Goodbye is not forever but it sure feels like it.

Describe the last difficult “goodbye” you said.

I’ve had many difficult goodbyes when I think about it, some recent and others not so much but all with their own stories. Without doubt the one that hit me hardest, still does, is my son. Yes, he is still with us and thriving although not with me.

My ray of sunshine

My son didn’t have the best start in life due to illness. At 3 weeks old he was admitted to the children’s hospital intensive care unit with a mystery chest problem. He suffered 2 cardiac arrests and his saturations remained dangerously low. He couldn’t dispel carbon dioxide from his lungs, he was given nitric oxide and stayed on a ventilator. This was all done while he was medically paralysed and sedated to lessen the trauma to such a young infant. He spent the best part of his first year in that hospital.

Sadly many will understand how much it pains a parent not to be able to pick up their own child. You sit and you wait, you pray, you make bargains with the almighty and then they take the Polaroid pictures for you just in case. It’s one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced in my entire life. I’m your mum but I can’t help you. Not knowing what it is because they don’t know what it is.

The hospital staff were amazing, I cannot express my thanks to them enough for everything they do. And then the miracle happens, he starts to pick up, going from strength to strength until finally we take our baby home.

Fast forward to age 2, the professional bodies start to talk about milestones and being the ever protective mum I tell them he simply needs time to catch up, don’t they realise what he has been through? Age 3 and I have to throw in the towel and agree with them that he is not catching up, in fact he doesn’t seem to be doing any of the things his elder siblings did at that age. Exhausted because his sleep pattern is few and far between not to mention the seemingly constant high pitched screaming because there are still no words I realise I have to listen to these professionals.

It was decided that we needed a diagnosis and a statement of special educational needs. Soon my son was accepted into a special needs school in an autism exclusive class. We read all the books, usually written by people who don’t actually have children with autism, after a while you stop reading the books and learn to adapt the way you bring up your own unique child.

By age 6 my son began to talk, it was the best thing ever and although many couldn’t understand what he was saying, we could. It helped with the frustration in him that he could now tell us what he wanted instead of us frantically showing him literally everything in the cupboards hoping something would turn out to be what he wanted.

Don’t get me wrong it was hard for a long time, he could be aggressive but never to anyone outside the house, I often sported a busted lip, broken ribs etc but I could never get upset with him, after all it was a miracle he was even here.

In his life he has come on amazingly well and I am so proud to be his mum. He sings and dances and he makes even the most grumpy people smile with his innocent honesty.  He’s a man now and a beautiful one at that.

His father and I parted ways and the children lived with me. We moved quite far away but they kept the relationship with their father and often went to stay for the week.

A few years ago after my eldest 2 moved back to their hometown – they missed the night life of city living – my youngest had a visit to his dad’s for a week. When I brought him home it was evident that something had changed. His aggression started to resurface and no matter what I tried he was not happy. It was the very first time I saw my son cry, he said his heart hurt and he missed his dad and his brother and sister. I asked him what should we do about this and his answer was that he wanted to go back and stay some more. It broke my heart. I spoke to his dad and we came to an agreement that I would take him back to stay until a time that he decides he wants to come home. He’s still there and thankfully he’s happy, healthy and settled. What more can a parent ask for? It was and I imagine always will be the hardest most painful and difficult goodbye I have ever had to say to my little boy, he will always be my little boy.