Sharing the Journey

MY WIFE IS OUT OF town for a while, so I have a lot of free time on my hands. I asked Carl, an old schoolmate, if he’d like to have lunch. I thought it would be a chance to give Carl a couple of copies of the HumbleDollar book, My Money Journey.

I didn’t think Carl would actually read the essay I wrote, let alone the whole book. Carl is like most of my friends; they're not interested in reading about money. But he knows lots of folks, and I thought he might find someone who’d like to read about how 30 people found financial freedom.

Meanwhile, my wife left for six weeks to visit her mother. She’s giving her brother a much-needed break from taking care of their mother. I wasn’t able to accompany Rachel on this trip for various reasons. Her mother is going to be 99. She’s still mobile and coherent. I hope Rachel has her mother’s good genes.

I told Rachel to take the opportunity to ask her mother lots of questions. She asked, “What kind of questions?” The kind of questions I wish I’d asked my mother: Who is the elderly man in the painting that hung outside her bedroom, and who painted his portrait? Where did she get the Chinese vase with the Chinese writing on the bottom? Where did she buy the cornmeal for her cornbread?

I was so involved in my mother’s finances, health care and daily activities, and yet I wish I’d taken the time to ask her more questions about the smaller details of her life. Those types of questions may not seem important at the time, but they somehow become more meaningful when the person who has all the answers is gone.

For now, I’m a bachelor for six weeks. Carl asked how it feels to be on my own. It feels a little uneasy. I remember my mother used to say to me, “I never worried about anything when your father was alive.” No matter how many times I told my mother there's nothing to worry about and that I’ll always be there for her, I realized my father was the only one who could truly soothe her nerves.

I now realize my wife has that same calming effect on me. I, too, find it comforting to know I have a life partner who’s there for me when I need help. It’s something all the money in the world can’t buy. But as my mother found out, it becomes more elusive as we grow older.

I was quickly reminded how important it is to have that special someone in your daily life. When I went for a physical exam, the doctor said it was time for my colonoscopy. I knew getting the test performed wouldn’t be a problem. I have Rachel, when she returns, to be my designated driver for the procedure—one less thing to worry about.

As much as I write about the importance of staying in touch with your friends after you retire, I’m guilty of not always doing so. Having lunch with Carl reminds me how valuable the friends in my life are.

Carl lost his wife about a year before their planned retirement date. They had intended to do a lot of traveling in retirement, so they bought a full-size pickup truck and a camper trailer. After her death, he had no desire to travel, and sold the truck and trailer. But I always thought Carl was well-adjusted in how he was able to move forward with his life after Karen’s death. Over lunch, he let me in on their little secret.

“My wife left me the greatest gift anyone could ask for,” he said. “She allowed me to have another life. She was the type of person who liked hanging around the house. She enjoyed reading and watching a movie in the evening. I’m not like that. But she was okay with me participating in softball, volleyball and other activities, where I made many friends. She never objected. As a result, when she passed away, I had friends and activities to help me cope with my grief and loss.”

He went on, “Not too long after my wife’s passing, I went to play softball. When the umpire saw me, he said, ‘What are you doing here? Didn’t your wife pass away recently?’ I told him I needed to be here with my friends and playing ball keeps me busy. It makes me feel better. It helps me deal with my loss. He nodded his head and understood why I was there.”

A few days later, I received a phone call from Carl. He told me he liked the piece I wrote for My Money Journey and was reading the other essays in the book. In fact, he was going to give the other copy of the book to his friend’s daughter. She’s getting married and he thought the book offered important lessons that would be helpful for a couple starting a life of their own. Lessons like buying a reasonably priced home, investing in broad-based index funds—and not delaying all your dreams until retirement.

Dennis Friedman retired from Boeing Satellite Systems after a 30-year career in manufacturing. Born in Ohio, Dennis is a California transplant with a bachelor's degree in history and an MBA. A self-described "humble investor," he likes reading historical novels and about personal finance. Check out his earlier articles and follow him on Twitter @DMFrie.

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