What Is A Hustings, Anyway?

(Some notes on Stupor Tuesday…and beyond)

Last weekend I went to an oyster roast, a yearly fundraiser held in my home town. It was an excellent evening, with family, good friends, live music and great food. And a great opportunity to take a much-needed break from American politics.

Right…

The oysters were flown in from the coast of Mississippi. And at one point during the evening, I grabbed a freshly-steamed oyster from the nearest bucket, used my nubby little knife to pry it open, and saw a tiny campaign poster from Mitt Romney.

Unless you're dead, or watching American Idol, you may have noticed an ongoing Presidential election campaign. (Here in my home state of South Carolina, even if you are dead, you can still vote. And buy a gun. After all, there's a reason half of Charleston is haunted.)

American politicians. The ultimate used-car salesmen, but with one major difference – politicians never paid for the cars they're trying to get you to buy.

And now America has just come through one of the more odd highlights of every campaign season: Super Tuesday. This is a day when ten (eleven?) states vote (or caucus) to designate delegates (which may or may not be binding) for Presidential candidates (if their paperwork is in order). It's like some kind of low-budget, fast-paced caper flick, starring expensive haircuts grafted on to grinning rich people.

I still haven't figured out if Wyoming is included in Super Tuesday, because the political pundits have even figured out alternative methods for counting to 'ten.'

You may not know it, especially if you went to public school, or are watching American Idol, but Wyoming has a rich history. Wyoming is the only territory granted statehood solely due to having lots of potential hamburgers. Wyoming, as a voting bloc, has more cows than voters; in fact, there are more cows in Wyoming than there are cows in India, even though we eat ours. (our cows, not our out-sourced computer help desks)

But either way, when compared to delegate-rich political plums like California and Texas, Wyoming is unfairly ignored. Wyoming only wields something like three delegate votes (five, if you weigh them on the hoof).

Anyway – here we are, in March 2012, a Mayan-calendar-expiration election-season end-of-the-world leap year (whew – talk about 'March Madness!'). End-of-time prophets are selling short. Rogue solar flares are threatening to disrupt smart-phone communications, which could result in citizens having to count, remember appointments, and speak directly to each other. All over facebook, people are talking about brooms that apparently can stand up without assistance, and a Georgetown law-school coed that apparently can't.

And the 2012 campaign, which actually began around 7:01pm, 4 November 2008, is in full swing. The candidates are, as the expression goes, out on the hustings. It's a gargantuan, obscene and obscenely expensive exercise in comparison shopping.

See, right there is a clue. This candidate has fewer miles, but that one is safer. Could be ten elections today, could be eleven. All of them count, or not, depending. But check out those floor mats! The whole thing reeks of used car.

But the Washington wannabes continue to bustle about the countryside, smiling and frowning, explaining and complaining, balking and talking, weaving, waving and wavering.

And no matter what the topic, no matter how irrelevant the news item, political pundits will find a way to work it in to the story – with a negative slant, if at all possible.

Here are some sample Super Tuesday state-by-state snapshots:

Georgia

Newt Gingrich appears to have won Georgia.
Mitt Romney appears to have purchased Georgia.
Herman Cain has been accused of dating Georgia.
Bill Maher called Georgia a slut.
And President Obama, at a $8-billion-a-plate fundraiser, sang nine notes from "Georgia."

Vermont

Mitt Romney was expected to have won Vermont.
Ron Paul was checking the price of gold and drove right past Vermont.
Ethan Allen, the founder of Vermont, was pardoned by Bill Clinton.
Rick Santorum pointed out that Mitt Romney's name can be rearranged to spell "Memory Tint," after which Santorum was given a calming medication.
And Rush Limbaugh called Ethan Allen a slut.

Oklahoma

Rick Santorum looks to have won Oklahoma.
Mitt Romney looks to have purchased front row seats to the musical "Oklahoma."
Joe Biden pointed out that Tulsa spelled backwards "a slut."
Rick Santorum accused Joe Biden of chanting words backwards within 100 feet of a church.
And President Obama promised 666 congaskillion dollars to General Motors for their new crossover vehicle, "The Solar-Powered Surrey with the Fringe Benefits On Top."

By the way – I don't know what a hustings is or are, but whatever it or they may be, if you take your cues from the news, you can be sure of several things:

Mitt Romney will have several
Rick Santorum will be the only candidate with true hustings
Newt Gingrich will know its definition, three synonyms, and will have regularly discussed the topic with Reagan
Ron Paul will be strongly against America's presence in the hustings
And President Obama will expect you give your hard-earned hustings to somebody else who doesn't have so many

So, get out there and vote! If you're dead, vote anyway!

And if you vote for our candidate, we'll throw in the floor mats.