Letting go of perfectionism
(Nimue)
Humans are storytelling creatures. If you can figure out what kinds of stories a person has, it becomes much easier to make sense of what they do. Stories that help us effectively navigate through the world are good and useful things. However, stories can also be limiting and harmful – and the less aware we are of our stories, the more likely they are to lead us astray.
One of the most common and harmful of stories is the one that goes ‘I must get everything right.’ Many of us get this from our families and from our experience of school. It can have a number of effects.
The person who cannot get anything wrong may be unable to act. Afraid of making mistakes, it seems safer not to do anything – as though inaction somehow doesn’t count as a choice that also has consequences. Inaction will result in not learning or growing, not trying things or exploring and it can also lead to neglect of self and others.
If perfectionism is combined with power, then the person suffering from it can simply refuse to be wrong and demand everyone else stays in line with that. When things go wrong, scapegoats will take the blame. Those who are truthful will be punished and silenced – it’s a trait most obviously associated with mad dictators, but it can show up anywhere there’s a power imbalance.
In trying to hang on to the belief that everything they do is fine, people with perfection issues can end up distorting reality. This might lead them into delusional states where they can’t even look at what’s really happening because it conflicts with their story about who they are. It can also result in gaslighting others – not perhaps deliberately, but because they cannot bear the consequences of looking at their own failings or shortcomings. This can be incredibly difficult to deal with.
The need for perfectionism can also translate into needing others to be perfect in all ways at all times. This of course isn’t realistic, to be human is to make mistakes. When we get cultures of perfectionism, the people in them are given incentives to hide mistakes, lie about things they were responsible for and try to shift the blame onto others. Mistakes are thus entrenched and no one can learn anything when something inevitably goes wrong.
Perfectionism can be used to shut down people who are still learning and growing. If you aren’t allowed to act until you are perfect, then you aren’t allowed to act. We see this a lot around ecological protestors and anti-capitalism – you get labeled a hypocrite for being part of systems you can’t opt out of while trying to change those systems. There’s often a class aspect too around shutting people down for being imperfect. The bar tends to be set high if you are poor, queer, part of the global majority, female presenting or combinations of these things. Perfectionism can be a weapon in the hands of people who want to make sure the playing field never gets levelled.
It’s ok to make mistakes – it is essential for learning and growing to feel safe trying things. Perfectionism is the enemy of getting anything good or meaningful done. If you are waiting to be perfect you will wait forever, it is better to act. It’s good to own mistakes and deal with them, solve the actual problems and let your relationships be honest and fair.
