in Paris together because of you.” It’s amazing what can happen when you ask for what you need. They still meet weekly, too.

Healthy, robust friendships where you can be authentic are incredibly valuable. My female friendships are just as important to me as my marriage. I’ve had the same friends since Nixon was in office and they add so much to the quality of my life. I want the same for you.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments or on Instagram (@terricole). Are female friendships difficult for you? Where have you found friends? Could you be telling the truth more often in your friendships? What did you discover from completing the friendship assessment?

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.