Taking myself seriously

(Nimue)

I’ve been putting various kinds of work into the world for a long time now, so it might seem odd for me to say that I struggle to take myself seriously. Some of this is about internalised capitalism – the impact of being measured by how much we earn. If you’ve been reading the comments you’ll know I’ve had a lot of trolling on this blog in the last year and regular attacks on my worth based on my not being massively successful economically. It’s hardly an unusual experience and there are plenty of now-famous creators whose work is prized, who were unvalued paupers while they lived.

None of us know what kind of legacy we are leaving or how the future might view us. To live well calls for living as though what you do could make a difference. We are all part of this world, and we all impact on each other to some degree. There’s a lot to be said for living as though your choices and actions matter. It’s a way of being that allows us all some dignity and self respect. We are considerably more than our earning power. The worth we contribute can take many forms, and the work that we are most called to do may not be well rewarded economically.

For most of my life, the work I felt called to do has come second to other things. Responsibilities as a parent, and obligations to pay the bills have dominated how I’ve spent my time. A lot of the things I’ve done were voluntary, and there are so many things of value that only happen because people give freely of their time and resources.

I find myself in the remarkable position of living with someone who values what I do and who wants me to do more of it. I’m not under the same economic pressure that I was, and I have the space to follow my own inspiration and explore what I feel most called to do. This has opened up a lot of space for me as a creator, and it’s also making me look at what other kinds of things I should be doing. Being able to focus on what’s needed and what I am best able to give rather than simply how to earn money is an incredible privilege and an opportunity for which I am profoundly grateful.

It’s also very difficult to earn a living as a creator when you have to pour most of your time and energy into other things and can only fit it round the edges. Having the time and energy to be creative with makes a lot of odds. Having the brain space to think about writing, to imagine and to learn in a way that supports that imagining makes worlds of difference. Most full time creators are only able to be that because someone else is willing to support them, and that’s a facet of the creative industries as a whole that really needs talking about.

So I’m trying to take myself more seriously, and look at what I can do best. I’m trying to act as though what I do matters and can make a difference, and to believe in my own skills and insights. This is a process of learning to trust myself, finding my courage and my conviction and working out how to make the best things that I possibly can. I’m excited about it, and hopeful about where this journey will take me.