For The Love Of…Letting Go by Artemis Crow

Like many, we’re  visiting family for the Christmas holiday. After years of not being able to travel, it was wonderful to see my husband’s parents. Seeing them again, it reminded me that the holidays aren’t just about reunions and feasts and presents; it’s also about letting go. Letting go of the year, letting go of a past to break free if its shackles, letting go of people, of grudges, of things.

When you have elderly parents, changes come swiftly. Backs become bent, a slow walk becomes a cane-aided shuffle, a certain vitality is lost. The conversation becomes about downsizing and sentiment, choosing what thing goes to whom, memories that have often been remembered and repeated. There’s a poignancy to your time together because you all know that time grows shorter.

Time and what you choose to do with it is distilled down to the essence of who you are to each other, to enjoying those shared memories, to creating less ambitious ones, to cherishing the slow, gentle new memories, to releasing the slights and pains of the past because most of them don’t matter.

The holidays are a time to let go of the emotional and physical clutter in our lives. They’re a time to recognize that though we are finite, we have years to connect and reconnect. The holidays are a symbol of birth and hope and love, we have a chance to let go of the struggles of the year and look forward to a fresh start. That’s true for our lives, but also for the relationships we have with our family.

Some of you may have beautiful connections with your family, some may not. Some have a lovely relationship with most of your family but not all. I’d say the latter is the most prevalent. While my musings above may be wistful, hopeful, you may have family who are too toxic to be around. Let them go, at least for now, at least until they change. If they can change. 

Toxicity in your life cannot be allowed to thrive. Let it go.

Another thing I’ve noticed in elderly parents (no ding to parents, we’re all guilty of a little hoarding) is their tie to things. My mother-in-law has what she calls her “pink room.” It’s the room that serves as a catchall for every craft project dream, or the ones half-finished, or the gadgets she’s has bought over the years and never pulled out of the box. It’s every partially used box of Christmas cards, or stationary, or rolls of wrapping paper and ribbon. It’s picture frames and books and photos and photo albums, still empty. It’s the desktop computer that’s barely been used because there’s no path to get to it.

Come on, you know what I’m talking about.

But here’s the thing. That room is filled to the ceiling with her hopes and dreams, her nesting, her family, her longing to hold onto her past and the memories she’s made over her lifetime. It’s her “once was” and her “someday” room. The sentiments tied to so many of the items are priceless to her, just as vinyl albums are priceless to my husband.

And that is okay.

When my dad passed, my mom’s house was as cluttered, their garage was piled high and deep with stuff. Most of it needed to go, but rather than bulldoze through my parent’s things and stress her out more than she was already, I chose to make an event of it. I asked her to sit and get comfortable like a queen on a throne and then picked a closet or a room in the house and brought each item out to her (she’s elderly, she needed to be sitting for this). And like a queen she gave a thumbs up or down. We laughed at some of the memories the items elicited, we cried at others. The point was, yes, it took a lot more time to do this, but we were able to let go of most of the contents of the house, keeping only those things that made her more comfortable or gave her joy without making her feel like we were reducing her memories to rubbish. We relived the past, celebrated it, as we were forging a new future for her.

And that was more than okay.

By now you’re saying, “Artemis, wrap this up.” I’ll end with this: letting go is good, it’s healthy, but it can be destructive if you let it. Need to let go of someone who is harming you? Do it. Need to clear out your own clutter? Do it but be gentle and unapologetic about keeping those sentimental things. Need to help a loved one empty an entire house? Do it but make it a life- and love-affirming event, one where you can reminisce about the past, reconnect with that parent or aunt/uncle or whoever. See who they were, who they are, and make new memories while you’re at it.

Laugh, cry, let go.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday season.

May your words flow freely,

Artemis

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