The Key to Growth + Recovery For High-Functioning Codependents

How do you react to seeing a friend, sibling, or partner having a rough time?

Not how do you respond, but how do you react?

Do you immediately jump to share ideas or thoughts to try to fix their problem?

Or do you inadvertently invalidate their feelings by saying, “Hey, it’s not so bad. It’ll be better tomorrow”?

If you’re nodding your head, this episode is for you. I am talking about the transformative power of learning to sit with emotional discomfort, why you may feel compelled to avoid it by taking action, and what you can do instead.

https://youtu.be/HtNUoHu2M0g

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

High-Functioning Codependency + Emotional Discomfort

We’re talking about emotional discomfort because it’s at the heart of high-functioning codependency, a topic I’ve been talking about a lot because, hello, my brand new book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency is out TODAY!

If you’re new to my work, I define high-functioning codependency as being overly invested in the feeling states, outcomes, situations, circumstances, finances, and careers of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace.

I’m not saying you can’t be concerned about the people you love. All of us are lovers and want the people we love to be happy.

But when you’re a high-functioning codependent (HFC), you feel overly responsible for other people’s happiness, which often results in making covert or overt bids to control other people’s outcomes.

This can look like telling a friend to break up with their partner who’s a jerk, telling a cousin to leave their low-paying job, or picking up the slack to cover for a colleague.

It can also look like offering up our window seat on the train to a couple otherwise unable to sit together (because always scanning for ways to ward off potential problems is an HFC specialty).

At the root of these behaviors is an avoidance of emotional discomfort.

We’re tired of hearing our pal complain about their partner, we want better for our cousin, we don’t want our colleague to get in trouble, and we don’t want to seem uncaring to the couple who can’t sit together.

You might be wondering, what’s wrong with being thoughtful? There is more to it than that.

There’s a steep price to high-functioning codependency because this level of involvement in other people’s lives and experiences is exhausting. Learning to sit with emotional discomfort is crucial for HFC recovery, and we’ll get to how to do it in a bit.

Traits of High-Functioning Codependency

To give you a clearer idea of what an HFC looks like, here’s a quick rundown of the common traits:

Going above and beyond and giving until it hurtsAlways ready to jump into damage control modeAlways offering grade-A advice (and perhaps becoming a little annoyed or frustrated if said advice is not taken)Feeling exhausted, resentful, and potentially bitterBeing hyper-independent (difficulty asking for or allowing help)Boundary trampler (inadvertently)

The last one may be hard to swallow because HFCs are big-hearted, but constantly giving unsolicited advice disrespects someone’s right to be self-determined or separate.

Other people have the right to succeed and fail, thrive and flail, even if it makes you uncomfortable. We can’t know what someone else should do with their life better than that person.

Examples of High-Functioning Codependent Behaviors

How does HFC behavior manifest?

Auto-advice givingAuto-accommodatingAnticipatory planningOver-functioningOverly self-sacrificing

HFCs are usually ready to take one for the team, putting everyone else’s needs above theirs.

HFCs also excel at spotting and solving problems quickly. There’s a lot of hypervigilance around trying to stop bad things from happening.

For example, if your partner leaves for work and finds their car has a flat tire, you may immediately tell them to take your car and offer to Uber to work.

Or you might engage in anticipatory planning, thinking of what might go wrong in a particular situation and taking steps to ensure those things don’t happen.

The over-functioning nature of an HFC often causes those capable of functioning to under-function, too.

All of these behaviors have an element of self-abandonment because it’s impossible to simultaneously prioritize our needs, wants, desires, and dealbreakers and those of others.

HFCs often choose to self-abandon to keep the peace, but it’s not very peaceful in the long run (especially internally).

Additionally, these behaviors are compulsive, meaning, as HFCs, we can’t not do them.

Many folks push back against the concept of being HFC, saying they’re just trying to be nice or helpful.

But being nice is a choice. If you can’t not do these things, it’s not a choice; it’s a compulsion.

This is why I talk about getting into recovery from HFC as opposed to being ‘cured.’

The Cost of High-Functioning Codependency (To Us and Others)

The price we pay for HFC behaviors is high: burnout, health problems, lack of joy, becoming bitter, and not being fully self-expressed.

When you’re living in anticipation of how other people may react or what might go wrong, you’re also living what I call life ‘lite,’ where you’re not fully present in the experiences you’re having.

The cost to others is their autonomy. We rob people of their sovereignty by doing things for them that they can and should do themselves.

And in not accepting people where they are, we might invalidate their feelings.

Some HFCs are hyper-positive silver-lining detectives, saying things like, “It could be worse.” Or “Everything happens for a reason.”

HFC behavior also leads to treating people as though they’re projects, which is dehumanizing. No one likes to be managed.

All of these HFC behaviors negatively impact the quality of your life, which is why this matters.

How to Navigate Uncomfortable Feelings

Many of these automatic, habituated, ingrained behaviors are inspired by emotional discomfort.

When we feel distressed about something, moving into immediate action allows us to move away from how we feel.

As HFCs, other people’s pain or discomfort makes us uncomfortable, and we want our discomfort to stop. To that end, we attempt to fix, save, make suggestions, and direct.

Since many HFCs are also highly empathic and sensitive, other people’s pain does cause us pain.

We begin to break the cycle by learning to sit with our feelings instead of taking action by trying to control other people.

Steps to Take to Sit With Discomfort

A daily mindfulness practice is how I created the space I needed between my desire to jump into someone else’s situation and my ability to respond consciously.

I have many free meditations over on Insight Timer, but any kind of mindfulness practice will work. We need to slow down. Otherwise, we’re just giving into knee-jerk emotional reactions.

Getting intimate with our feelings is so important that I wrote an entire section about it in Too Much. Yes, we need to learn to emotionally self-regulate, but part of this is taking the time to understand why someone else’s discomfort makes you so uncomfortable.

Inside the guide, you’ll find a few journal prompts to help you develop a deeper understanding of where these compulsive behaviors come from.

Figuring out who provokes discomfort in you creates an even deeper understanding of what’s going on for you. It’s not about blaming someone, it’s about knowing what situations cause these feelings of discomfort to arise in you.

In the guide, you’ll find my three Qs for clarity to help you see where you might be repeating something from an earlier time in your life.

Being With Someone In Their Discomfort

There’s something amazing about simply being with the people we love while they’re in pain, without trying to fix them. This is where true intimacy blooms in our relationships.

True love is tolerating your discomfort to be with someone in the foxhole of whatever dark night of the soul they’re going through because you love them that much. It’s asking, “How can I best support you?” instead of imposing solutions and fixes on them to make yourself feel better.

And, keep in mind that all of these changes can be made slowly, simply by taking the next right action and then the next. You got this, and I got you!

Remember to download the guide for extra tips, and order Too Much because everything you need to break the cycle of high-functioning codependency is in the book!

Have an amazing week, and as always, take care of you.