Kindness or Control? | The Hidden Layers of Codependency

Do you automatically accommodate others because it’s the “nice” thing to do?

Do you consistently overthink how your actions will impact others?

Are you always on the lookout for how you can help people or solve problems?

If you’ve ever wondered where the line is between codependent, caring, or controlling behavior, this episode is for you.

I’m breaking down the distinction by discussing a little-known aspect of codependency, sharing real-life examples to clarify, and providing tips on how to shift from codependency to healthy giving.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is Codependency?

According to me, codependency is being overly invested in the feeling states, the outcomes, the relationships, the circumstances, decisions, or the finances of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace and well-being.

The less often talked about part of codependency is how it’s a desire to control other people’s outcomes.

Maybe you don’t want your friend to marry the jerk she’s engaged to and try to convince her she deserves better.

Maybe you cover for your adult child when they miss their work shift.

Or maybe you take on more than your fair share of tasks at work or home.

These are enabling and codependent behaviors and, at their core, a bid for control.

A desire for control can be difficult to identify with when you’re a big-hearted person who cares about others (like many of you).

When I was highly codependent in my younger life, I didn’t realize my wanting to be helpful was a desire to control outcomes for others, but it was.

I felt obligated to give my opinion on everything to everyone, even when no one asked.

A friend could tell me they were driving somewhere, and I’d say, “Make sure to take the parkway over the turnpike!” despite them being perfectly capable of figuring it out since we all have GPS and they hadn’t even asked me!

The Distinction Between Codependency + Caring

You might think telling someone to take the parkway is nice or helpful…so where’s the line? What makes a behavior codependent rather than caring?

Compulsion and a feeling of urgency.

It’s one thing to choose to be nice. It’s another to automatically interject, over-give, or over-function (like I did).

High-functioning codependents feel compelled to help because other people’s problems feel like a five-alarm fire to them. They take these problems on as their own and jump into ‘fix it’ mode.

Do these behaviors sound familiar to you?

The other important distinction is whether you’re giving from a place of fear or love.

If you feel responsible for someone else’s decision and believe something bad might happen if you don’t intervene, your actions might be driven more by fear than love. (Even if you love the person!)

How Codependency Impacts Relationships

Codependent behaviors present barriers to intimacy in our relationships.

When we can’t help but give our two cents on everything someone does, it robs them of their ability to be sovereign and independent.

Whether it’s our adult children, a partner, or friends, we lack respect when we assume we know what people should do in their lives.

We don’t know better than they do. How could we? We’re not living their life, nor do we know what’s in their heart.

This is true even when you’re 100% sure someone is doing something wrong, like having an affair. It’s their move to make. Not yours.

Your mistakes, failures, and accomplishments are your own. This goes for others, too. We need to respect other people’s right to live, make mistakes, and course correct (or not).

As difficult as it may be to watch from the sidelines when we get overly invested in people’s situations and outcomes, we tend to make it about us, and it’s not.

This isn’t to say we should abandon our loved ones, but we can offer support without treating their problems as though they’re ours.

Feeling Obligated to Give Opinions + Advice

Let’s take a closer look at auto-advice giving with real-life examples because this is one of the bigger intimacy blockers of high-functioning codependency.

Many years ago, my son and his then-girlfriend were living together and had just painted the walls of their house with rich, dark, and saturated colors. They loved it.

My thought was, Great! If you love it, I love it for you. I didn’t need to weigh in and say, “I wouldn’t put that in my house,” because it wasn’t about me. It was about them.

But her father piped up when we were out to dinner with the GF’s parents. “They know I’m going to tell them the truth. Those dark walls look stupid. They make the place look smaller.”

The truth… according to who?

His truth wasn’t The Truth, and even though he had a right to it, he also had a right to keep it to himself because no one asked.

Weighing in unnecessarily like this can be a real downer for everyone involved.

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Years ago, during conversations where I just wanted to vent, a close friend kept giving her opinion despite me not asking for it.

She kept saying, “I think you’re right. I agree.”

When I told her, “I’m asking you to hold space. I’m not asking you to weigh in,” she replied asking, “Why? I’m validating and approving of you.”

I reiterated, “I don’t want you to approve of me. I want you to witness me and be in this foxhole of stress with me.”

She thought she was doing the right thing by giving her thumbs up.

Many of us were raised to believe this is a good way to relate to others, but it can feel invalidating, and there are healthier ways to relate (which we’ll get to soon).

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Another example of feeling obligated to give opinions is yum-yucking, which I write about in my upcoming book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency.

This is when we feel compelled to say things like, “I like that. I don’t like that. I wouldn’t do it that way; I’d do it this way. I think that’s wonderful! Those boots go great with that skirt. I hate those shoes with that outfit.”

It’s a way to feel in control and to avoid being with ourselves as endlessly yum-yucking about other people’s lives leaves us with precious little bandwidth to simply exist.

What Codependent Relating Looks Like

You might be wondering what codependently relating looks like in practice.

Signs include an inability to say no, going above and beyond, and having disordered boundaries.

Many high-functioning codependents don’t realize how often they trample on other people’s boundaries because they feel compelled to “help,” especially when help isn’t asked for. (This was me years ago, no judgment!)

We might say things like, “I’m just trying to make your life easier! I know someone. I can connect you two.”

We don’t realize how inserting ourselves as the solution centers us in the other person’s problem.

There’s also a tendency to auto-accommodate, where we feel compelled to fix something in our environment or be part of the solution to fixing it.

This can look like feeling responsible for the world and codependent with our environment. Here’s a personal example from a few years ago:

I was at my hair salon, taking up a sink because I had a mask sitting on my hair.

It was a busy day. As the line for sinks grew longer, I began feeling anxious.

Eventually, I called an employee over to tell her I could move if needed. She said, “We’re good, but thanks.”

She clearly didn’t need my help managing the flow of their sink traffic, but my high-functioning codependent tendencies made me feel overly responsible for it.

Besides auto-accommodating, there’s also anticipatory planning, where we’re ten steps ahead in trying to avoid negative outcomes.

For example, in the days leading up to seeing a difficult person in your life, you might obsess over various ways to placate them and lessen the chances of a problem arising.

No matter what the situation, high-functioning codependents spend an enormous amount of time and bandwidth thinking about how to avoid conflict to the best of their ability (really, more than the best of their ability).

It. Is. Exhausting.

The cost of HFC is burnout, loss of intimacy in relationships, and resentment.

When I was actively codependent, I felt like people were taking advantage of me. Through therapy, my 50% of interactions became clear: I was serving myself up on a silver platter, doing things no one asked of me, and expecting a parade for it anyway.

These are not healthy ways of relating. Let’s look at what is healthy.

Shifting From Codependent Relating to Healthy Relating

Healthy ways of relating include mutuality, interdependence, saying yes when we mean yes and no when we mean no, being aware of our needs, slowing down and making conscious choices, and knowing what’s on our side of the street and what isn’t.

I go into this more in Too Much, but if you identify with any of the codependent behaviors mentioned above, you’re not alone and nothing is wrong with you.

Most of us grew up seeing these behaviors modeled and normalized by our parental impactors, and now we have to begin unlearning them.

I recommend making small, incremental changes.

Instead of jumping to offer advice, say, “I have no doubt you’ll figure it out.”

If someone comes to you looking for advice, ask expansive questions. “What do you think you should do? Your gut instinct is good. Nobody knows more than you do what you should do.”

Put as much effort into helping people find their own answers as you did giving them advice.

Remember, your answers might be right for you, but that doesn’t mean they’re right for everyone.

At the core of this discussion is how we relate to others, a topic I am super passionate about, which is why I’m excited to announce my Epic Relationships Summit!

If you want to create healthier relationships with mutuality and interdependence, join me from October 8-10 by signing up here. It’s free!

I’m speaking with 25+ relationship experts to give you powerful insights on building stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. Some of those amazing experts include Dr. Shefali, Mark Groves, Dr. Alexandra Soloman, Jillian Turecki, and Gay Hendricks.

How we relate to others is everything, and I cannot wait to share this with you.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and takeaways in the comments or on Instagram (@terricole). Do you feel clearer on the distinction between codependency and caring? Can you relate to any of these behaviors or see how they’re a bid for control? How might you begin to shift how you relate to others?

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.