I’ll go where you want me to go

I have a memory of a Young Women’s lesson when I was about 16 years old where the teacher asked us to write down where we saw ourselves in 5 years. I wrote down things like college and a mission and whatever else my little 16 year old self thought I might do/start before age 21. I was surprised when we shared our plans and I realized I was the only girl my age who did not write “marriage” and “kids.” Most of those girls aspired to being stay at home moms. Sure, I wanted to be a mom someday … but I was only 16 and that was not something I had any desire for in the next 5 years. 

That was 20 years ago. Since that time I’ve often wondered about those other girls (who mostly did do what they’d planned). Are they glad they got married so young? Are they glad they had kids so young? Was this really what they wanted in life? Or was it what they were told they wanted in life? 

I never wanted to get married that young. I never wanted to be a stay at home mom. But I was growing up going to Young Women’s lessons where it was the norm. In fact, getting married young and aspiring to be a stay at home mom was somewhat celebrated. I often felt tension between what I wanted and what I felt like I should do. This should was merely based on what everyone else around me was doing. It was confusing. When I got to college the confusion spiked and I struggled to choose a major and figure out how what I wanted could fit in with what I should do. 

Eventually I learned that what I should do was 100% entirely between me and God. It had nothing to do with what other people around me said was right. I believe God wants me to develop my talents and skills to serve his children. Sure, I do that at home. But I also do that in my career. And those things aren’t mutually exclusive. 

Recently a woman in my ward bore her testimony about how grateful she is to be a stay at home mom. She said something about how she really values being able to dedicate all of her time to helping develop the character of her children. She said that her mother, who “wasn’t able” to be a stay at home mom, often thanks her for giving this wonderful gift to her grandchildren. 

I don’t want to say anything negative about this woman in my ward. She’s entitled to her own personal revelation and if that’s what she feels is necessary for her and her family, that’s great! I’m glad she’s made decisions for her family that work for her.

However, though I respect her personal decision to make these choices for her life, I still got feeling a little out of sorts while hearing her speak. I worry the rhetoric she was speaking (which I hear a lot and is in no way specific to her!) kinda disenfranchises people or can make people feel othered.

First, I wondered about my own life. Do people that express this type of rhetoric not think that I’m spending all my time helping my children develop their character? I think about my kids all the time! I talk to my kids about my work and I hope that they understand how important to me it is to be doing the research I’m doing to make the world a little bit better. I hope when they see me in my career doing this research, their character is developed and they understand the importance of making the world a little bit better. 

I also worry about the young women hearing rhetoric like hers. Do they think they too will have to be a stay at home mom in order to truly care for their children? Will they think that their children are missing out on important character development if they happen to choose a different lifestyle?

What about the single women or the women who don’t happen to be married to a rich doctor (like she is)? Do they hear that rhetoric and feel guilty that they are working because their kids might be missing out on important character development?

I wish we just had a bit more space to recognize that not everyone wants the same lifestyle. 

Recently my ward sang the hymn, “I’ll Go Where You Want Me To Go.” While singing, it struck me that sometimes we like to pretend that there is one right place for us to go. We act like we have to live a specific cookie cutter life because God wants us to. But I don’t think that’s true. I think God, an all-powerful and fully-loving God, wants us to learn and grow and that should look different depending on who we are. But we need to allow ourselves (as the song says) to allow the “still, small voice” to call us “to paths that [we] do not know.” We don’t need to follow whatever cookie cutter recipe we hear.

Question: When have you felt like your personal revelation differed from specific rhetoric you heard at church? When have you allowed yourself to follow God down a path you did not know?

Picture of me going down a path in Oregon