How Being An Only Child and Latter-day Saint Has Shaped Who I Am Today

Kirsten Harris is currently a college student at Boise State University. She was born and raised in eastern Idaho, grew up as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and loves to travel!

Having been an only child my entire life, I have become accustomed to many stereotypes. Additionally, being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints also comes with many stereotypes. Being both creates quite an interesting story. 

I know some of you are thinking to yourself, how is she an only child? Don’t members of that church have lots of children? Yes, we do, thanks for the stereotype, but let me open your eyes a bit by sharing my experiences.

I’ll start by sharing some of the stereotypes an only child faces. There are three things people assume when you tell them you’re an only child: You’re spoiled, lonely, and wish you had siblings. People have assumed that only children are spoiled for dozens of years. In fact, people believe it so much even the media entertains it. For example, Rory Gilmore from Gilmore Girls, Manny from Modern Family, Veruca from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – the list goes on. All of these characters are spoiled, rich, only children who get what they want when they want it.

First of all, not all of us only children are rich. Don’t get me wrong, these movies and TV shows are entertaining, but they allow society to assume that all only children are spoiled snobs incapable of getting along with others. There were countless times as a kid when I was asked if I was spoiled – this was especially true when first meeting people. I remember meeting a girl at the park who asked me how many siblings I had. When I told her I was an only child, she asked, “Oh, so are you spoiled then?” I said no. She said, “Well, do you get whatever you want since your parents don’t have to worry about any other children?” Again, I said no. Here’s the thing, you can tell people you’re not spoiled but they won’t believe you.

I have also been asked many times if I ever get lonely because I don’t have any siblings to hang out with. Honestly, I think it’s a little weird to ask someone if they get lonely. I can’t think of a situation in which that question is appropriate. I was blessed enough to never feel lonely. I remember as a kid I would play with my Barbies and Shopkins for hours on end without anyone but myself. And if I ever got bored, I would move on to a new activity. I have always found it interesting how some people just can’t entertain themselves. I’m basically a master at it, and if you’ve ever been around someone who can’t do anything without someone there, you know that it can be exhausting and annoying. Plus, the absence of siblings does not automatically make you lonely – I have my friends, parents, and cousins that I can hang out with all the time. I know that I am especially blessed to not feel lonely in my life, because of the great friends and family I am surrounded by.

Wishing I had siblings was rarely a concern for me. I mean, sure, sometimes it would have been nice to have a built-in playmate, but I didn’t need one. And it wasn’t like I was socially inept. I had friends and 13 of my cousins lived 10 minutes away. Anything I could have done with siblings, I did with them. They just didn’t live with me. Without siblings, I learned how to create my own support system. This includes my parents, cousins, and many friends. I was able to choose good people in my life that gave me the support I needed. But I also learned how to be my own support system. It’s unrealistic to go through life relying solely on the support of others. Having learned this at a young age, I know I can rely on myself when making important decisions and support myself in doing so. I think this ties into independence as well. You’ve most likely heard only children are independent and from my experience, it’s very true. I don’t mind doing things on my own, and I greatly appreciate some alone time. I really learned a sense of personal ability and confidence that I believe can only be learned through doing things on your own. Don’t get me wrong: I love hanging out with my friends and family, but if our schedules don’t align, I know I can most likely do it on my own.

Being raised as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints means we have been taught our whole lives to multiply and replenish the Earth. This phrase comes from Genesis 1:28. This chapter talks about the Earth’s creation and when God created man. After creating Adam and Eve, God told them to “be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth…” Many general authorities have spoken on this topic. One talk I can think of was given by Elder Neil L. Anderson in the October 2011 conference. His talk entitled “Children,” states, “When to have a child and how many children to have are private decisions to be made between a husband and wife and the Lord.” I love this quote Elder Anderson gave. However, I don’t think this quote crosses very many minds when it comes to the topic of children. 

One of the main stereotypes about church members is how large the families are. There were people in my home ward with anywhere from five to eight kids. That’s a huge family. I think it’s easy to say that my family stuck out a bit in church. Especially because some families took up a whole bench and mine took three chairs. As I’ve gotten older, I believe we have taken the phrase multiply and replenish the earth and decided it only had one definition. I believe there are many ways to multiply and replenish the Earth. And having a ton of children is not the only way. If you asked me, I believe that my parents multiplied and replenished the Earth by having a kid. I think this phrase has to be defined by you and God. I believe it can mean many things to many people, and the best way to find out is to discover it for yourself.

Now that I am older, I have started to understand what my parents went through. It’s easy to be naive as a young child thinking that what people say is only hurtful to you, when in reality it was also hard on my parents to hear some of the things being said. I think they struggled way more than I did and ever will. I mean being told you’re spoiled can only do so much damage when the same person who said that to you was way more spoiled than you could ever be. But being told that you didn’t follow one of God’s commandments and are therefore a sinful person hurts in a way that can’t be healed as easily. I think the thing that bothers me the most when it comes to such harsh judgment and hurtful phrases as that, is the fact that the people who say those things have no clue what my parents went through. And never once has the person been sympathetic or asked about their story. They were always just so quick to judge.

Speaking of their story, it wasn’t by personal choice that my parents only had one child. They did desire to have more; however, my mother experienced infertility. They tried their best with the options they were given, but my young parents were too poor to try several rounds of IVF or even adopt. In the end, they could only have me. While this wasn’t a personal choice, it was God’s plan for them and us as a family. But this isn’t what goes through people’s minds when my parents say they only have one child. I think this kind of judgment will be lifelong for all of us.
These experiences have changed my definition and view of family. Family is not just a number of members but is instead the bond created between them. A family bond isn’t stronger just because there are more members. It truly depends on your willingness, the other members’ participation, and each other’s desire to have a strong relationship with your family. My parents and I are very close and I couldn’t be more grateful for our relationship.

Being an only child has blessed my life in many ways. I am so grateful for the people I am surrounded by and the way I was raised. Being an only child has taught me to be comfortable with myself, my standards, and the person I have become. My life is incredible and I wouldn’t have it any other way. If you’re a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who has an only child, all I can say is that it won’t be easy, but it will be so worth it.